Tuesday, rethinking my plan, a confession,

     Well I just got off the phone with the cleaning company I work for and I had a talk with the big boss and I am not going to take the job as supervisor.  I realize that this will impact me financially but I have to be realistic.  Something I have a hard time doing. (have you noticed?)  My daughter really had a long talk at me not with me yesterday.  I did not get a weekend.  I cleaned hard and I mean scrubbed and climbed ladders for over 8 hours and it showed in my ability to get around yesterday.  She listed my jobs and she said Mom you are going to kill yourself or have a stroke.

•  I run a sewing shop that is open out of my basement 5 days a week.  It is 10:28 and I have already had 3 customers and 5 phone calls.
• I own and operate a dance studio that puts on 3 major productions a year,  I teach 5 nights a week.
• I help run a college program for dance 8 hours a week.
• I clean a large bank six days a week and sub extra hours when needed.
• I choreograph and costume and direct 4 musicals a year for local schools.

     Often times these duties all occur on the same day.  I will have back to back performances.  It was fine and fun when I was 35 but I am not as young as I used to be.  My daughter can see it.  My husband will not argue with me but he sees it also.  He was just letting me figure it out.
     We were hopelessly in debt and working this hard has really paid off.  We have a long way to go.  I think the plan I set up was so stringent and over zealous that my mind set twisted and I just keep taking on more and more work.  I realize that I will never truly slow down until I have to,but I am over doing it on a daily basis.  As long as we don't add new debt, this plan will work, it will just take longer and that is okay.
     I have been really trying to help B our youngest with college expenses, we did not allow her to take out very many school loans.  So now I am trying to work extra to keep my budget the same as last year and I can't do it.  She may have to borrow another $2000.00  a year or figure a way to earn more money, but I can't work any more.

     Out My Window:  I think we will try to get out and trim some bushes this weekend,  fall is so beautiful, I think it is my favorite season.

     My confession:  I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago and he has known me for 15 years personally and been my specialist in the valley for 5 years.  He told me that the lab work is coming back indicating full disability within 5 years.  He wants me to start disability papers.  I knew it was coming, I can feel it in my joints and my exhaustion levels.  I just did not want to admit it.  I am in constant pain, some times quite severe, but because I am a dancer I ignore it.  To dance is pain.  Scary, I just can't see myself disabled.  He told me to quit running 10 years ago.  I quit last year, so maybe I can ignore this diagnosis for another 9 years.  But I do know this it is taking it's tole.  I am not fooling any one but myself.  Work is my life.  So I will continue for as long as I can, and I will get out of debt.  But I am not going to take on any new large projects.  Daughter has agreed to shoulder most of the Jr. High Play.
     I am trying not to feel like a failure, I am just slowing down.


Have a great and productive day!

Kim