Thursday, Little things

 The morning Joel passed and the ambulance was on its way, I remember going through his clothes thinking, I have to have something for him to wear home.  It was a frantic fast time and even though he was responsive and could talk to the attendants, I decided to just leave things as Sissie could run those things to me later.  These were my thoughts.

To come back to the house within a few hours without him was surreal. We left the house at about 8:30. But the ambulance stayed and stayed out in front of Sissie's house as things went from bad to worse. Of course I had no clue, even when two more ambulances showed up and more men got out.  They lost Joel's pulse in front of the house and then they got it again.  I had no idea.

They lost it again when they had him in the ER.  We were met by a woman who put purple stickers on us that said screened.  I thought that was odd.  She told us to go sit in a certain area. One of the ambulance attendants came out and told me how sorry he was.  Then a handsome tall black minister came out to greet my sister and I.  Dan was parking the car.  He took us to a private room.  I remember reaching back to take Kay's hand as I knew then it was not good at all.  I remember saying to her, "If there was anyone else in the world I would want to be with right now it would be you."

We sat for a few minutes in a room and the minister asked us a few questions.  We found out he was a twin. What a wonderful soul to work Christmas day.  Within minutes a doctor came in, (I asked if he was Jewish because of his last name and who else would be working Christmas morning).  I told him I was very pragmatic and not to be shocked but I wanted to know exactly what my husbands chances were.  I told him I would want to do for Joel what he would do for his own father.  He said that Joel had a large blood clot in part of his heart and it had starved that muscle of oxygen to the point that it would not beat on its own.  If they could get is to beat on its own they would whisk him to surgery and remove it.  But there was too much damage.  I told him I wanted to see him and the doctor started running and I ran after him.

The machine keeping Joel's heart beating was loud and horrible. It was literally breaking his ribs.  He had never been without oxygen and they said he could likely hear me.  SO I got close to his ear and I hollered that I loved him and he was to go find Franka.  Go find our daughter.  I gave the doctor a sign and he turned off the machine.  It was dead silent.  Then the doctor whispered, "Time of death, 10:07."  That was it.  It was over.  They had kept him alive long enough for me to say goodby.

I remember leaving the hospital.  It was a beautiful, sunshiny Christmas morning.  Right as we got through the doors to the outside there was a shiny new penny right between my feet!  His last goodby. He knew how I loved to find pennies.

When I got back to Sissie's, I could not even look at Joel's things. I would not touch the pants he had worn, even though they were flung over his suitcase.  I left things like that until after Sluggy and Dan were taken to the airport. Kay and Dan took care of everything. I took important insurance cards and things out of his wallet and I kept his reading glasses.  That was it.  They took everything else to Good will.  But I keep his reading glasses buy his spot at home.  Just a little bit of him.

Isn't this dressing table pretty?  I just love the wood and it goes so well with my bedroom set. The mirror came out of Lil sis's boyfriend's house.  He said the mirror was too feminine. Perfect for me! Joel's forestry bookcase was here. He wanted me to have a makeup table, but he needed a place for all his books. By the way I still hate putting on makeup no matter how pretty the place is.... Ungrateful little wench that I am.

Had a check up today.  Back on an antibiotic for 10 days for sinus infection. As I have had drainage for over 6 weeks, yippee. Tomorrow I see the eye specialist again. Had blood work done, for thyroid at eye doctor's request. I feel fine and I have to take all this crap, got to love it!

Now today I am going to start sending out thank you cards.  I am going to try and do 10 a day until I am done.  But it is very emotional for me. This is so hard.  I know I keep saying that.

Bare with me, kind of in a rut right now.

Went and got a soda this morning at Micky D's and I had a 20 dollar bill and of course got back 3-5's.  I am so short of cash because I have not sewn for almost 2 months.  Now I know I am saving my 5's, but I really did not want 3 back as it cuts into my spending money. The only solution is to sew more. Drat!

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim