Thursday , What matters?

 My plants are getting bigger.  Too bad the weather is cold and crappy.  Not spring at all.  Maybe a blessing as I would want to be outside. 

Greif bleeds one day into the next, as I survive.  I really don't like existing this way, but I have no choice.

I was proud of what I got done yesterday and I am determined to finish a bit of sewing and then get to a huge pile of alterations.

I am struggling with the blog, as I feel like I have no financial goals to speak of.  I don't need to be chasing cheap grocery prices as I am not eating enough to warrant that.  Plus, I already have so much food I am not cooking. 

I really enjoyed blogging about debt payoff.  Not that I want more debt.  But I want goals.

I do have $515.00 in my $5 bill savings for Hawaii.  That should be plenty for food and fun.

I am saving a penny a day in my can. It has 42.78 in it and I will put in money soon for April. But other than that, it is just the house and once this money situation with the state is resolved, I will attack that with a vengeance.

I am looking forward to something I can attack. I think I will feel less fractured if I have a big goal. At least that is what I am hoping.

It sounds to me like blog land is all suffering from this chest cold crud.  How can we live so far apart and then all get the same things.

I have to find out what matters to me for the future and I am so at a loss right now. 

Well here we go for today.  At least for today I have a plan and maybe that is all I need.

1. finish up hand work on suit and call

2. finish up prom dress and call

3. start little person pile as follows.... alter coat sleeves

4. alter snow pants

5. mend 6 pairs of suit pants

6. alter coat sleeves

7. alter pants

8.alter three shirts

9. alter two pairs of long johns

10. alter 5 more pairs of pants

11. alter a coat

12. alter outdoor hunting coat

13. alter outdoor hunting bibs

I am sure there is more.  These are really hard as a little person has a regular body but extremely short limbs.  You can't just shorten a pair of pants they have to be tapered and tailored to look normal.  So hard.  But it must be done.  So I do.  There is no way I can get all this done today but I will get a start.

Here goes.  Wish me luck.

Kim

Wednesday, Maybe better?

 I am trying so hard to run away from depression and I am not sure if this cold is why I want to be back in bed or I am just depressed. But today I do feel a little better.

Went out to dinner with a friend, tried hard to eat I should have been hungry. Brought most of my food home.

Ran more paperwork to my specialist and took death certificate down to one of the banks.  Paid a few bills and now I need to really concentrate on the shop.

I have several wedding dresses almost done .  As in I just need to do a few more things before I can call and get them out of here.

Then the piles before they grow too high. 

So the list starts with:

1. call bride for fitting( Monday at 10)

2. put bustling hooks on dress and call

3. finish bustle, back, and underskirts on wedding dress and call.

4. alter three blouses

5. alter sport coat

6. alter mans suit

7. alter hem shorts

8. hem jeans

9. fix prom dress

10. start on pile of alterations for little man ( I have put this off because it is so hard)

Okay now that I see list I may just go back to bed.  Can I weather through?  I think I can.  I will do the best I can.

Kim

Tuesday, I just don't feel very good.

 Kelsa is fine, but this is what I want to be doing. I want to curl up on a sofa or bed and just sleep and sleep.  This cold lingers, with a steady cough and sinus drainage. It is just really wiping me out.  Not very happy about it.  Taking over the counter meds as directed, and I really don't know if they are helping as much as I would like. But if I don't feel better by Friday I will go into doctor.

Just this overall feeling of exhaustion and malaise.  My biggest fear is that I will sink into depression, and I want to make sure it is just the cold and not my mind.  I don't want to go there.  I am fighting it off on all fronts.  I do not like to be brought down by anything. 

I downloaded a form from my email for possible help with my most expensive med. I will run that in today as soon as Nate picks up Kelsa.

I spent all day yesterday working on handwork on wedding dresses and I will finish another today.

Many small projects in piles for me to tackle. Just hems and things. Need to pull another couple of wedding dresses to finish up before the week is out.

The wheezing in my breathing is better so I will take that as a good sign. I have only had one really bad coughing jag. 

