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Okay Kim needs to really, really work on her self control right now. I am behind we all know this. That is what I am constantly harping about. Now when Kim gets behind, she goes into overdrive, which is not good.
ADHD can be extremely difficult to deal with especially as an aging adult. I am an adult. (that thought makes me laugh) This is what my mind is doing right now.
Kim, you need to put the sofa back together, you need to plant all your plants, your need to get the garden soil made up for the flower bed, oh stop and give the dog a treat, stop and pet the kitty, oh did you know the master bedroom closet is a disaster and needs to be entirely emptied? Also, every drawer in your house is a pig stye, because you stash and put nothing away where it belongs, so you need to make a long list of every drawer and closet and start by cleaning and decluttering everyone of them, NOW! Also Hubs is not doing the yard to your perfection get out there and help him, what is for dinner? You really need to take out that Juilia Child cookbook and find a dish to make, Has the cat box been cleaned? You really need to dump those last 8 jars of 4 year old tomatoes, shouldn't you be putting those dried beans in jars soon? What can you do to make the garage look better, have you practiced the piano lately? don't forget to take your meds, you know you set a timer for that, did you ignore it again? Have you eaten? Don't forget to eat something before you take your meds.
Now STOP! What about the shop? Where should my focus be right now?
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But know it isn't. It is stuck on this never ending blur of what I think needs to be done. None of any of this matters well except petting the kitty. What matters is the shop. When I get to much to do I go into avoidance and start projects that don't need to be done to avoid what really needs to be done as it covers the anxiety that I feel when I am behind.
I don't know if any of you can possibly understand this dilemma, that I live with. Along with crippling anxiety, and perfectionism, comes this over whelming need to procrastinate hoping that more anxiety will trigger action in the right direction and that direction is not the master closet.
The perfectionism is for silly things that do not matter. Like that trim work hubs did in the back yard is not right I need to fix it. Really? Who cares? And if they do? Sluggy do you care?
So Kim is devising a plan to help herself yet again. Kim devises many, many plans, plans within plans, like the Dune novel without the help of spice. Kim is going to get these things done today and if she does she gets to do a fun thing. Like plant a flower box. Kim is eating a handful of Potatoe chips, as she just took her meds.
I feel a list: Yes, a list might help.
1. finish pegging and hemming pants
2. hem groom's suit and coat sleeves
3. call bride for fitting
4. alter and wedding dress and call client
5. pull lace on a wedding dress and alter and call client
6. pull another wedding dress and start
7. pull another wedding dress and start
That is it for today nothing else matters. Well Hubs has to work at high school so I should probably figure out dinner, but nothing else matters, unless something else does matter. Don't worry my brain will think of something that matters give it a millisecond. Yeah got something!
Okay, Okay I am going to work now I promise. Went to Doc this morning and I have antibiotic and I am feeling better and so is hubs. Of course, I got it worse because of my immune suppression. They can suppress my immune system but they ain't doing that great with my mind.
I will be back to check things off the list soon!
Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.
I just went into the spare bath and I noticed that there was only one spare roll of TP on the hooks and there are two hooks. Shouldn't I go out to the garage and restock that one roll of toilet paper? and as long as I am doing that maybe I should take stock of the Tp in the master bath. I looked up in the bath and saw that the vent was dusty, I should go get the long handle duster and dust that vent, how about doing all the vents in the house, I bet they need done. This is just from one trip to the bathroom. Really? This is my life.
Kim
You poor dear. My head hurt just reading it all. Does writing things down help you at all? I write down everything in one notebook just to get it all out of my head. I hope you have a productive day and glad to hear you're feeling better!!
ReplyDeleteWell yes it does, and my head hurts also from a bad sinus headache even though I am on an antibiotic. But this is how my brain works when I feel over stressed and it is hard to control. Like it is a little beast in my brain. I have to be careful not to feed it!.
