Wednesday, Trying, trying...

 

I feel bad about my posts, because I am so trying to stay upbeat and positive, and I am not so much of the time.

I really hate this, and I don't like me.

I like me happy and funny, not in tears all the time. This is just so hard.

Yesterday was so busy in the morning.  Constant phone calls and people. I had finished most of the little person piles, except for the outdoor hunting clothes.  When he came for pickup, I realized that his dress pants (6 pairs of them) were not fitting right due to weight gain.  He recently had back surgery. This is a constant for little people as they have severe curvature of the spine.  So, I needed to take out all of those pants I had mended and then try on his outdoor clothes with hunting and ski boots. It took about an hour to fit all his pants and get his outdoor gear cut to fit.  I will finish the outdoor things when I get back as they are for winter.  But I wanted him to have his dress clothes.

I realized after I had such a busy morning of not sewing but running and answering constant phone and door, that I was tired.  My cough came back with a vengeance Monday night, and I was up three times, and very worried that I was getting yet another infection.  I was just so physically tired.  I moped around all afternoon.  Got to talk to my Sissie.  Tried to nap.  Just an off day.  Lots of tears and feeling sorry for myself.  Struggling to decide whether to go to the doctor or not. I actually felt good yesterday physically, very little coughing. 

Finally, about 5:30 p.m. I got up as I could not sleep and made myself get my Easter baskets delivered to my friend. She will then deliver to some people in our church Saturday.  I talked to her for a while, and I felt better.  I came home and set my timer and altered all 6 pairs of those pants and a bridesmaid dress in less than an hour.  I then paid and wrote out all bills for month of April as I will be gone so much of it, and I got my meds all organized and actually finished (I hope) the last of the paperwork for Joel's 401k. 

I felt so much better.  I guess it really doesn't matter what time of the day you get your chores done does it? I slept great last night, up early to get bills and things in the mail and start my day.  It is sunny and that is such a big help for me. I am hoping that it will get warm enough for me to get out and deep clean my car's interior.

I have a little hand work on a bridesmaid dress to finish and then I need to press it and call client.  I want to get a good start on two more Wedding dresses today and I also have to mend and alter a few things for my trip.

When I was lying in bed trying to nap yesterday and just escape life, I took a pad of paper with me and just listed all the things I needed to do before I left.  Finally, at 5:30 p.m. I looked at list and actually started to make progress.  I am really proud to me. This is so hard.  Unless you are living it you might now understand.

Having SAM and Hilogene, send their sentiment's really helps as we are all just struggling with the same feelings and grief. I hate to say it is nice to have others who understand you, but when you love these people, it is also hard to know that they feel like you.  Because no one wants to feel this way.  We are sisters in the arms of grief. It is a crappy place to be.

I need to pick up meds later today and I made an appt. to get nails done tomorrow morning. I need to start packing and I hate packing.  I will put it off as long as I can.

Bear with me my friends, I am trying to get better.  Having you as my pack helps so much.  But I worry you grow weary of my missives. I know I am weary of feeling this way.

Kim