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Ugh. Thanks for the outpouring of support it means a lot. Ugh. There are so many changes for my mind to wrap around.
Yesterday I was looking forward to the Wednesday paper as that is the day the adds come out. But then I said why? There is so much food in this house I will never be able to eat it all before it goes bad. Not the canned food, but the freezer food will burn before I can eat it. I have no reason to buy groceries. I did purchase a 1/2 gallon of milk and some apple juice but that was for the grandbabies.
Right now, everything from the shop and the guest rooms is scattered all over the front room and dining room. The floor people come on Monday. I can hardly wait to get things in order. My brain feels like it will never be in order.
I can do nothing financially without death certificates and those are not here yet. But we have been taking bags and bags to the dump and good will. Even though the house was neat, it was surprising how much stuff had snuck in that could be donated or tossed. We have not even started on the garage. Also, Hubs had two sheds that are full of tools and random stuff. But that will be for later.
Every day we try and get something done. It keeps my mind busy which helps, I think. Kelsa is here and I have to pick Schmills up from school this afternoon. Usually, Joel did the picking up but now it will be me. I don't mind. When the shop opens again, I will just be careful not to schedule things and leave a note that I will be back within an hour. The grandkids will come first.
I don't even know where to begin or end right now. I am still just in a state of disbelief and shock. You will probably see me write this many, many times.
Today we are going through the indoor pantry and the indoor freezer. Some things will be sent to the kids and others to the church, so they don't go bad. There are things that I made for Joel that I just won't eat. I do not want things wasted.
I wonder when I will cook again. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit.
Here is Kim complaining.... not one bit.
Kim
One step at a time. One day at a time. Please be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteWell, I just ate mint oreos and diet coke and Kay is making me ice krispy treats!
DeleteYes, one step at a time. You WILL cook again when the time is right. I ate sandwiches and salad - when I ate - for a long while.
ReplyDeleteDo not get rid of too much - making bigger decisions now is not the thing to do. You need to calm and get your mind in a different place, before making too many big changes. Trust me!
It is all so new and you need a LOT more time to heal. Know you are loved. You can email me if you like - I will give it to you if you choose. I did send you a message on FB the other day. Take care and huge hugs.
Well I am surviving on chips, sweets and soda with a few sandwiches thrown in but I am sure that will change.
DeleteCheryl, I am reading your advice to Kim as well and taking it to heart. thank you ;). Hilogene in Az
DeleteYou have to take one step at a time. Everything will get done but right now it is important for you to take it slow and rest whenever you can. Hugs my friend!!
ReplyDeleteI am going to take a nap after I blog.
DeleteMy dear Kim, I am so very sorry. So very sorry for the sudden loss of your dear husband. There are no rules for what you are going through right now. Do what you can, one day at a time. One hour at a time. And know that all of us here love you and are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Bilie Jo.
DeleteWow, I am in awe you are going through and tossing things. I have my plan to start next week. I did toss all the stuff in the fridge I would never eat, but that was forced when my fridge broke last week. I had figured I had four months of stuff in my freezer and pantries before he passed away. yikes, that is probably over a year now since Stu ate twice as much as me…plus he liked different things. I have 32 cans of boneless skinless sardines…argggh. Well a food pantry somewhere will be in luck. Glad to see you are making progress! Take care, hilogene in Az
ReplyDeleteMany things were divided out to the son in laws. Got rid of so much food, also given away. 32 cans of sardines Joel would have loved that!
DeleteI agree with Anne. Give yourself some grace.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
I am but I just miss him so much.
DeleteMy Mom died a year ago and though my loss is not comparable to yours, the processing of grief remains the same. Some days I had energy, other days I wanted to sleep. Cleaning was the easiest to do and it was a positive activity. The financial stuff is taxing (an awful pun, but so true). Ask questions...ask other people what the financial people are saying. Ask for anything and everything to be repeated as often as you need. Paperwork needed is rarely explained completely, and you will be asked for more documentation. Companies handling money rarely have a system/check list to follow. They don't give it up easily, as they are earning interest.
ReplyDeleteActually going through things and decluttering has been good for me also.
DeleteGrief is a process. Don't push yourself too much and only do the things which makes sense and comfort you. It is OK to climb in bed and cry too.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like such a good idea....
DeleteMy thoughts are with you Kim. "Knowing you" as I do, through the blog of course, you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteI know I will, because I have no choice, but I would like to do it gracefully and that just ain't happening.
DeleteDear Kim.. I can’t imagine what's losing a spouse after so many years would be like.. I’m sending you all the best wishes and many big hugs❤️Xxoo Ricki
ReplyDeleteThanks so much RIkki.
DeleteKim - you are welcome to complain and walk around like a zombie. It hasn't been a month, and you are still in shock. I am sure other readers will agree with this.... you complain all you want. We will still be here!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you think this is complaining.....keep on doin' it! Get your thoughts and feelings out. This is YOUR blog and has always been your catharsis. Yes, you'll say those things many many many more times.
