Friday, setting the timer

 I had to call Sissie today because I was in a slump.  Have been for a couple of days.  Sometimes I just get like that. A call to Sissie usually kicks my butt into action.  She told me like she usually does to set a timer.  She wanted to know what I wanted to get done.  I told her dressed and at least brush my teeth after all it was noon.  That made her laugh.

So I did.   Every 15 minutes I would do an activity and then if I wanted to sit and do nothing but contemplate my navel, I could, but only for 15 minutes. It worked.  I got my sewing quota done in 45 minutes.  I took a load to good will.  I got all the Christmas decos into the garage awaiting shelving.  I cleaned up the cat box and food area. I swept the garage.

I vacuumed and put the front room back together.  I did some vacuuming. I also contemplated my navel.  It was very happy to be looked at for a while.

I know most of you think I do to much, but there is a deep psychological reason for my behavior. I think I had an epiphany today.  Why do I feel like I have to go, go, go?  If I have down days and I do, sometimes because I just want to do nothing and sometimes because I do not feel my best, arthritis and all, I suffer from extreme guilt and depression.  I don't like it.  It is paralyzing to me. The guilt of having all these things that need to be done can be overwhelming. 

The Christmas things need to be taken to the garage.  I have sewing that needs to be done.  The floors are atrocious. Why haven't I listed that stuff on facebook market place? Why did I eat 1/2 of a 1/2 gallon of strawberry ice cream after 11:00 LAST NIGHT? You know the typical questions we all ask ourselves.

Segue to Kim's younger years:

Kim  and her twin sister were the eldest of a family of 5 siblings.  The typical size of a family in the 60's.  She lived with her maternal grandmother from second grade through 5th grade. It was an upper class neighbor hood and life was good.  But in reality Kim's parents were living the life of Riley at the expense of Kim's grandmother.  In order to get Kim's mother to grow up and take care of her 5 children, grandmother sold the house in the wealthy part of town and put a down payment on a very old dilapidated, large house in one of the poorest neighborhoods in town.  At least her grandchildren would have a roof over their heads.  Kim's father also had a drinking and gambling problem.

Life was good with grandma.  The house was clean, there were piano lessons, and dance lessons, summer camps, camp fire girls.  But this life style was bought with the fact that mom and dad did not have to pay for rent or utilities.   Dad could drink and gamble as much as he wanted.  Mom could shop and go out to coffee with friends and live a lifestyle she could not afford. The only thing she had to do was keep up the house, she didn't dare let it go.

Now the family was dumped in an old house with the most awful furniture.  It was very old and run down.  Kim and her twin were horrified and embarrassed. School was starting in a month and there were no new clothes, no shopping trips. The new school was a culture shock.  These kids were much poorer than they were used to. But one saving grace is that they were also a lot nicer. There were no dance lessons that year.  Mom went back to teaching and she was gone ALL the time.  There was no money.  NONE. Mom avoided being home at all cost.  Dad was always at the bar or the bowling alley.  ( Dad could have been a professional bowler but his drinking got in the way) Mom was out to coffee and pie with friends.  Some one always had to be home to watch the little boys.

Kim and her sister, figured out at the ripe old age of 12, how to outsmart the mother.  They would work for money.  Mother was motivated by money.  IF the girls were working they could buy their own clothes, and pay for their own lessons.  Dad was great, he had many bowling friends that needed regular weekly sitters.  They sat every night of the week and the pay was 5 dollars a evening, usually 2 families at a time.  So at the ripe old age of 12 they pulled in over $25.00 a week or more depending on whether they sat on the weekends.

   Mom started to work at the bowling ally as a cook on the weekends and she got those girls jobs at 14.  So now they babysat in the evenings and they worked the weekends as waitresses.  They could buy all their own things and help with the younger kids things. Kim started to teach dance instead of babysitting it paid $4.00 which was good money in the 70's, but she still waitress ed on the weekends.  Then Kim got a paper route when she was 15. 

