Thursday, January 26, 2023

Thursday, I'm a mess

 Sissie is making me blog.  I am a mess. When I found out about SAM it put me under.  I am in a very bad place.  Hilogene was bad enough and now my SAM.  Just the thought that someone else has to experience what I am experiencing is almost more than I can take. Love you SAM and Hilogene.  Words cannot express my sympathy for you.

I am through the denial phase and into the anger phase,  I swear I have used the F bomb more in the last week than I have my whole life.  Not proud of that. 

Sissie will be here until the 11th of February.  Aunty comes the 2nd of February and will be with me until the 15th of March.  Still don't know how I will let Kay go home.  Can't even think about it.

The house is torn up.  We have all the furniture from the dining room, living room and family room stashed in bedrooms and garage.  The grandfather clock cannot go out there and neither can the instruments.  The baby grand is on it's side in the spare bedroom.  I really miss it.  Every time I was going to lose it, I would go in and start playing the piano.  I almost memorized an entire songbook.  I had no idea what a comfort this would be.  But Joel played a lot. Playing brings me peace.  Funny things that you would not think would do that.  

All the flowers are dead.  We had so many.  But the two plants I received I cherish. They are alive.

I went to Missoula for 3 days last weekend, as the floors were getting put in.  They are not quite finished and will finish up this weekend.

I have taken all the old trim and sanded and removed all the old caulking.  That was a job.  Then I had to wash each piece with a special cleaner and putty the holes, sand again and wash and then two new coats of paint. It will not be perfect but to get  new oak trim throughout the house with all the cuts and special rounded corner pieces would be about $3000.  I cannot afford that right now.   But the old trim will be fine.  Most of it is covered by furniture anyway.

The kitchen floor is torn up and I am waiting for the hardwoods to be done so I can order flooring to somewhat match. I don't have the money for that either so I may wait awhile and just walk on the mess.

I have not started sewing yet.  Just too scattered. But I will need to start as I need the money. 

This weekend I will be up at Braunwyn's, as they will be sanding and staining and sealing the floors. I think B is taking her Dad's death the hardest, but then she is the youngest and her children ( if she has another) will never know her dad. 

I am still trying to get into a routine, and so far, that is not happening. I just wander.  It is so very hard.

Thanks for the support, and I will try to get better.


Friday, January 13, 2023

Friday, This is hard

 I had a real crying jag today, brought on by going to the SS office and finding out that the SS number on the death certificates was wrong, even though they knew Joel was dead as they had already gotten it correct from hospital.  So somewhere along the line it was transposed.  I guess I was supposed to catch it, but how could I when I was not home where my records were, and I could hardly have Joel tell me. What a mess now they want a court order and anywhere from $695-1295.00 to fix it and $40.00 more per correct certificate.  Anyway, Sissie to the rescue and it looks like the Crematorium is going to eat it as we could prove that SS already had correct info from hospital.  So much stress and I had a meltdown.

I have not really cried since Christmas day. This is just so hard.

Joel's nephew came last night and switched my light fixtures and put a new really bright one in the shop.  He also put new blinds up in both the shop and the spare room.  He hung the handmade quilt Jess bought me in Hawaii.  Just a lot of drilling and moving things.   So now we just wait for the carpet and floor guys on Monday.

Sissie and I cleaned out both freezers and took food to people in the church and little sis.  Just things I will not get eaten in time.  We also thoroughly cleaned the fridge.  We are going to go through the food storage next week.  But not until we get the shop and the bedroom back together. 

I have an appointment with SSI on Feb 2 for survivor benefits. I am just a mess.  Waking up way too early and then not being able to go back to sleep. 

Hardwoods are going to be put throughout the rest of the house starting next week. The laminate floor we have is very poor quality and is lifting. Nate my son in law and his dad are doing it for cost. My son in law laid hard wood for years before he married our daughter.  What a blessing.  But also, a mess!

Can't wait to show pictures of the final results.

I have a headache from crying. Sissie is making me rice krispie treats.  I think I will eat the whole pan.


Thursday, January 12, 2023

Thursday, So many changes

 Ugh.  Thanks for the outpouring of support it means a lot. Ugh. There are so many changes for my mind to wrap around.

Yesterday I was looking forward to the Wednesday paper as that is the day the adds come out. But then I said why? There is so much food in this house I will never be able to eat it all before it goes bad.  Not the canned food, but the freezer food will burn before I can eat it. I have no reason to buy groceries.  I did purchase a 1/2 gallon of milk and some apple juice but that was for the grandbabies.

Right now, everything from the shop and the guest rooms is scattered all over the front room and dining room. The floor people come on Monday. I can hardly wait to get things in order.  My brain feels like it will never be in order.

I can do nothing financially without death certificates and those are not here yet. But we have been taking bags and bags to the dump and good will. Even though the house was neat, it was surprising how much stuff had snuck in that could be donated or tossed.  We have not even started on the garage.  Also, Hubs had two sheds that are full of tools and random stuff. But that will be for later.

Every day we try and get something done. It keeps my mind busy which helps, I think. Kelsa is here and I have to pick Schmills up from school this afternoon. Usually, Joel did the picking up but now it will be me.  I don't mind.  When the shop opens again, I will just be careful not to schedule things and leave a note that I will be back within an hour.  The grandkids will come first.

