Thursday, October 10, 2013

Thursday, getting ready to go!

     We are leaving early tomorrow to get to a Wedding by 2:30 in the afternoon.  We lose and hour with time change.  So I have a lot to do today to get out of town.  I have to pay the house payment and get cash for the trip.  I have not made as much money as I would have liked to this week but just the fact that the house is taken care of makes it okay.

     I need to finish a few things in the shop also. Hubby was held up by road construction last night and missed the dump run so I will have to do that today.  Damn!

Good news:
 I made the house payment.
 I only have 1 lb left to be at my before steroids weight!
Girlfriend and I finished the Wedding dress base and it needs bead work and hand work, but essentially all the parts are done.     
Bad news:
Slept terrible last night and I am very tired.
Do not have as much cash as I would like for trip
I have to go to the dump
Today is my long teaching day

     Four good, four bad at least life is even:)

saga cont:        

     Life was very busy during the 7 years we spent in this old house.  Our oldest was off the charts smart and talented.  She was very involved in music, dance, theater, academics.  Her schedule was brutal.  So was mine.  As she added activities so did I.  Richard stepped in to help with all things necessary concerning our family.  I started to read books on finance to try to help with our finances.  But in reality we had more outgo than income.  It seemed the harder I worked the less we had.  I finally started a cleaning job at night.  This way hubby could be home with the girls.  Or I would go late when they were in bed.  This was hard hard because I had to be up at 5 for dance team coaching.  I was not getting enough sleep, but things were a little easier financially.

     Looking back I realize now why my family was so upset with me.  I had two college degrees,  One in  field that was highly competitive.  Why was I coaching, sewing, cleaning, directing, and running myself ragged for peanuts when I could have a career and climb the corporate ladder?  My sisters were frustrated with me.  I was so tired I started sleeping during the day.  I would ignore the door bell and the phone and just sleep.  I was not getting my sewing done.  I was not keeping the house up.   I suffered from terrible insomnia.  But I never let anyone know.  My sisters knew and I think Richard might have been on to me.  What I did not realize is that I was very, very depressed.  Even though I could sew 120 costumes and could choreograph musical after musical I was not sleeping.  Hubby was frustrated.  I was gone every evening.  My two younger children were with me at the theater.  I justified all this as it brought in extra money, but in reality it cost money.  I was not sewing and I was not watching the finances.  We refinanced the house to take out equity to catch up.  Hub's was furious but I blamed him.  He could get a better paying job.  We could not live on what he made(still can't)  and our (His) religion was adamant about the woman staying home.  So having all these jobs I was never really working, I was with my kids.  I just justified my behavior.

     Hubby started to play in pit orchestras and as a family we were just known as busy artists.   Richard joined right in with us.  He built set, he helped on all facets of the girls activities just like a grandfather should.  The whole community loved him.  We just trudged along.  B was now approaching 5 and I started to have real trouble sleeping.  I would go for days with out any rem sleep.  I was becoming suicidal.  I told no one.  Every morning I would get up and drive down to the high school and I would  tell myself that when I got home I would take B to Richards and commit suicide.  I never knew how I would do it, I never made a plan, I just would tell myself that.  Then I would be able to face coaching and I could go home and rest.  But the funny thing was when I got home I would be fine.  The sun would be up and I would have had a 2 hour work out.  I never understood how I could do this day after day.

     But like all health problems that are not taken care of, they will come to an ugly end.  One morning right after Christmas break , I had my same suicidal thoughts, and I went into the High school office to check on something.  The head Secretary told me my dance account was over drawn and I was in big trouble.  Now that was impossible as we had several thousand dollars in there the end of November and I had only spent about $500.00.  I was told to go talk to my boss the athletic director.  He was busy putting out a fire, so when I asked him about my account he looked at me like well what did you do with all that money?

     Immediately in my brain I knew I had spent it.  I didn't know what on, but I knew I was going to jail. I remember getting into my truck because the police were chasing me.  I had to get home to the kids, I had to call Hubby  I kept running scenarios through my mind of what could have happened to the money.  When I got home I called Hubby at work something I rarely do and told him he had to come home right now the police were coming to get me.  I can't imagine what was going through his head on the hour drive but when he got to the house, I told him my account was overdrawn and I was going to be arrested for embezzling.  The police were coming to get me, I could hear the sirens.  

