My mind is numb. Having a hard time keeping any thoughts straight. It's like I have a big block in the front of my brain that is almost tangible. The thoughts go in and nothing comes out. Sissie is still with me and will me here until the end of the month.
I would just like my brain back please. I am sleeping better, but I don't want to wake up because then the block is back in the front of my brain and I know Joel is gone. He is dead and I can't accept that. I guess I am in the denial phase. It has only been a little over two weeks so I suppose that is okay.
I had so many savings plans and financial plans for the new year and they are all up in smoke. Not that I won't eventually do something. I am just on hold for a while. Like an airplane circling the airport. Circling, circling and where will I land?
I should have death certificates in a few days and I can then start getting the finances in order. Financially things will not change much. I am not sewing right now, I just can't handle the pressure. What is Kim without pressure?
Joel and I had already decided to flip flop the bedrooms, where the shop and the guest room have been. The shop was in the smaller of the two rooms with a usable closet. But it also took the full hot sun through a large window and even with a shade drawn and air conditioning the room was very hot during the afternoons. You cannot run a fan in a sewing room. Also the closet in the guest room is my cloffice. It has no hanging rack and it is where I blog and write.
Now the shop is in the bigger of the two rooms and has a large window that does not get direct sunlight so much of the day. We have filled all the holes in the shop room and have painted it cottage white. We had carpet layers scheduled for the 10th or yesterday to come and remove the carpets and put down new carpet in the new guest room and linoleum in the shop. I pushed that back to next Monday, as I did not know if I was even going to do anything. But the kids and sisters think the project is good for me and it is. Of course this messes up the house like crazy, which is hard on Sissie as she is a neat nick, but she can deal.
I will send pictures as soon as the new flooring is laid. Right now I am just maintaining. Everyday is longer than normal yet shorter than normal. I cannot describe the feeling, but I am sure many of you can.
Still through everything we all had laughter. We all had joy, unspeakable joy that I cannot even explain. All I can say is God is good. I have been surrounded by family and good friends. I have felt the sustaining prayers and have been granted so much peace. Grief is grief and it is not fun. It is a lurker burrowing into your soul, where it sits waiting for a moment to jump out and say GOTCHA! Dirty little bugger.
I am losing too much weight, as I can't eat. I do get hungry and then one or two bites and I can't eat anymore. I am proof that one can survive on a few pieces of chocolate, a handful of potato chips and diet coke. Need to work on this.
I have so many funny stories to tell you about the last couple of weeks. So stay tuned. Please comment if you can as replying to your comment will sustain me. Thanks for all your prayers you have no idea how much they are doing for me.
Love you all.
Kim
Kim, I am so sorry for how you are feeling. After mom's passing I felt the same things. It took me about 8 months to complete my grieving process. Keeping busy with projects is a great idea. I am so glad you have so many wonderful people in your life and your Sissie's presence. I was alone most of the time and it was hard. Sending you bear hugs ( I am a big girl) from across the ocean and then some.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to grieve alone. I think it is hard for me to grieve with people here. I feel like if I break down it will bother them. This is just so hard to navigate.
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss, please know I am praying for you and your family. Hugs and prayers from Texas
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, I can tell you that I do feel lifted by a presence of prayer. I am grateful for the support. This is just very hard.
DeleteMy heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThanks Becky, I truly appreciate your concern. It lifts me up.
DeleteI lost my husband of 43 years on July 1. I am sorry for you to be going through this. I am grateful, though, for you writing about what you are feeling and thinking. It helps those of us walking the same road to know we are not alone, and reassures me, at least, that just as I wish you well and pray for your comfort, that I can want those things for myself as well. I will keep you and all of us newly widowed in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Jane, I am so sorry. It really is so hard. I still think he will just come through the door. I just can't accept that he is gone.
DeleteI am so glad that you have family and friends to be by your side through all of this. I think a project is a good idea to give you something else to focus on short term. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling. You're in my daily prayers Kim!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Lori, as I really need those prayers to sustain me right now. I feel like this past two weeks has been two years long.