My problem is impatience. Everyone who has gotten this crud said it was a bad one and I was so sure I would skate through.  Kim and her ability to deny reality but then she can also lose a month.

I just need to feel better.  Anyone have any Fairy dust?  Willing to try anything.

Kim

Monday, I found May!

 Okay two of my favorite people with a MCWeevil. I am still coughing and wetting my pants, but no aches or pains.  Spent the weekend mostly down, taking naps and just doing nothing.

The kids took me out for a lovely dinner on Friday, my fever had broken Thursday night.  Then we went to Lil sis's for cake and ice cream.  I was wiped out after and went home to bed.  Signe' came with me and of course my sidekick Kelsa.  Who by the way does kick your side when she sleeps with you.

Slugs called me yesterday and I made a discovery!  What you ask?  I found my May!  Yes, in Kim's bleak grieving brain May had disappeared. Like Joel had taken it to heaven.  It was gone. 

I am frantically trying to get all the wedding dresses for June out because I will be gone two weeks in April, and I don't want to get home with only a few days of June to get dresses out. As in April, June, July. Now we all know my brain is anything but linear but to lose an entire month.  I have a gift.  I mean this has haunted me for several weeks.  Like in my mind May completely disappeared.

Now I have a whole 31 more days to get this work out and I feel so much better.  What is wrong with me?  Don't answer that.

Thanks for all the well wishes for my birthday.  65 who would have thought?

I did get the taxes ready to go to the accountant. So that is one large bother out of the way.  Now I just have to make phone calls for fittings and pickups. 

My main problem is I don't want to do anything, and I have to. 

I am trying all sorts of ways to motivate myself, but they are not working.

Any ideas? I am plum out of ideas for motivation.

Kim

Friday, Kim has a fever.

 Kim has a fever she is down. It is also Kim's 65th birthday.  I am down. 

Love Kim

Wednesday, What happened to yesterday?

My pussy willow tree!

 I don't remember much about yesterday and I thought I had blogged.  But it was a hectic morning and frustrating day.  I was up earlier than usual which made me happy, and I started running errands. I wanted to get the car in to see when an oil change was needed also tires checked.  Joel always did that.  Set and appointment for Friday.  Tire rotation, brake check and oil change. Then I filled out paperwork for a reduction in the cost of my most expensive med and took it to the doctor's office to see if I qualify for help.  Took new drug info down to pharmacy and picked up prescriptions.  My new drug card worked although meds I paid nothing for are now a 10.00 co pay.  I love how when you retire things get more expensive while you are living on a reduced income.  It makes so much sense, right?  Ran up to phone company and got a new phone, which I was in need of, actually paid for it outright and lowered my bill for the next 2 years.  Then home to fight the last account of Joel's.  Spent 3 hours off and on, on hold and found out they had not sent all the paperwork needed so am now waiting for that.

I did get a couple of dresses started and now have to finish today.  It was a frustrating day.  So much time wasted on dumb ass paperwork. 

I just want to sew and be left alone.  Today is take the neighbor to the food pantry day, so that will take time.  But I am determined to get 4 dresses ready for fittings today so I can concentrate on this pile of alterations I have sitting here.

Signe' stayed with me last night no Kelsa. She had an early surgery. I woke late today as I had bad dreams about owning a sewing shop in a mini mall and getting so behind.  Clients kept coming and constant interruptions.  I could get nothing done, but I still kept getting work in and I took it.  It was just such a real nightmare.  Where in truth I sent a woman away yesterday as the dress was too hard and I did not want to do it.  Then I had the University call with a 20-uniform contract for the ROTC.  It would have been over a $1000 worth of work but had to be completed before I leave for Jethelyn's.  I also turned them away.  Any new brides for June have to wait until I get back to have dresses done.  So, I am trying to keep work at bay and be sensible. Just have dreams that I am not. Felt like I had not slept all night.

But I feel like I did get some important things done for me. I set my timer this morning three times for 15 minutes and got the house really straightened up.  So, I have no excuse not to sew.

