For those of you who read this blog (and I don't know why) you know that I am a little driven. Okay I am a lot driven. I have worked so hard to become debt free and I am working on paying off my house. I want to be completely free of any debt by Christmas or early fall of next year 2019. Since I have been pushing myself hard for so long, I have gotten in the habit of feeling like if I am not doing something to make debt go away I am not using my time wisely. I know that living with such extreme debt for so many years has taken its tole on me emotionally. I have had to work very hard physically and mentally to keep up the payments on my never ending cycle of debt. That does not exist any more. I am okay and I can relax a little. But this feeling of go, go, go has not left, left, left. My mindset is that I am in crisis mode all the time. I don't have to be. But I am having
a hard time getting off this mental treadmill. My Sissie, read my blog and told me to slow down. I don't have to be productive every waking hour. I don't have to sew everyday if I don't want to. Now the clients might feel different. But I can say no that does not fit into my schedule. I rarely say no. I want the money or have always needed the money so badly. Changing this mid set is hard.
I did get a lot accomplished yesterday and I do have to get quite a few things done today. Mostly because I have put them off and I don't want my clients upset. But setting my schedule to always be working is going to stop. I am going to try and slow down a little. I am going to try and have a little more me time. Maybe I can take a day or two a week to do something I want or enjoy.
I will always be busy as I like to stay busy, but this work, work, work and feeling behind can stop. I think. I don't know, but I will try and start working on this. It will b very hard. Probably harder than getting out of debt was for me.
Don't know how I am going to do this. I am scared. I don't know what I am afraid of, silly I know.
Anyway, tomorrow we are leaving to go to Nampa to celebrate Hub's fathers 90 birthday. I am going to meet my eldest daughter and we will shop in Boise. I will get to see my youngest grandson. Then we will come home Sunday. I am excited to see everyone.
Right now I am typing with a wet head so as soon as I get myself ready to face the day I am going to go hit the shop and do zippers as they are due out. But I am going to try and devise a way to slow down.
Thoughts? comments?
Have a great and productive day, staying positive while you are in the negative.
Kim
I know how this feels! Just take it a day at a time, don't push yourself to relax, or you're still doing the same thing as working too hard.
ReplyDeleteYou know that is so true. I catch myself thinking of ways to slow down and then start planning lists of how to, just not the point.
DeleteI think it isn't just the work to earn money, but how much other stuff you take on that makes me overwhelmed reading your blog. Trying to make money while taking care of children (that aren't your own responsibility), the animals, etc. etc. just seems to be so much more than most people can be expected to do.
ReplyDeleteI should not be trying to sew when I am watching the kids. I will try to rectify this. But I do think I have a real problem with my gilt of not always trying to earn money. The debt I blame on myself and I had to fix it so I developed the habit of working hard to keeps the wolves at bay and to cover the never ending debt. I still find myself doing this and it is stupid. ow I have to find a way to stop and it is hard.
DeleteI think if you will be honest with yourself, you will admit that people have given you a lot of good advice that you continue to ignore. I suppose it is your religious views that drive you to do so much good that you are exhausted and behind most of the time.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are so exhausted that you have an accident and kill yourself, your children can remember you lovingly as a mother who killed herself in the service of others. Maybe a health problem exacerbated by frenetic activity will take you first.
Getting a puppy when your mother needed you and when you needed to rest was not a good idea.
I would definitely NOT slack off on the work since you have a goal. Not sewing would stress me. Sewing relaxes me. Put things aside that are not family and do not make money.
You asked! But, others have said the same things.
Yes to this! You have come a long way,but reading your blog is like watching a runaway train! I would have said no to the puppy, no to babysitting the neighbor's kids, no to teaching more dance etc. You have only yourself to blame for the continuing chaos!
DeleteYou are out of balance my friend. It's not selfish to plan a full day off each week and do nothing. NOTHING. And all of the yeses are actually holding others back because you are not allowing them to see what they can do. Hugs.
DeleteAS the puppy was a gift I will not deny it was not a good idea, but it has worked out and yes it did add to the stress. A run away train is a good analogy. However, in my religion we do serve others. We do try to see needs and solve problems and help people. I will continue to do this. I feel I am blessed by doing this. But I do feel out of balance. I feel that I cannot let down that I have to be working or doing something all the time and that is just nuts. We all deserve some down time. I just don't allow myself that and when I do I suffer from guilt as there is always so much to be done. I have to train my self that is is okay to let go and give myself a day or two for myself. I have just been on the run for so long I find it very hard.
DeleteAlthough Linda's comment above was a little harsh, I have to agree with the general statement. It seems that you do all of the work around the house with very little help. Ok, that's your decision. But I second the readers who say that reading your to do list is absolutely exhausting; we watch grandchildren two full days a week, I work two days a week and the rest of the time has to BE MINE and mine alone! I call it the white space on a calendar and that you have to resist filling it up. It's hard, I know. But you need time to relax, sew for yourself, mess around in the garden (weather permitting).