DeleteI don't have any helpful words for you. All I can say is cry when you feel the need or when the tears just flow don't hold back. Go easy on yourself. Please know you are in my thoughts. I lost my mom back in November. It still doesn't seem real. Sending you big hugs, Janie
ReplyDeleteThanks Janie, I have not really let go and cried a lot. I feel like if I do I will start screaming and I will never be a ble to stop.
DeleteHello Kim, I have been thinking about you ever since I heard about your husband. I am glad you have a lot of family nearby and your church family. and I’m glad you felt up to doing a blog post. Just do what you can, I know it’s terribly hard and it should get easier in time but it may take a while ❤️
ReplyDeleteIt is much harder than I thought it was going to be I can tell you that. I still feel like he is here just not home.
DeleteYou are in my heart, Kim. I teared at your daughter's eulogy, such a good man. There are not many purely good people and your two are them. Please take what time me you need everyday, no expectations or shoulds. I can't relate if course, but lean into those near and far to give you strength.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much SAM. Jess did a good job, she can tell someone to go to hell with a smile on her face and they think they are going to Disneyland. This is very hard. But my kids are like your kids, and they are a great deal of support.
DeleteIt took me a year to get past my late husband dying. The brain fog is protecting you. DO NOT make major decisions for a year. Things you planned together would be okay if you can afford. Many times I had to stop and think what Garry (late husband) would have wanted for me and the kids to do and I did that. I am so sorry you are now in my group. Love you Kim.
ReplyDeleteOh, I won't. Signe' thought I would get home and immediately sell the house. No way, I will do nothing for a long while. I am still in the denial phase, this is so hard.
DeleteSo very sorry to hear about your husband. The one thing you may need is an attorney or accountant to guide you thru financial and property things. As helpful as concerned family and friends may be, you need to look at your financial future from an objective point of view. Take care. Bun
ReplyDeleteThanks Byn, my daughter and son in law are lawyers, so I have good help.
DeleteI am glad you are not alone. Grief is a personal path and no 2 are the same. Denial keeps your sanity for now. I hope others will never tell you what you should do or how you should feel. I share that my sister realized she had turned the grief corner toward living life/planning her future alone at about 3 years. There were people telling her she should should should as early as 5 weeks. We were both mortified. Nobody gets to "should on you".
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and prayers for healthy sleep so you can get through each day in a manner that serves you.
Oh Elle, how awful. No one here is shoulding me, they don't dare. I just hate to wake up as the thought returns, he is gone. Sleep is my friend, and I am sure it is part of the denial phase. Thank you so much for the support.
DeleteTwo weeks is not a long time at all. You take the time you need and care care of Kim.
ReplyDeleteI realized this on Sunday as we sang the closing hymn, I lost it. Then I had to remind myself that it has only been two weeks, although it feels like eons ago. Just a fog of no concept of time.
DeleteOne day at a time, one step at a time. I am so glad your sissie is there to keep you company. I agree with Chef Owings - no huge decisions for a while. Rely on the love and faith that surrounds you to help you move into this next part of life.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, this is so very hard. I am still in a state of unbelief.
DeleteMy best friend died, 911 happened, then my brother died too young. For a year I was not myself. I did not do things I lived for before. I worked and seemed normal probably to others, but I was changed and not in a good way. I recognized my lack of desire to go to a yard sale EVER as depression. So, whatever you do or don't do is okay.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy you got rid of the carpet in your shop. Carpet in the bedroom I want to sew in at Tommy's is really upsetting to think about. However, I had to do it for the two years we lived in one house. Sewing in the heat is horrid since I get hot sewing. I think you will be better able to function in this new arrangement.
Thinking about what you are going through is not something I recognize exactly, but your grief is your grief. You may have to adjust and readjust until if fits you, but that is okay.
I am very grateful to be able to do this. I can't wait to send pictures. This will be so much better for me.
DeleteI am so very very sorry. I'm glad that you have the love and support of family and friends to help you. Just take one day at a time, and know that many of us are praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Kathy. I know that prayers are sustaining me right now. This is very, very hard. Much harder than I ever would have imagined.
DeleteHey girlfriend. Nice to see you post. Take your time. There are many steps that one goes through, and nothing should be forced. You know how you feel, and you will get there eventually. If the house is a mess - so be it. It is your house and it can stay that way until YOU are ready.