 This was great mom and dad always had the paper bag money.  When it was time to pay for the papers, mom would scramble and scream.  Kim had not spent it, she had collected it but the money was always short or gone. Kim kept the route for the year and paid for a fancy dance camp for the summer.  But getting up that early in the morning, then going to high school, then after school activities, (speech, drama, playing piano for the choirs, music groups, good grades, teaching and dancing) and working weekends were taking their tole. Plus dad was always (And I suspect mom)into the paper route money and the stress of paying the monthly bill was just too much.

Every year from the time they left living with grandma things got worse.  The house was awful.  Mom was never home and the only way Kim and her sister could keep away was to work.  You fell into bed and you got up again to go to school.  If you were home, you were expected to clean or the screaming began.  It was an impossible situation.  Here were 7 people that had never picked up anything in their lives. Mother wanted a clean house but did nothing to make it that way nor did she give the girls any of the habits to help keep it clean.  She just screamed and belittled.   Her favorite was lazy.  You may have closed a restaurant until 4 in the morning but you had better be up at 8 to start cleaning or you were lazy. A house that could not stay clean, when no one put anything away, or picked up anything.  Remember nothing was worse than being lazy. Kim and her twin were exhausted.  Kim remembered one night going down to the basement and the dryer was talking to her.  She was just trying to make sure her dance clothes were dry for the next evening of teaching and she had just typed a term paper and it was  2 in the morning. But the dryer was talking to her.  It had a mouth and eyes. She knew then she had to come up with a plan

Kim figured out a way to have a peaceful weekend by the time she was a senior in high school.  She would have her dad call her in sick every Thursday.  She would wait until mom had gone teaching and hop out of bed and clean that flipping huge house from top to bottom.  She would sweat and her hair would stick down her neck as she ran up and down those sets of stairs from basement to the upper stories. Laundry, dusting, pickup, scrubbing, laundry, bathrooms, scrubbing, pick up, vacuum, dust the winding staircase, clean the wood stove, laundry, change the sheets, laundry, start dinner.  When mom came home on Thursdays the house was spotless.  Now Kim and her siblings could have the weekend without screaming. By Monday the house looked like it had never been touched and the cycle started over.

Kim learned to work.  Work was an avoidance mechanism.  If you were working you had a reason to not be home.  IF you were working you were earning money. If you were working you were not lazy. You could contribute.

So when I don't work and I let things slide.  I feel all this angst come back.  I become everything my mother said I was.  I become lazy. Now I don't write these things to discredit my mother all though she deserves some reprimand. She was raised in an alcoholic home and left at 17 to start teaching in a one room school house with only 3 months of college.  She never went back home until her parents were divorced and she had 4 little kids.  Her mother owned restaurants and she worked in those everyday.  Mom knew how to work and how to clean.  She just did not want to.  She had 4 kids in three years and and alcoholic husband.  She was angry and she just did not want the responsibility.  Grandma took us in when she saw mom's situation, but when neither of the parents did anything to make it better we were out and the great descent began.We girls got a good work ethic and the drive to go with it, but some damage was done.

I struggle with being enough.  Although I know I am enough, I have always been enough. Just like an alcoholic I am a work a holic.  When I don't have a hundred irons in the fire I feel diminished.  I fight this every day. Covid has not been easy.  I like to be busy, I just have a hard time not being too busy. I have perfectionist syndrome, which served me well teaching and directing, but not so much in life. 

I knew daughter would be down tonight with the kids and the dogs so I ignored the floors which I will conquer tomorrow.  I might have to use my trusty timer again.  Son- in -law is back at the capitol in Olympia  tomorrow , until next Thursday.  He will not get a day off until the unrest is over.  Say prayers for your State police they are all overworked right now.  It is hard on the families. I see how tired my daughter is with two small kids and also watching her little sisters baby all day while she works at her very essential job. Teaching is her release and joy and we love having the grand kids.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim