I think DC was good for me. I had to go back to the place where Hubs passed and face that and then home again to an empty house. Both were hard. But I did it.
I will never have my old life back. I can only move forward. So, I want to move forward in a positive way. I will still grieve. Heck I will grieve forever, but I don't want it to take over my life like it has been. Not that I won't have days of relapse.
I am trying to get up and get dresses and put on some makeup to face the public. I feel better when I do this, and I have been very slack. I am trying to get things done on a daily basis, so I am not staring off into space doing nothing for hours.
There is so much yard work to do here and the rain this weekend is not helping me complete anything, but it has to stop sometime.
Nathan's schedule has changed so I will have Kelsa more and that is okay as it is a slower time of year for me. I will also get Oliver tonight so two grandbabies that will keep me busy.
I took meat out for Swedish meatballs and my recipe makes 12 dozen. We have had babies born in the church including a set of twins, so I want to get some things in the freezer for the new mothers. I will also send some home with the girls.
I have some sewing I want to get done today that is due out tomorrow. I will do that before I make meat balls first and then while they cook, I will sew.
I will be flying to Jethelyn's on the 20th of the month and back on the 29th. She has a trial on the Wednesday before and one on the Friday after. So, I will be cooking dinner. I am excited to go and see the boys.
The piano piece I have for choir is very hard. As in faster than I want to play it, and I will really need to practice but I have over a month. Eee gads.
I am starting to realize I just need to begin again. It is hard, but I have no choice. The only place to begin is now, today. Please help me.
Kim
I'm glad for you that you feel ready to try and create a new version of your life. I feel empty, though of course life just happens around me. I just sort of linger. I lurk around blog world, but yours is the first I've commented on for a couple months. There's so much hurt, sorrow, and despair in the world. Mine seems petty and insignificant and yet so overwhelming to me at the same time. Reading you are making positive steps forward gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteSam your pain is not insignificant at all! You can't compare what is going on - nor can we change it - to what you have been through. It is different for every single person - take as much time as necessary. You have this and in time you will start having a new to you life as well - and it CAN be good again. Different yes, but good. HUGS.
DeleteIt took me 3 years to move past the grief when I lost Garry. Hubby's heart attack retriggered all those feelings. Different yes, petty and insignificant NO.
DeleteNothing about this in insignificant. Our lives were destroyed. Plans for the future down the tubes. we did not have any choices. But now we do, so when you are ready you will rebuild. I seriously have to make myself do things. This is not easy, it is hard. How many times have I said that? I feel terrible for you and I still think we need to go on a trip somewhere.
DeleteIt has been a rough year. Sometimes we need to take the time to just be sad, exercise our despair. It is also good when we look up and realise we can move on.
ReplyDeleteAlso you make meatballs like I make meatballs with at least 3 lbs of meat.
I know. My recipe uses 5 lbs of burger and 2 pounds of sausage.
DeleteKim your first two paragraphs says it all as well as the last one. That is huge. Sometimes we just have to face the things we don't want to move forward. I am so proud of you. You are making good progress. Love you get to make these trips.
ReplyDeleteTake care and glad to have you back!!!!!!
Thanks Cheryl. I think of you all the time and tell myself if Cheryl can do it so can I.
DeleteI love being one of those ?itches in the photo!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you had a little healing at Sissies. I know it was hard filled with some painful memories, but nothing beats a sister to get you over the rough spots.
Love to both of you.
I know at our next get together we need to join hands and dance!
DeleteYou have every right to grieve, spend a day staring into space, not showering, not getting dressed. Your life is turned upside down by Joel's death. Till death do us part is not supposed to be before we are old old! I sure hope you will give yourself permission to move in and out of grief, anger, joy as you move forward without his physical presence. Dear girl, it's not even a year yet. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI know but the year is closing in fast, I can't believe I have lived this long without him.
DeleteGlad to see your post and to read your thoughts about the progress you are making. I have moments of being excited about the next chapter in my life, I can start visualizing pieces of it. I read your comment about the meatball recipe twice thinking 12 dozen couldn’t be correct, holy cow, that’s a lotta meatballs ;). I used to make two dozen and feel like that was an epic quantity! Ah perspective! Hilogene in Az
ReplyDeleteWe can do this. Everyone else's life is moving on and I feel like I am at a standstill. But I am about to move.....
DeleteSending you lots of good thoughts and prayers to help you move forward.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Ellen, I appreciate it.
DeleteHugs Kim. This part of your journey cannot be easy. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lori
DeleteA few missionaries will make short work of the yard. You have gone through hard times lately. Coming back from where Joel had his heart attack cannot be easy in anyone's book. I have had a loss that is still hurting acutely from many years ago. You will get through it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda, you are right I need to call them.
DeleteI know. I am starting to come out a little more.
ReplyDeleteI know and I don't know how I would have gotten through all this without you guys. You have know idea the strength the thought of all of you gives me.
ReplyDelete