I don't even know where to begin or end right now.  I am still just in a state of disbelief and shock. You will probably see me write this many, many times. 

Today we are going through the indoor pantry and the indoor freezer. Some things will be sent to the kids and others to the church, so they don't go bad. There are things that I made for Joel that I just won't eat. I do not want things wasted.

I wonder when I will cook again. I don't like this.  I don't like it one bit.

Here is Kim complaining.... not one bit.


Wednesday, January 11, 2023

Wednesday, Time to start

 My mind is numb. Having a hard time keeping any thoughts straight. It's like I have a big block in the front of my brain that is almost tangible.  The thoughts go in and nothing comes out.  Sissie is still with me and will me here until the end of the month. 

  I would just like my brain back please. I am sleeping better, but I don't want to wake up because then the block is back in the front of my brain and I know Joel is gone.  He is dead and I can't accept that.  I guess I am in the denial phase.  It has only been a little over two weeks so I suppose that is okay.

I had so many savings plans and financial plans for the new year and they are all up in smoke.  Not that I won't eventually do something. I am just on hold for a while.  Like an airplane circling the airport. Circling, circling and where will I land?

I should have death certificates in a few days and I can then start getting the finances in order. Financially things will not change much.  I am not sewing right now, I just can't handle the pressure.  What is Kim without pressure?

Joel and I had already decided to flip flop the bedrooms, where the shop and the guest room have been. The shop was in the smaller of the two rooms with a usable closet.  But it also took the full hot sun through a large window and even with a shade drawn and air conditioning the room was very hot during the afternoons.  You cannot run a fan in a sewing room.  Also the closet in the guest room is my cloffice.  It has no hanging rack and it is where I blog and write.

Now the shop is in the bigger of the two rooms and has a large window that does not get direct sunlight so much of the day. We have filled all the holes in the shop room and have painted it cottage white.  We had carpet layers scheduled for the 10th or yesterday to come and remove the carpets and put down new carpet in the new guest room and linoleum in the shop. I pushed that back to next Monday, as I did not know if I was even going to do anything.  But the kids and sisters think the project is good for me and it is. Of course this messes up the house like crazy, which is hard on Sissie as she is a neat nick, but she can deal.

I will send pictures as soon as the new flooring is laid. Right now I am just maintaining. Everyday is longer than normal yet shorter than normal.  I cannot describe the feeling, but I am sure many of you can.

Still through everything we all had laughter. We all had joy, unspeakable joy that I cannot even explain.  All I can say is God is good.  I have been surrounded by family and good friends. I have felt the sustaining prayers and have been granted so much peace. Grief is grief and it is not fun.  It is a lurker burrowing into your soul, where it sits waiting for a moment to jump out and say GOTCHA! Dirty little bugger.

I am losing too much weight, as I can't eat.  I do get hungry and then one or two bites and I can't eat anymore.  I am proof that one can survive on a few pieces of chocolate, a handful of potato chips and diet coke. Need to work on this.

I have so many funny stories to tell you about the last couple of weeks.  So stay tuned. Please comment if you can as replying to your comment will sustain me. Thanks for all your prayers you have no idea how much they are doing for me.

Love you all.


Wednesday, January 4, 2023

Wednesday, Link to funeral service


Hi, this is very, very hard. But I wanted those of you who care to be able to watch the Zoom of Joel's funeral service.  You will need to go to Youtube, and then type in Riverview Ward, Lewiston Idaho. stake.  or The link will come up.  The service starts at 11:00 western time so remember is you are on the East coast or the mid west there maybe a one, two or three hour time difference. So either, noon, one or two depending on where you live.

I am surrounded by family and friends and hanging in there. It was a terrible shock. I felt extremely bad for Slug and her husband, having to be with us during this time.  But I can't think of better people to be with. Lots of laughs and lots of tears. They were such a comfort to me and gave me so much strength, but who really wants to go through that?  What a mess.

I want to send a special shout out to Cheryl at Cheryl's frugal corner. She lost her beloved husband in the same way a few years ago. I was so impatient with Joel. I used my blog as a sounding board. But after she lost her husband, I tried to quit doing that as I knew that she would give anything to have her husband back.  I felt that trashing Joel in front of her would hurt her, so I tried to more kind, and more patient with him.  I tried to ask myself what would Cheryl do?  How would she act?  I can honestly say I developed a deeper patience and love for my husband (who believe me could still cause me great aggravation) But by not writing out those feelings, I became more patient. I developed more understanding. Cheryl you will never know how much you taught me or how much you mean to me.  

We all blog, and we never really know how we affect each other.  What lessons do we learn from others who are so different than ourselves?  Our lives are all so different, but we draw strength and knowledge from each other, when we are positive and kind. 

Hilogene also lost her husband a few days after Joel.  He also had a heart attack on Christmas day. Hilogene often comments on my blog.

Hug your loved ones, be grateful for your time, it can be over too soon.

I will get back into blogging next week.  Say prayers for my family, as I have had that peace that passeth understanding with me since the moment of his death. I know it is the prayers that sustain me.