On you mark get set go!

I am so sad most of the time, I just have to keep going.

By the way Slug if you go before Dan (God forbid) remember I get him not Kay, as she already has a Dan and I saw him first.  If Dan goes before you, we will just live together and spend most of our time on cruise ships eating carrot cake.

See how I just solved that problem?

Kim

Monday, Busy weekend!

 St. Patrick's Day at the Mexican restaurant. My friend and I have spent the last 4 St. Patrick's Day together, but the first three we shared with husbands.  Now we are widows, so let's carry on the tradition with our funny hats.  

My girls are so afraid to let me be alone.  Last Wednesday Signe' spent the night along with Kelsa, who was also not feeling her best. Then Thursday Signe' asked me to come up to her place and spend the night and help her switch out decor in her two bathrooms. She had pink towels in the master bath and Nate did not want pink in his bathroom.  Men!

I also agreed to teach an Irish set dance at Williams school.  That was fun and hysterical.  Kids ranging from first grade up to 5 th grade.  So cute, and fun.  They loved it and I think they did really well.  Then Sig and I did a few errands and completed her projects, and I flew down the hill to join my buddy for dinner.

Signe' came down with the kids that night so she could help me the next day with my plant transfers.  But Will woke with and earache and Kelsa was still punk. I wanted her to take the kids in as 4 days with a fever just did not seem like a cold to me.  Sure, enough Will had an ear infection and Kelsa had a double draining ear infection. Kids went home with antibiotics, and I actually stayed alone on Sunday night!!!!!!

Can you believe it? My first night alone since Joel's passing. It was actually okay.  Probably because I was exhausted taking care of sick kids and the very tired mommy of sick kids. Do any of you remember those nights up with sick babies, and no sleep and then having to carry on like you got a good night's sleep? SO happy I am over those days.  Well not really as I had Kelsa here last night, at least she did not throw up in my bed.

On Saturday, I transplanted all my geraniums and Merigolds.  I will be able to put these out in my small green house in a month. Also started a new tray of other bedding plants and veggies.  The only I thing I have not started are my Herbs. I will buy tomato plants.

.

Braunwyn was due down here with Oliver this afternoon to spend a couple of days, but I am working on a cold (I wonder why?) and I called and told her not to come.  She does not need this and neither does Oliver.

I have lots to do today.  Want to knock out a couple of wedding dresses and finish a holy communion dress. Just lots of white around here plus I have a huge pile of alterations for a little person due out this week and I have to get my taxes in this week.  Kill me now. My desk is piled with paperwork that needs to be done and I can hardly face paying bills.  One day at a time Kim you can do this.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

Thursday, No regrets!

 She is down.  Fever this morning of 103.4 which is high for an adult, but pretty average for a baby.  Came right down to normal with Tylenol.  You or I would have been comatose with a fever that high.  But she is sleeping a lot.

I was able to get all the quilting things put away and the house cleaned up.  I miss my Aunt. She was a quiet but busy presence. 

Not feeling super good today.  My stomach is bothering me on all levels, and I have a bad headache.  I would like to take some aspirin but afraid it will upset my stomach further.

The kids are sick with a cold, so not the same thing.

Once all the money crap is settled and I am down to just my house once again, I want to really concentrate on paying it down.

I ask myself why I did not make much progress since we bought the place and I know the answer.  We were having too much fun! I used shop monies usually reserved for debt payments, for vacations, and toys, and travel.  Money I could have been paying down the house loan I used to just have fun.  The house will be paid for eventually, but I will never get back those wonderful moments we experienced traveling.  The hours we spent camping, and Joel off with the grandsons on his 4-wheeler.  

I don't regret the truck payment, or paying cash for the kayaks, and the trailer to haul them.  I don't regret the cruises and the trips to and fro.  They are all great memories, and they are what I am left with.  We had a wonderful cruise at Christmas, and we were with wonderful friends.  Now I could have paid down the house loan by about 12 thousand dollars, but I didn't, and I don't regret it one bit.

