Just wanted you all to know that I am the most disorganized financial person you will ever meet. Yes I know I can design and sew 5 dresses in a day and teach and clean and, and, and.....
But I cannot keep a check book balanced. I intuitively think I have more money than I have. I overspend and assume the money is there. I really do not budget for basic living expenses. When I am busy and I am always busy, I shut down mentally on bills and just hope they get paid. They don't.
Now I have been dilly dallying since we got back from Gettysburg on the 9th of October on the accounts. I did not balance either checking account before I left. I did get home and pay the house payment so it is not late and then run like a raped ape until I cannot ignore it any more. I make plans to look at the budget then I don't get it done, put it off and I assume I have money. Well I don't. Not only that, I over pay bills so I can get something paid off and I transfer huge sums of money like $1250.00 (now that may not be huge to sum of you but it is to me) to a different account and then I don't write it down in the register and I am off by that amount when I get my statement. So I spend hours trying to prove that the bank took my money and it was me paying off a bill so I could feel good about myself. This was yesterday.
I got no sewing done. I emptied my emergency fund(there is $127.00 left) to get enough money into my checking to keep from overdrawing on the bills I had just mailed. Oh yes please stack up all the bills and mail them before you have balanced your accounts. You know it will be close, but intuitively you have the money. I just don't know what to do with myself. Sluggy come slap me! Someone help!
I have $82.09 in the studio checking.
I have -74.12 in personal checking( insurance checks won't clear until the 29th so I am not overdrawn)
No amount of scrimping and saving change and cooking in bulk is going to help me if I don't know how much money I have and just assume. This has been getting worse and worse since the sewer collapse. Like an alcoholic I am off the wagon and I am using that crisis as an excuse to let old habit creep up. What these old habits lead to is money down the drain!
Let's just assume right now that I have no money. I have Credit Card debt again, I have a broken down car in the driveway(daughters) and I did not make any progress on my CC debt plan this month. Shame on me! How did this happen?
I started using Credit cards again in the summer. I needed to get paint and supplies for the remodel after the sewer mess. Justified. I also had the fiasco with the downtown (studio) resurfacing and sewer problem. Justified. Hubby lost his car pooling partner just as gas was climbing. With out a partner his gas is over $450.00 a month. He used the Credit card as he was out on fire and was not coming home. Justified. But he kept using it. Did I know? Well not really but I should have. He has always come to me for gas cash or told me he wrote a check. But this was easier. I have almost $2000.00 worth of gas charges. No wonder I can't pay off the bills.
So if you are still with me. Please don't hate me. Help me form a plan. I thought maybe if I start by just posting my two account balances first thing on the blog, it would force me to pull my head out. I cannot write a post without my balances being posted. Just having knowledge of where I am will help a lot. I am always trying to play catch up. Scramble, catch up. Scramble, catch up.
I will be able to get most of the money back in the emergency fund before the end of the month. Just disgusted with myself. I called and had a long talk with my Sissie. She says I am trying to get out too fast. I can pay all my bills on time. I haven't gotten any late notices. I will be fine, but I feel like a failure because I know I am responsible and no one is going to save me but me, So why the sabotage?
Do you ever sabotage yourself? If so how? What did you do to try and stop the behavior?
I have to get busy and sew, got everything done on my list yesterday but sewing!
Have a great and productive day!