ReplyDeleteI am close to 4 years and sometimes the loneliness and anger and grief sneak in. You can not control it. Don't try.
My heart just breaks for you. Someday - together again - is always in my mind.
Take care, do not rush, EAT, breathe and remember and laugh as often as possible. Prayers my friend.
Oh Cheryl, you have no idea how many times I thought of you and Glen the first 24 hours after Joel passed. How much you did for me, how much your sweet influence taught me. Thank you is not enough, for your friendship. I have you to follow and I know you will be a guiding strength through this time.
DeleteYou can't set a timetable on grief - feel your feelings. I do think you'll feel better if you can eat a little (and I love chocolate, so I know where you're coming from). Try some bland things - toast, grilled cheese, soup. Just make sure you're staying hydrated. We're all here for you.
ReplyDeleteI have eaten so much soup thank goodness I love soup. This is very hard. I do eat chocolate every day. In fact, last night I ate rocky road ice-cream right out of the container....
DeleteI have been thinking of you every day, friend. I'm so happy there have been moments of joy, amongst all of the grief, and that you have your family with you. I'm also unsuprised to hear that you've taken on a project, to keep yourself going right now. I would be in the same position. Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteMe loves a project especially when I have other people to do it with me. I feel like I am swimming upstream through jello.
DeleteI found your blog through Cheryl's blog before Christmas when you were planning a trip. So sad to hear of the passing of your husband. Please accept my condolences. My heart goes out to you. XXXXX
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, isn't Cheryl the greatest! Love her and her blog.
DeleteI have a different history but the grief of losing a spouse has no rules. When my husband was 41 he was diagnosed with cancer and died in 3 months. Why’ll having time to go through this process in stead of your shock with a sudden death was different I still dreaded waking up each day as it was “please let it not be real”. My youngest of 4 kids turned 5 that week. My sister stayed with me that first week and she could hardly limp to her car. Every house/yard process was tackled…. This is called pretending and running from grief, that does not work. We all cried a lot but I held off from the sobbing hysterically to while alone in the car or the shower. It’s 26 years ago. I now have 13 grandkids and we’ve had a good life. But I’m crying now and still do because it’s not fair and he missed so much. Now sobbing, my youngest daughter had a her first child and she sent me his one month picture today. So this is how grief is for me. Forever but with happy, sad, funny times mixed in but so often a pain in your heart (and a big part of my pain is seeing/feeling the pain of my children) those tears at graduations and weddings and now wishing their children had the blessings of knowing their grandpa. (He would have been great and Joel certainly was!!). I will say my religion and my belief that he is ok in heaven helps sustain us. My advice is feel the grief, don’t try to out run it or over work it. Talk, reminisce, laugh, cry and cry again but we have all said why’ll those sad moments come, holidays and anniversaries are so much easier and we are mostly at peace. Jre
ReplyDeleteOh my, I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine. I know when I go to Franka's grave I cry because I think of all the things I missed. I know I am running from grief, if I stay busy enough it can't catch me, but it will. I cried everyday all the way to work, and all the way back when I was alone in the car for over a year after our daughter died. I worry about my youngest, as she is taking it the hardest. This is just so hard. Thank you for your input it means the world to me. It helps me know I am not crazy.
DeleteKim
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog for years but don’t comment. I admire how you deal with things. Grief is experienced differently by everyone I’m happy you have family around you take care of yourself as you adjust to living a different life. My thoughts are with you.
Mary
My first question Mary is why? But also thank you. I am a mess, but then I have always been a little bit of a mess and I am okay with that. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am just taking it one day at a time. I have no choices and that sucks.
DeleteMy dearest Kim, I can't imagine your grief. The closest I can get is my mother's loss. I cry when I think about how many milestones she has missed. But that is nothing compared to losing your life partner. A common theme in the comments is to not fight the grief, one day at a time, and one step at a time. Time may seem like an enemy right now, but actually, it becomes your ally. Time does not take away the pain or grief, but it lessens it. And you may experience sharp waves, taking your breath away, but you have your faith, your family and friends to cling to. You have been here for us, so many times. Let us be there for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Rhitter. This is very hard. But how are you? How is your health, I am worried.