Even though this is a Fianacial blog in some ways, and my goal is always to be debt free, my goal was also to live life.  Life is short. People pass and you can be sitting debt free with no memories. I have so many great memories and the laughter, I will never forget the laughter.  Those memories are priceless, and the house debt will get paid just not today.

Today is for great memories.

Kim

Wednesday, I am a mess

 Trying to get a decent picture of Kelsa and Aunty before she left. Kelsa has a low-grade fever and was not having it.  She was not having her hair combed, she was not taking out her bink, she was not going to look up and smile.  But look at that cute belly button.  Slugs she has on donut pants.

I already had a meltdown.  Trying to hold it together. Can you believe I am this vulnerable? 

We went out to a new Japanese restaurant last night and I loved it. Aunty not so much!   Then we went and bought 2 pies, because it was Pie Day.   I still have over 1/2 coconut cream in the fridge and left the choco cream at Lil sis's even thought she said not to.

So I had pie for breakfast and now I am a little sick, from too much sweet on an empty stomach.

I had so many plans for the new year.  Savings plans, strategy's and I have nothing.  Well, I have a few things, but nothing like I had planned. Here it is 1/2 way through March, and I am still not on even keel. Much of it not my fault as monies have not gone where they are supposed to. I did finally today get Joel's SSI allotment, so it looks like that will be a regular thing. Now if the state just back pays the money for Jan., Feb., and March along with April's allotment I might be able to make some plans. What this has shown me though is just how little I can get by on.  Which is always a good lesson, if not a fun one.

Kelsa just brought me the thermometer and laid her head on my leg.  She has a fever of 100.  Poor little snipe.  Just made her a bottle of juice with Tylenol in it, wrapped her in a fuzzy blanket and put her in front of her favorite cartoon. It is so cute that she knows something is wrong.

I did get three dresses either done or ready for final fittings yesterday, but 4 more came in so no progress. Today I plan on finishing 2 or three and then calling for final fittings.  I want all the June dresses out before I leave for Hawaii.  SO lots to do.

Signe' is spending the night with me and tomorrow I am going up to her place to spend the night.  I am teaching an Irish set dance to William's school on St Patricks's day.

Pray for me for the next few days, I need help!

Kim

Tuesday, Aunties last day!

 Here she is trying frantically to finish a bright colored quilt!  At 88 years of age this woman is a slave driver.  She just goes and goes.  She is amazing!  I am going to miss her so much.  Look at her down on her knees on that hard floor.!

Lil sis is taking us out to dinner tonight, so I am excited about that. I am worried about not having anyone here as I have not been alone since Joel's death.  Just typing Joel's death about kills me. But look I must be getting better as I typed it twice. It has been almost 3 months, so I do believe it is time to rip off the bandage.

Nathan is driving Aunty up to Spokane tomorrow, as the kids do not want me driving 2 hours home alone.  They are afraid I will be too emotional.  They are probably right. 

I just found out an old grade school friend lost his wife to a major heart attack.  They had been married 46 years and were high school sweethearts. What is scary is we always thought this was happening to the older generation and it is happening to us.  We are the older generation. Unexpected things can happen so fast. Hold on and love hard is all I can say.

I sewed hard all day into the evening yesterday but was not able to get to a wedding dress or my plants. Hopefully today I can knock out a couple of dresses. I still have one pair of jeans I need to replace a zipper on before I start on a wedding dress. 

I already had an appointment this morning and the dress is a nightmare, but I do love a challenge.  I also have two more coming in today. Just sew busy.  Pardon the pun. 

I keep wondering if I will do better at getting the sewing done with Aunty not here, but I don't know? She certainly is not bothersome or in my way.  I just think that maybe I will concentrate more when I am alone because I will need to in order to fight the loneliness. Realize I will still have Kelsa a couple of days a week if not more and the kids stop in constantly.  Thank goodness for my kids. I am so blessed. Also, Lil sis is just 5 minutes away and often stops by for lunch.  She says I am the cheapest restaurant in town and the service is great! 