ReplyDeleteWhite space I like that. I do need more white space.
DeleteI disagree with a lot of the comments above, but not the general theme that you over do things by choice.
ReplyDeleteThe puppy is a smart choice - he has brought joy, giggles, and exercise. Helping the neighbors with their kids is a smart choice as you often comment on having fun with them. Taking a dinner to a family in crisis is a smart choice, especially how easy you seem to make it.
What is not a smart choice is being on a mental treadmill of "hurry up" and "work work work" and "stress." No need to do all the things as fast as possible - the work will be there tomorrow.
No,no, no to babysitting the neighbor's kids! When one reaches a certain age, what is wrong with streamlining your life? You don't have to do all the things like when you were young. Young parents should be responsible for their own children, just as we all were.
DeleteThe point is--this blogger does not have to save the world. You will work yourself into an early grave with this non-stop frenetic activity. Perhaps your arthritis is trying to tell you something!
Did you know that in the Old Testament it was required that men who were 50 years old or older were now exempt from much of the heavy, physical work in the Jewish tribes? It was required that the young men were to bear that burden now.
There is nothing wrong with streamlining your life.
DeleteThis is Kim's life. If she enjoys watching the neighbors kids, then it is a good choice for her. It is up to her how she spends her time, not you. As I wrote before, in my opinion, her problem is in trying to do all the things as fast as possible.
I am not complaining of the work I do. It is the treadmill affect I have allowed my life to take on and continue. I do hurry all the time, I do have a mantra of work, work, work going round in my brain constantly. I don't need to be in any speed contests or do everything the fastest to add one more thing. Trying to slow down is hard for me and I need to work on it. Doing things for others makes me happy. It is the feeling that I have to be doing something all the time that is off. I want to do for me. I want to do things that make me happy. Things that need to be done and never get done because I am busy always doing something I feel is important. I can put a note o the door and go outside and trim bushes if I want. I love yard work, I do not have to be tied to the shop all the time. I can slow down and do for me. It is okay. But I am having a hard time not living to make money as fast as possible.
DeleteIt sounds to me like you are at a point where you can schedule yourself an "OFF" day each week. Then you tell everyone "I don't work on (whatever day you choose) Monday's" but I 'll get it to you soon! Congrats! on coming this far!!
ReplyDeleteI am working on something like that. I have to figure out which day and then not let Hubby take over. If I have any free time he is in my face.
DeleteI so understand the mindset that comes from years and years of crushing debt. I am sure that it is not something where you can easily flip the switch off when it is suddenly over. And you have such a big heart - always helping others. That's not something you can flip off either. I am with everyone else - I keep my granddaughter while my daughter works but I cannot imagine offering to do that for a neighbor. Little ones are a ton of work! I hope you find some balance - you deserve it!
ReplyDeleteYes I do have a problem with balance. I always have. But i am going to work on this.
DeleteBless you.
ReplyDeleted
Can you make a list of the things you would like to do if you had the time? Like - have a nap, sew something for yourself, sit outside in your wonderful yard with a good book, something you'd like to watch on Netflix, meet a friend for coffee, go for a bike ride or a walk, a long bubble bath complete with glass of wine.....Then when you have your list take the time to do ONE a day or ONE a week, whatever balances the stress of being ON with the relaxation of being OFF. Good luck Kim - you are not an A-type personality you are an A++ type personality but you know...you have kept your sense of humour through it all (and most of your sanity:) and I admire you for that. I can't believe how close you are to debt freedom!! Fantastic!
ReplyDeleteYes I know A++ well, however I find myself a little depresed as I can't figure out how to slow down and find a calm happy place. So I need to work on this. I will.
DeleteI volunteer to come there and tie you down. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI would love to have you come here no matter what you threaten to do.
DeleteI think it would take a good strong rope to tie her so she stays down. It is not fair to blame your religion. Most religious have the same ideas. But, you are expected to be not so frazzled at the end of the week. They have nunneries for your kind of devotion and ambition--no children, husbands, or falderal to get in the way.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend whose husband was a minister. They had one child who roamed the church with no one to supervise him. His mother was busy with the Lord's work as was her father. When he needed attention, the mother shooved him away.
Doing things for others makes me happy, too. Now, I cannot do for myself, but I still do for others but in a different manner. For one group I have found resources. I help them with finding a source of material that the group uses to for a therapy of sorts and later to sell.
Neither of us can do what we did when we were younger and less able. This is absolutely a difficult truth to face and manage. And, someone said I was harsh, yet everyone else said the same thing.
Religion should not drive you to destructive ways.
Perhaps you actually need to schedule me-time. My husband is Type A and always complains he never does anything for himself - so we started to schedule things like working out. Now it is actually happening. I think it is harder when you are self employed (we are too) as you always are worried the business will dry up so you work bloody hard with what you are given in an effort to keep it going.
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