DeleteOh how I howled as I read this. I don't think I have it as bad as you do, but I spend huge amounts of time thinking the same thoughts. I go to the garage to get TP and then look at all the shelves that need to be sorted through, and the things on the closet floor, then the vacuum cleaner, and by the time I have a few rolls of TP in my hand, I am exhausted. Here is the only fix when I get too behind. List everything that I can think of, then go through the list and decide not to do things this week/month/year. For example, this year, I will not do any home improvement in the house (other than emergency repairs). I will start a list of indoor stuff to do for 2023. I also looked at my ironing pile and decided not to iron anything. Took two pairs of husbands pants to the dry cleaners and paid $10 for them to be washed/ironed (even though I had already washed them). Everything else was folded away a bit crumpled, but we will survive and I have no ironing to do. Glad you are feeling better! Know that you are not alone, I think many of us have the same issues :) You just get more done than anyone I know! Hilogene in Arizona.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Hilogene, you have no idea how much this helps. I don't feel alone. I am so afraid people will not understand me. I can't help this, but I do try and control it. I usually just laugh at myself.
DeleteI can't even begin to imagine, nor do I want to. You poor thing. Serious question - have you ever thought of therapy to determine the cause for this. I am so sorry you have to go through this all the time. Huge HUGS!
ReplyDeleteWell therapy cannot control the brain function. It can give you methods to help with the function. One thing I can say about my mother and grandmother is that they were great teachers and recognized the patterns and put them to use at a young age. Finish things, or you must complete this much of something before going onto the next task. You must knit 2 inches of the mitten before you can go out to play. I learned to knit very fast. I learned to do everything fast so I could reach some objective my mind was perusing. But I did learn to finish things. So 1/2 done dresses also stress me out. It is harder when I am overwhelmed or behind. But I do have ways of calming the beast. I just wanted to show you what my mind is like.
DeleteRemember sewing is your job and you work at home. For 8 hours a day your first priority is sewing. You do these other things after work.
ReplyDeleteThat is so easy to say, and I try and say that but the mind still runs. I just have to be very strict with myself. Which can be very hard when I am stressed. I just wanted you to have a little insight into what mind does to me when I am spinning out of control. Not let's bring Kim back in control.
DeleteI am with Lori and my head is spinning in circles just reading your post.
ReplyDeleteNow you can get a small glimpse of me, when I am spinning. Actually, Sissie calls it spraying. Running from one room to another doing dibs and dabs, and really getting nothing done. The nice thing is that I have learned to control my mind (not really) but when I am stressed or really behind it goes into overdrive. Just the wrong way. Now I have to reign it back and I do have meds, but they only work so well. I just wanted you to get a glimpse of what my mind does to me when I am too stressed. I am sure that not feeling well does not help the situation either.
DeleteI, too, have found other things to do instead of the thing I should do.
ReplyDeleteI think you and I are very much alike my friend, and we could get into some serious trouble together.
DeleteI am glad you are feeling better and got an antibiotic. As someone who suffers from slight OCD I can understand where you are coming from. A couple of days ago I was having coffee at a friends and just had to get up and straighten out her paper towels.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Oh Jackie, I loved this, and I am laughing out loud. I so needed this today.
DeleteI had no idea you had ADHD, Kim - I just thought you liked lists! ;-P
ReplyDeleteI have constant low-level anxiety and I'm cursed with seeing EVERYTHING, so it all gets my attention. I have to talk myself off the ledge regularly with my mantras:
- Let it go!
- Is this the hill you want to die on?
- How much will this matter in an hour? A day? A week? A month?
Those really help me step back and not get lost in the details. Sending you good vibes!
Well, I did not know I had it either. I just knew I was high energy and got a lot done. But without a long-drawn-out explanation of how I learned to control (well somewhat) it is just too, too. When I get really stressed, as in behind, with sick on top of it, the monster rears its ugly head and I spin. I think I see everything also, but at times in hyper focus. This is why I was so wanted by directors to come in during hell week in theater, to clean and fix everything. Why when I graduated for my college I was wanted for my debugging, decoding skills. The logic was not there but I could instantly find the bug (which might just be a semi colon out of place) that was preventing a program from running. I can read schematics like a pro. It is a gift, but also a curse. As I have aged it has gotten worse, but I have meds and I just have to rein it in. I love your mantras. Thank you for your kind words. I actually overheard a woman in our church say, " I can't stand her, she makes me nervous." I think I was in charge of something and probably in high energy mode. I don't make myself this way on purpose. In fact, it has allowed me to be quite successful. I have to remind myself of that when I am feeling bad about myself.