Sew much to do, sew much to do.  Sew I am off to do it!

You guys got any wild plans for today?  Do tell.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

 

Monday, A nice surprise

Got home from Twin Falls yesterday and it was a long drive.  It takes at least 8 hours with stops.  Aunty went right to bed when we got home. Just sitting in a car is exhausting, but she was so happy to see Jess and the boys.  It was nice to see Joel's mom also. 

I arrived home and picked up the mail and received a card form Anne in the Kitchen.  She also saves all her $5 bills and then uses them for charity. I was her charity of choice this last month.  She sent me 6 five-dollar bills for my trip with my daughter to Hawaii.  Wasn't that wonderful.  I had come home from Twin Falls and added my 5's to the pot and now had $395.00 saved and with Anne's card I am up to $425.00.  So nice to be loved and thought of. Thank you, Anne!

Home to a pile of work that I am trying to avoid.  Also, my little seedlings need to be transplanted badly.  I am really excited about doing this and I am using this as a tool to force myself to get work done in the shop. I will use almost anything to get my butt moving.

It was C.S. Lewis who said, "I didn't know grief was so much like fear."  I can really relate to that. Fear of the unknown, fear of the mind, fear of the tears, fear of offending others, fear of being a burden, fear of inactivity, fear of being misunderstood, fear of losing one's temper, fear of loneliness, fear of financial upheaval, fear of not being able to do something that needs done.  Just so many fears that you have to navigate through.  I do not like being fearful.  I try to have faith, but sometimes it just isn't there.

This blog helps me so much to get my feelings out, so I am not wallowing.  Oh, who am I kidding I do wallow sometimes.

So rather than wallow, I am going to make a list of things to get done today.

1. put on some makeup

2. make my bed

3. finish the laundry

4. replace two zippers

5. go to Joanns for a zipper.

6. Get a large pile of mending done.

7. alter at least one wedding dress.

8. transplant seedlings, but only after I have completed list!

9. replace a zipper

10. get a pile done

Don't I have an exciting life??

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

Wednesday, Humor, and the Morbid

If you do not have a sick and twisted humor like me, you might skip this post. 

This morning I went yet again to the eye surgeon, and I have 20/20 vision.  Still have to go back in 6 months.  The fact that I have had 4 operations on my right eye and then this rare condition that has healed up nicely, is giving my doctor all sorts of caution.  He said it is a miracle I see as well as I do.  Somehow my eye decided to grow blood vessels that then fed cholesterol deposits under the cornea.  Why? No one knows....

Anyway, on the way home I dropped off my poop box, or more nicely said my Cologuard box.  It has been sitting in my bathroom for a couple of weeks, because well yuck! Finally, Signe' chastised me, as in "Mom really how long are you going to let that gross test sit there before you do it?"

SO, let's talk about square boxes.  I know, I know such a strange request.  But I have observed that gross things come in square boxes.

When Joel passed, it was Christmas morning..  Not the day the local coronor just jumps out of bed and starts visitng hospital morgues. I was told it would be up to three days before Joel was picked up.

segue: We had discussed death.  Joel wanted to be cremated and his ashes put in Franka's (our daughters) grave.  We plan on taking his ashes to Missoula this summer and putting them in her grave.

Then we were told he would be in a que of up to 7 days before he was cremated.  There was no possible way for us to get his ashes shipped in time for his funeral on January 5th.

Now Lil sis was in charge of the funeral, as I was on another planet and could only answer, "I don't know." to any question asked.  She was upset about not having at least an urn by his picture at the service.  I did not care.  But whatever....  Have an empty urn if it makes you feel better.  Or better yet since many members of the family smoke, just take that urn and put your cigarette ashes in it, maybe a few small chicken bones, maybe Signe' could bring a few teeth home from the office.  I mean really no one would know the difference.  Of course, this was my idea because my mind is sick and twisted.

Alas the urn remained empty at the funeral because no one thought my suggestion was valid although Joel would have loved it.