DeleteI'm doing better. I'm going to post an update today. Love you!!!
DeleteKim, I can not imagine what you are going through right now...Grief as I learned is a journey that sometimes takes a very long time. I still grief the loss of our daughter and that was years ago. I am glad Sissie is there and you have a project to work on.
ReplyDeleteGod wrap you in his loving arms.
God bless.
Oh Jackie, this is so very hard. I know you understand because we both lost children and I can honestly say that was harder. Of maybe a week from now I will say it wasn't. You certainly can understand the fog of grief brain.
DeleteI feel you every day. Get some diet coke and donuts and power through. When things get to be too much, go kick the box. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard when I read this as only you would know what to say. Kay and Kelly laughed also. Love you my friend. Can't think of a better person to be with when times are tough.
DeleteThere are no rules for grief; there are no timelines. I am grateful you have family and friends to wrap their support and love around you.
ReplyDeleteApril, I am still in such a state of shock and disbelief.
DeleteHello dear friend. So glad to see your blog and that you are as okay as you can be. I watched Patara you tube yesterday and she said to be the best we can be today. That is a good way to put it. Since I wasn’t hungry or thirsty for the first ten days, i charted what I ate and drank in my Fitbit…I would look down and see 400 calories and one bottle of water at 6 pm…and force myself to go drink and eat something. That might help you too. Lost 8 pounds, even tracking. My mind fog has gotten better, and my crazy body issues have receded, but I am still adrift mentally. But I am much better this week than last. My husband and I were together 41 years, my mind knows it will all be okay, but my heart doesn’t know that yet, if you need to chat or anything, I am around. Hilogene in Az
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts to you too, Hilogene. Big hugs.
DeleteOh Hilogene, isn't this just crap? I mean really crap? How did this happen? SO many changes in the future and I can't wrap my head around it yet. One day at a time.
DeleteThank you for checking in. I lost my mom this week. She was sick for a long time and I should have been ready, but I wasn't. Just trying to get through.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though it was expected, it still must be such a shock to the system. Big hugs to you & your family.
DeleteHow you are feeling is entirely normal given the circumstances Kim. I think its still such early days & you should allow yourself time to grieve & not push yourself back to work at such a stressful time. I think of you every single day & wish you were not going through this. We all felt we knew your dear husband through your blog. My heart & my prayers go out to you Kim - I am pleased to read you have loved ones still around you. Take your time Kim - sometimes its just hour by hour. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Julie, I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how your mom was. It is so new and fresh and painful.
DeleteMy husband passed away three years ago 2 days after a double lung transplant. Even though it was of course a serious procedure, we were not expecting this outcome, so soon. My three girls and I had to witness traumatic procedures to try and safe his life. I don’t think any of us will ever fully recover. My sadness mostly deals with the fact of him not being able to see his 2 granddaughters, at least on this earth. Life goes on, but heart wrenching to have to face my families heartbreak everyday.
ReplyDeleteYEs, you fully understand the trauma that is inflicted to try and save someone's life and that is awful. I am so sorry about your husband, and you held out so much hope. Take care and thanks for sharing. It helps me to know I will make it through.
DeleteKim, you have been in my thoughts and prayers every day since Sluggy broke the news of Joel's death. My heart breaks for you. Loss, no matter from death, divorce or estrangement is terrible to deal with. What you always had is no longer there. Plans for the future that you had aren't any more. But, as you said, God is good. He IS there. And your friends are there. And all of the wonderful people that follow your blog are there. I lost my 27 year old daughter 10 years ago. Every once in a while a picture will pop up or a memory will surface and grief will bite me. But as time goes on the memories become sweeter and the pain less. Hang in there, roll with the waves of grief and know that you will come out on the other side smiling.
ReplyDeletethank you so much. I am sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. I am just in a messy fog right now. So scared and worried about things I really don't have to worry about.
DeleteThanks so much Gill. This is just so very hard.
ReplyDeleteIt is a huge change, and I am certainly not adapting well yet. But with help and good blog friends to talk to I will hopefully recover. Thank you Belinda for being here for me.
ReplyDelete