DeleteI feel you racing. My anxiety goes the opposite way- I notice nothing, so just want to crawl in or stay in bed. The procrastination sounds similar. In our house, we'd notice the roll being empty, shrug, and move on. I hate that attitude more.
ReplyDeleteOh Sam, how I need you. Believe me there I times I crawl in bed and stay just to get away from everything. But then my mind follows me and I am forced to get up and do something. You and I would make a great team.
DeletePer my brother, who has ADHD, "How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?...Let's go ride bikes!" He calls it his squirrel brain because it is always darting in a million different ways. And when I read your post, that was what popped into my mind immediately. All the hugs in the world.
ReplyDeleteOh, my word I laughed until I cried. I actually called my daughter (also a felony prosecutor) and told her I was spinning. She talked me down.
DeleteKim, you are one of the strongest, bravest, inspiring women I (virtually) know. Anxiety sucks. OCD, ADHD, General Anxiety, Health Anxiety...they all suck. Sharing is good. Please know you aren't alone. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks Billie JO. I don't like that I do this. I can't help it. I do try and control it. It has actually made me quite gifted in some ways. I mean I can do many things well. But you learn to keep those talents hidden, so people will like you. If you can accompany a choir, sing in the choir, read the music, direct the choir if needed, rewrite the music, tell the basses they are flat, people get mean and judge you. I did not make myself this way. I love to cook ad I have practiced, and I do it well. I love to sew, and can, and dance, and direct, and choreograph and garden. I do not do these things to make you feel less than. Often, times when making a new friend, I don't tell them that I have two college degrees, so they will like me. Isn't that stupid? I have been so judged over the years and it hurts. I want to scream, "It is harder for me to get up, and out of my house with all my things in place, than you can ever imagine. The work that it takes to be me is exhausting and you are making snide remarks?" "Like is there anything you can't do?" Well, "yes there is something I can't do, I can't be unkind."
DeleteSending hugs. You are not alone.
ReplyDeletewww.rsrue.blogspot.com
Oh Rue, you so understand. Love you!
DeleteOh, yes. I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm almost 72 and it is as bad as ever but now my body prevents me from keeping up with what my brain insists must be done. (Sigh.) Michele in NoCarolina.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you as I’m also this way, finally realizing adult ADD (an aha moment when my youngest son was diagnosed and his Dr. said which parent has it?) I’m more like Sam though at times as my perfectionist thoughts can hold me hostage so I shut down and don’t do anything . But then start (not finish) a hundred projects! Plus then overall anxiety regarding all of it! Medications, Prozac for me was amazing but I developed a reaction and can’t go back on it. So procrastinating regarding starting over on a med search. Thank God I was a RN and was great at it! Fast paced, multitasking, nothing phased me and there were no long term plans/project that I could muddle up or get distracted by. A perfect career because even with my ADD my attention to detail is amazing. I had a photogenic memory and could pick out minute errors/omissions (when they sent out new policies or procedures if I was in the mood I’d send them back to our nurse manager (who wasn’t very nice) with multiple highlighted areas to correct). She once barreled out to the nurses station saying she’d heard us laughing and we must not had enough work to do. I worked and still fill in very part time in an acute mental health hospital where our comradeship and sense of humor kept us going.
ReplyDeleteI have 4 kids with ADHD, two of them have OCD on top of it... you are in the same club. One is on meds for it, two are using the routines their counsels work with them to do. It is a mental health issue that a lot don't realize it affects the lives of the ones that have it and the ones in the family that live with it
ReplyDeleteI’m glad you’re both feeling better, Kim. I use a timer to take my medicine too. :)
ReplyDelete