The morning of the funeral of course was chaos, everyone trying to get ready, and all the flowers and things had to get to the church.  I was one of the last out the door, and my two youngest were in the master bathroom primping.  I hollered at them, "Don't you two be late for your dad's funeral."  They responded with snorts.  Yeah, you have to know these two.

So Braunwyn goes out the garage door and Signe' exits the front door.  There is a perfectly square box on the porch in Signe's way and she kicks it to the side and wonders why it is so heavy for such a small box and continues to the church.

The urn at the church was empty and the service was beautiful no one was the wiser.

All the family gathered at the house after the luncheon and Sarah my niece was the first to arrive.  Of course, people go through both doors and Sarah picks up the box on the porch and starts screaming, "Mom, Mom it's Uncle Joel!"  Yes, Joel had made it in time for the funeral, but Signe' had kicked him to the side thinking the box ready Holy Family Christmas and not Holy family crematorium. Now in her defense, there were still many Christmas packages piled in the front room that were Joel's that no one touched.  And she was moving fast, and the Crematorium part was only partially on the top of the box.

Sarah puts the box on the table in the front room and Braunwyn comes in and sees the box, and starts hollering, "Signe', Signe', it's Dad!"  Signe' then realizes she kicked her dad and stepped over him.  Who does that? Now the whole family is gathered around and all we can do is laugh.  Joel would have loved this.

 So, Signe' and I have decided that gross and morbid things come in this certain size of square box. After we had this discussion, I have decided to wrap all my Christmas presents to the kids in this size box.  If I could only get some of the tape that says human cremains. (You may stop reading me now and unsubscribe) 

I got things done yesterday; I am very proud to me.  It was slow going and I felt like I was pulling a train up a mountain, but I persevered.

Aunty and I are leaving tomorrow morning for Twin Falls. We will come home on Sunday.  Aunty wants to see Jess and her boys.  We will pick up Joel's mom on the way and take her with us.  I am looking forward to seeing my eldest daughter.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

Tuesday, Quilt done, but nothing else!

 We finished another quilt. Isn't this one lovely? The one problem I see with quilting, okay several problems.  It is expensive.  Once you finish, what do you do with it?  You can only have so many blankets. Now Aunty sells her quilts. I will not be selling quilts. But it is a lot of fun and you feel very accomplished when you are done. Now what do I do with this?

I did nothing I needed to do yesterday.  I did finish this quilt, but it was not what I needed to do.  I am in a funk.  Yet I am not really sad.  Just surviving.

I hope I can convince myself to get something done today.  Maybe if I make a list.  Remember my lists?  Way too long to be humanly possible.  But that was back in the day when I thought myself invincible.  I have learned different.

Okay I will try:

1. take shoulders up in a jumpsuit.

2. hem a pair of pants

3. hem a pair of jeans

4. hem a pair of jeans

5. hem a pair of suit pants

6. remove cuffs from a coat

7. hem a dress and make three bridal garters

Okay that is enough, I think. 10 wedding dresses in shop and I cannot even look at them.  Yikes.

Say a prayer for me, I need one.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

Monday, Fun few days

 

Everyone wants to see Nate's backside, right?  Or how about the cutest little helper. When the kids moved the fridge back the linoleum got a small boo boo.  Nate put a patch in, as it bothered him much more than me.  You cannot see it.  The fridge covers it. My dad always said when you get something new you need to take a small hammer and give it a whack, so you quit worrying about it being new.

Friday, Aunty, my friend and I all drove to Kooskia (75 miles) to visit a quilting barn.  It had more fabric than I have ever seen before.  It was a fun day.  We stopped for lunch at a little bakery and the food was great! Signe' had given Aunty and I some quilt money and of course we spent it.

Now I wonder who loves purple and lime green?  Hmmm.... I see a new quilt in the making.

Saturday, Aunty and I quilted, and I finished pinning the blanket binding on a quilt.  We putzed around all day, got a few groceries and then went to Lil sis's for dinner and plated Farkle.  It was so fun.  Then home to bed.  Both of us were tired!