     School districts are very strict on how money is used.  You must first fill out a purchase order and have proven receipts to have any bill paid.  It is a very hard system to cheat.  Hubby knew I had not embezzled but I could not be convinced I was not going to jail.  He then realized something was very wrong.  He put me in the car and took me to the clinic.  We met a GP and as hubby helped me up on the exam table and turned to the GP and said, " this is not my wife."  With a few questions, GP realized that I was in a sleep deprived psychosis   Between a sleep and dream state.  To little sleep coupled with crippling depression and a brain stuck in overdrive had caused these symptoms.  I was prescribed meds.  Hubby was also given a talking to about allowing me to work so much.  Something had to be done to give me help.  

     The funny thing about this is that we never told Richard.  I did not want him to know.  I could not give up my cleaning job as we really needed the paycheck so hubby and I started cleaning together.  He would do the heavy work.  Garbage and vacuum and I would do the detail cleaning and of course check his work.;)  This helped a lot in fact we were able to pick up a bigger contract and became quite good at this.  (The problem with cleaning someone else's place is you don't want to clean your own.) 20 years later we still have a contract that pays our part of b's college expenses.  Hubby also started to do more yard work, like mow the lawn and help in the garden. He just became a little more cognoscente of his lack of doing anything beside work his day job.

     Within two weeks I was a new person.  I could not believe the shadow I crawled out from under.  I was on medication for about 6 months and then I was fine.  But I had to learn the hard way.  When I feel those symptoms of depression or lack of sleep coming on I get my butt to the doctor.  I know now how debilitating and serious depression can be when it goes untreated.  There is so much that can be done to help and it is nothing to be ashamed of.  My symptoms came immediately after the birth of B.  I just blamed it on, money problems, stress, overwork, having 3 kids.  But if you start to have these kind of symptoms get help.  I have had to go back on meds 2 times since this first episode.  I don't care I don't see it as a failure or a set back, I just know my brain does not process well at certain times.  I am not sure what caused this, but I do know how to fix it.

(by the way money from dance account explained:  Our football team was going to state championships.  We were the host school.  That meant we had to host the game in an indoor Bowl.  Just to turn the lights on at the Kibbie dome took a $2000.00 check in  hand when the school showed up.  Where does one get money at the end of November in the athletic department when they are broke?  Now ticket sales would make this up and then some. But where to get the money hmmmmm? Let's just go to Kim's account she always has money, she won't care, she will never know.  Well they forgot to put the money back.  When I wrote the P.O. for the $500.00 for dresses the account over drew.  Athletic director was not really listening to me when I came into his office.  He said I was acting funny and did not make sense.  Oh yeah?)

saga continued:

I can't believe you guys are reading this.  I will be gone for a few days, SO stay tuned, it gets messier and better......

     What am I going to wear to that Wedding?  

Have a great and productive day!



  1. You never cease to amaze are one strong lady

  2. I cannot believe all that you went through, & I'm so happy you were able to get help when you needed it.

    Lack of sleep makes me basically non-functional. I have lupus, & lack of sleep can make me incredibly sick, so I prioritize it almost above anything else in my life. I just got back from a vacation where I did not get enough sleep (I tried, but had a hard time sleeping in the hotel) & I feel like a vegetable today. And, that's just a few days of not getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep is literally a form of torture. It makes it so hard to do just the every day things.

    Big hugs to you. I hope the wedding is great!

  3. Enjoy the wedding. Will wait on the next instalment.

  4. Depression is so scary. It kind of creeps up on one until it has taken over every facet of your life. There is nothing to be ashamed about for going on meds.

  5. Kim, I am riveted. My best friend went through depression two years ago. She called me from the state mental hospital where she had been taken by the police after going to her doctor to ask for medication. She now says it was the right thing. She was suicidal. It is so hard for someone on the outside to understand. Thank you so very much for sharing your personal story.

    Have a wonderful time at the wedding!