Monday, July 2, 2018

Monday, My oh My!

    
Here are my twin sister and I at mom's memorial.  We are with grade school and high school friends and one of our school teachers who by the way looks better than any of us.  I am on the far right with my Chia pet hair and  my vampire skin.  My Sissy is much more pulled together as usual.

Just let me say that I am back, but I am still in that state of half done, that comes with death.  It is like an out of body experience where your mind goes with the deceased and you only stay in your mind half the time.  So it takes twice as long to do anything and you usually have to repeat it because you have lost what you are working on.

  Wasn't it C.S. Lewis who said,  "I didn't know death felt so much like fear?"  So please bear with me as I ramble and try to get myself back to where I was before mom passed.

 Thank you so much for your well wishes and Sluggy dear for your phone call.  We didn't need anything for the funeral but I love you for offering to send food, what a great friend you are.

I have so much to tell you but I can't seem to place an order in my brain fog.  Things to tell you on the financial front.  I met my goals for last month and I have new ones for this month.
 Also we replaced my car the day mom passed away.  I was actually at the car lot when I got the call from D#3 that mom was having a melt down and I needed to get over there.  So I hurried the salesman and went over to Lil sis's to get her.  The reason for the purchase as I was trying to wait until all my debt was paid off, but ....  there is always a but....  On Monday the 18th of June I came close to getting into a bad accident because I was having a real hard time shifting my car.  My right hip was pinching badly every time I lifted my foot to put in the clutch.  This has happened before but no as badly or as consistently.  Also the clutch on my car stuck flat and there I was in traffic with a hip that would not allow me to shift and when I was finally able to shift a clutch that stuck.  Scary.  I was to leave to go down to Twin Falls to watch my grandsons that following Friday.  When I got home from teaching and told hub's he flipped out and said we were replacing the car.  The truck is just too hard for me to shift anymore and also needs to be replaced.  In fact we were going to replace that first but this was the straw.  By the way car was replaced with the very same car in the very same color only 8 years newer, and because fate has a sense of humor, my hip has not pinched since.:)

I guess at this point I just don't care as we are in a much better place to pay for a  car and I will get my other debts paid off and pay off the car.  It is just life and mine will go on.  It is what it is.

My goals for this month are to pay Hub's account back $1200.00 and Add 1000.00 to my emergency fund.  I still have two more debts to pay off but will see where everything falls next month.  I just don't want to do anything too fast as I feel like purchasing a car was not in my plan and with mom's death I am all in a dither and things will work out I just have to trust.

As for right now thanks again for your prayers, I am sad and I miss her so much.  I miss the happy mom that I did not get to see as much as I would have liked.  I can't even bear to think about baking again without her.   I know where she is and I know that she is happy and I am happy for her.  It was time and the last 10 days of her life were especially hard.  I am grateful she did not last long after her second seizure as she was confused and afraid.  At least we were able to control her pain and that was a blessing.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative. 

Kim

19 comments:

  1. Yes, life goes on, and we move along, even with the grief. You look lovely in the photo. Still praying for you. Take your time, we're all here waiting on you.

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  2. It's great to see a post from you! Moving forward after losing someone you love is never easy. Grieving is a lifelong process so be patient and kind to yourself!

    It stinks that you had to add car debt! I am glad that you can now drive safely.

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    1. I am just taking it one day at a time.

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  3. The car is what it is. Life just needs to lived. It will be long time to normal, which will always be different.

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    1. I know but I am still grateful, just wish I could get out of this brain fog.

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  4. It is so wonderful to hear from you. Your family has been in my prayers. I echo Wendi that you had to add debt, but grateful you can drive safely.

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    1. I really don't even mind, we can afford it now, I just wanted to say I was debt free sooner!

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    2. And you will be. Just take a breathe.

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  5. It has been almost 25 years since my mother died, and it still does not seem possible. Hers is the one death I will never get over. You may grieve as long as it do. But, how long and how you grieve is something only you can say. I think that car needed to go! Why don't you get an automatic?

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    1. I did get an automatic the first in 40 years. It is so weird.

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  6. Life does go on, but at first it moves at a snails pace, with cotton brains. I am so sorry you have had to go though the process of all the final preparations and am also sorry about the ongoing finalities. Wishing you nothing but peace, calm and rest.

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  7. ((((((((HUGS))))))) my friend. Please take time to grieve in any way that you need to. I am glad you are remembering the good times, the happy mom...cling to those memories of her. I'm sure being surrounded by loving friends and family has been a huge comfort also.

    I'm glad you got a new car and will be safer. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and replace things that are not safe anymore. Be blessed, know that you are loved and being prayed for.

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  8. You girls are so pretty! I've been wanting to hear from you and have been thinking of you all. Things will feel like a blur for awhile, as there is so much to do, to make for a new "normal". Hang in there and congrats! on the new car!

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    1. Thank you may I send you the payment:)

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  9. All you can do is keep strong and remember all the fun times you had - those will be with you forever!!!!

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  10. I'm glad you were able to see your family. I know it's going to take a while to recover, because you were so involved with your mother's daily care. It's different, and harder, when you are so involved with anything to have it be suddenly gone, and you have to find your new normal, as many have said. So, hang in there, and give yourself time.

    My car broke. It must be going around. So, I have had to share our 15-passenger van and my nephew's old Mazda with my husband. A real treat, especially the Mazda. After he got the Mazda to run again. Which it does when it feels like it. I think the battery was just uncharged because it sat so long unused, and now we have it charged up better, so it starts. Then, there's the matter of the windshield wipers which only run on super fast speed. Good thing it's summer. Then, the fact that there's a flashlight you turn on so you can see the dash instruments instead of dash lights. Good thing the days are long. And, no air conditioning in either vehicle. Good thing there's no heat wave right now. AND, the Mazda is a shift stick, which I have not driven for over 30 years. Amazingly enough, it's coming back to me quickly, but I still have to think about it all the time. Our super good friend mechanic is on vacation, so he will keep my car as long as he needs to to get it done. We trust him to tell us if it is worth fixing, what should be fixed, and so forth. I think I've blown the engine. :(. Plus the brakes are shot, which happens regularly, so it's not such a big deal. I drive a lot. So, if you are ever in Oregon, and see a woman in a Mazda lurching along with super fast windshield wipers going, and the windows rolled down with a flashlight shining on her dash, be sure and wave:). I won't be able to wave back, though. I'll be too busy shifting.

    I'm glad you got a new car. Sometimes, it's just what you have to do!

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