Without going into too many details right now, Lil sis and I are taking off tomorrow for Missoula to help my brother clean his house. There has been drama there for a while and things are in a bad state. As he has two little girls that are autistic it is important that we step in to help. I know this is what mom would have wanted us to do. ( but then mom was the greatest enabler of them all). Lil sis also raised a very successful, beautiful daughter that suffered from autism so she has strong feeling about this help. Lil bro has no life skills, he never has as mom protected him in all ways. I will not be taken advantage of financially by him. I will go over with my vacuum and cleaning supplies and help him organize and dig out, but he will have to maintain as it will never happen again. Of course their car is broken down and not fixable. Realize that Bro at the ripe old age of 52 has never bought his own vehicles. He has always driven cars mom provided. We will not help with the car. I personally think he should go car less and use the city bus system and uber. They cannot afford to maintain a car or the insurance. Bro has an old truck of dad's that runs and I think he needs to use that for his gigs (he is a DJ) and his wife and girls will have to use the bus or walk. His wife can take the truck to work. We will not help with a car.
We have had many conversations on the phone and I have made it very clear. I reminded him that we always knew this day was coming. But he never prepared for the future as he never had a future, just poverty and need. Family what can I say? Right now he is willing to learn and to help himself, so we will go help him. You cannot save a sucking chest wound and I told him that straight out. He had to make some changes. We can provide emotional and physical support but no cash.
I was really busy yesterday with wedding dresses and beading a wedding veil. I have two bridal fittings to day after 4 p.m. The littles are here today so not much important sewing is getting done. I have been pretty proud of myself this week as I got through is with only one major breakdown. But I kept my chin up stayed busy and I am in a better place. Still staying on the low carb dist and saving where I can. I pulled burger, chicken, and steaks out of the freezer for meals this week. I also froze a container of chicken chili for later and a package of prepared taco meat. SO, I used up onions, meats, a lb of beans, stock, cheese,from my storage. It is going down. The upstairs freezer if seeing empty space for the first time in a while.
I am going to try and work on a few projects in the shop even with the littles, we will see.
Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.
Kim
Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I also have a brother with issues Fortunately, he is in jail again right now, so that is a very good thing for the rest of the family. Good luck with the clean up and I hope you all get through it OK.
ReplyDeleteWell the weather stalled the trip but we we will go next week. Oh and I also have a brother in jail which is really where he belongs until he gets help for drug addiction and bi polar issues.
DeleteI take the wife never learned any of these skills either? It is sad for the children, and I know that is why you are doing it. Maybe they will see and try helping and that will start them on a different path.
ReplyDeleteActually both are extremely lazy and self serving. Bro is the youngest of a large family, She just came from I hate to say this trash. As mom was a narcissist it was left to us older girls (me ) to raise bro. I got bust at 14 working full time (teaching dance) and performing and waitressing anything to earn money and escape, then left home at 19 and bro was left to his own devices at basically 5. Very spoiled. To say home life imploded when sis and I left is an understatement.He just has major issues, I will not help him unless he is willing to help himself and this time I think he is.
DeleteJust remember that establishing boundaries is good not only for you but also for your brother and his family. They will know up front what they can and cannot expect in the way of assistance. Might not like it but at least they will know.
ReplyDeleteI know sometimes guilt, even if we should not feel guilty, has a way of sneaking up on us. Don't let it grab you!
Well we cancelled due to the blessed weather, but we will go next week this gives bro time to do a little more on his own.
DeleteIt is SO hard to set boundaries with family! Good luck sticking to your plan when you see them in person. My fingers are crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteWell we don't have to stick this weekend. But we will, I have seen this man take everyone he knows to the cleaners.
DeleteIs this the same brother for whom your mother paid child support? Why is it that two able bodied adults cannot clean and organize their own home? I don't understand this at all. It looks like more of the same dysfunction!
ReplyDeleteYes it is, and he should never have had children let alone 5. His two older are with the first wife 23 and almost 18. He lost a little boy to lung problems 6 weeks after birth. Then he has his new wife and two more girls 5 and 8. Three of the children are severely autistic. But he claims they are normal. It is so sad to see these children who already have so many problems raised in squalor. But I do believe that Bro wants to make some changes and if we get there next week and he is sitting on his a$$. We clean and it never happens again. No money will be given.
DeleteThinking of you and your sister as you handle this trying situation. You were smart setting established boundaries ahead of time. Hopefully your brother and his wife will be motivated to learn from you as you help him straighten up/clean/organize his house. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThey actually binge watched Marie Kondo on netflix and are trying out some of her methods so I am excited to see what they have done.
DeleteI'm happy you are helping but not over helping. My sister and brother in law use the bus system and they love it. They could buy one but where they live it's very busy and they don't want to drive. When they have a lot of groceries etc. they call a cab. I'm sure they are happy with no car repairs or insurance too.
ReplyDeleteI read your next post and I'm glad he is getting it. Maybe there won't be too much to do. Your so nice to help him when you can.
Thanks Vicki. It is hard to decide what to do with our brothers. But we are a united front right now so that is good.
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