ReplyDeleteQuestion? Is there someone else who feeds missionaries that can take all that off your hands plus you'll be feeding those missionaries too. (food for thought ;-)
Please don't push yourself to go too fast. There are no do-overs (my sister said this was a very helpful sentence when she widowed).
Hugs to you and sis. Yea for those grands to give Grandma some joyful fun moments amidst the grief.
All the missionary stuff is off my hands now. You have to have a spouse which I think is weird. But okay.
DeleteDo what you need to do, be it complain, toss things, sleep, cry, whatever. Hug your grands. Take all the time you need. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThanks Celie.
DeleteVirtual hugs. We had tornadoes today and my bosses’ house is missing its roof now, and Selma is half obliterated. Fires were going off all over the city after the tornado. I think what you are going through is your own personal tornado.
ReplyDeleteEverything is uprooted, some things obliterated, and life as you knew it is gone. You have been though one of the biggest traumas in life. I am so so sorry. You are strong, but it is ok to be weak also and take help when needed. Building a new life will take time and recovery is slow. Take it easy on yourself. Continued prayers. Cindy in the South.
Oh Cindy I am so sorry. Those poor people. Tornadoes are so destructive. Be careful and take care.
DeleteComplain, cry, walk, enjoy the family when you can. Lean on those that are close to you. You need this time to grieve, take it.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Thanks Jackie.
DeleteVent all you want/need to! And spend more time with those grand babies!
ReplyDeleteThey are so much fun, plus I get to take naps!
DeleteYes definately one step at a time Kim ... you have so many changes to process & you'll certainly still be in shock, probably for quite awhile yet too. I have been working in the garden (its sunny here at long last) & you have been on my mind all the time ... I keep you in my thoughts & prayers Kim. xxx
ReplyDeleteI wish it was sun shiny and warm here. I would love to be out digging in the dirt.
DeleteYou are certainly busy! Get rest and eat. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a daughter who needed to take care of herself. And, do it. Hug the babies for support and comfort.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
DeleteI don't know you but I have read your blog for a long time. I was widowed about 12 years ago. I still wake up and think about what my life should have been like. That is not going to leave. For now, breathe in and out, sleep when and where you can, eat when and what appeals to you. I did not know until I saw my husband's family about 9 months after, someone asked how are you sleeping, my 22 year old son answered, sleep, she never sleeps. I did not know it was so bad that he would notice but notice he did.
ReplyDeleteYou are numb because you are supposed to be for a long while until you can get through the one of the worst times of your life. Do not make any major decisions, selling or letting other material things go. The main thing is just trying to recover and healing. Of course, you must take care of the financial issues. I was able to keep sane enough to do all that when the certificates came. Once that was all settled, I had another breakdown for a couple of months, so do not be surprised if you come apart at that stage. It is normal. It is the realization that you have accepted something you did not want or can change.
Just remember that Joel loved you, he wants the best for you, he wants for you to feel safe and secure, just like he did when he was here with you. That is the gift our husbands gave us, they may not be here but the love, comfort and security will always be there, just as they planned. Please know you have my sympathy and prayers during such a difficult time.
Thank you so much. I think sleep is the most difficult thing. I can get to sleep but wake very early in the dark and can't go back to sleep.
DeleteHi Texas, thank you so much for what you wrote to Kim about Joel and all our husbands wanting the best for us and for us to be safe and secure. It is true. Stu would want me to be safe, secure and not in misery. Alas the misery is going to last for awhile but it will pass. Thank you again for your thoughts, they help. Hilogene in Az
DeleteSending love to you. One day at a time, one step at a time. If this is complaining, so be it! You will cook again in time. I saw a quote saying grief doesn't shrink, we just grow around it, which I feel is so true. Continue to complain to us, we will be right here with you.
ReplyDeleteBoy that is the truth you do grow around it and it becomes part of you. But it is so hard right now.
DeleteI am just so tired of feeling like I am not here. Like my brain is gone.
ReplyDeleteThat is why I had mint oreos for lunch.
ReplyDeleteKim, I have been at a loss for words. I was in total shock on Christmas day when I heard the news. I am so very sorry for your loss. Joel was a good man and I was just so impressed with his service. I have watched it twice now and cry every time. Jethelyn did such a fantastic job. I am beyond amazed at how well she did. It was beautiful. Know that you and the girls are in our prayers. I wish I was there to help you downsize. You don't let any grass grow under your feet but that is a good way to help ease the pain. We love you and out thoughts are with you always.
ReplyDeleteHealthy snack... premade store bought would help... you will have to focus on eating something healthy before the good stuff (as I drink my coke a cola). Just start with 1 snack when that's not a push to do , then add.
ReplyDeleteI forgot... do not get rid of any tools even if you think you won't need it... YOU WILL later
ReplyDelete(((((Kim)))))
ReplyDelete