I accidently slept in On Sunday, so I was late for church.  Church is so hard for me as people always come and ask how you are and after the third one, I am having a hard time controlling my emotions.  I have to hightail it out of there. When will that go away?

Sunday, we had the sister missionaries over and also my friend that went to get fabric with us here for dinner.  It was delicious. Lots of leftovers.  Kids came in after we had eaten and helped to eat up what they could.  Nathan dropped off Kelsa as he has to leave late this afternoon for a weeklong training, and he needed a day to rest and get packed. So, she is with me today. Such a funny little bug.

We are headed to Twin Falls at the end of the week, so Aunty can see Jethelyn and the kids.  That means I have to get my act together and get things done.  My act is not very easy right now.

But today, I have a few pants to hem, and a few piles, and then some zippers.  I really must do something.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

Thursday, New floor!

 The new kitchen floor!!!!! Remember the whole house was done in a dark grey Pergo type, flooring.  I mean the whole dang house. It was lifting and you could not keep it clean.  It streaked and marked.  You had to hand dry it with a towel to get it to look nice.  1800 square feet of that crap and I was about nuts. (Okay Slug and Anne I can hear you.)

Putting in the light oak hardwood and then this high-grade hospital linoleum has so brightened up the place. I walk in the kitchen, and I can't believe how light it is, plus it is waterproof.  I don't have to panic if the ice maker spits out an ice cube.

I am loving It! I feel like I live in a different house!

Now the kitchen sink is a fiasco.  I am still working on that.  But it is a story for another day. Plus, I would like to get a little more money put aside, and I can live with it.

Aunty and I have been invited out to lunch with a friend today, I have already had a wedding dress picked up, and I have several more fittings this afternoon.  Plus, I have two large piles of alterations I want to get through and a bodice to put together.

Aunty and I went out last night and I had her feet done.  She is diabetic and in bad need of a pedicure.  I also had my nails done.  We both felt great after we left. She loves her shocking pink toenails!  Pink is her favorite color.

Nathan is coming to move the fridge back later today, so I don't have to pay movers again. Then I can really get things put back together.

Good days and bad days.  I was able to get to sleep last night alone in my big bed, and then I only woke once and was able to get back to sleep, and then slept until 8:14.  So I was thrilled.  I think things go better for me when I get enough sleep and that is only the second night since Joel passed that I felt was a good night's rest.

Who knew this was going to be so hard? Certainly not I. But alas here I am, or I should say here we are in the saga of Kim losing her spouse.

Oh, by the way I have $300.00 saved in my $5 dollar bill savings.

Thanks for tuning in, will it be tears or cheers?  Tomorrow will tell....

Have a great and productive day staying positive when you really feel like screaming....

Kim

Wednesday, Better today

Aunty and I are stuck in her room as the floor people have all the appliances shoved into the place where she is sewing, and they have taken over my shop to cut the linoleum. So, we are both on her bed just watching the telly.

I am much better today.  Signe' spent the night with me and that made me feel better.  Lil sis came over and talked me off the ledge.  I woke up to bloggers who commented and made me feel better.  I just cannot imagine getting through all of this without you guys.

I really am trying to get myself in a more stable place, but it is just so hard. I feel like this whiney crying baby all the time.  I am not used to myself being so needy.  I don't like me.  But here I am.

Aunty and I watched Sense and Sensibility last night.  She had never seen it. Then she woke me this morning (I was able to sleep in) by sticking her head in the door and saying, "Madam the floor people are here." It was so funny.

The house is torn up again and I have a wedding dress to get out by tomorrow.  I also have a wedding alteration for a second fitting due tomorrow, so I have a lot to do today, and I cannot put it off.  Which is good for me, as I have become the queen of putting things off.

I am feeling very blessed today, and I hope I can maintain that feeling. Yesterday was the record for bad days since Joel passed. May I not top it.

I have three appointments coming in later this afternoon and I have to go to the bank and get cash for the floor guys. 

Sissie just called and told me that her husband had finally made the decision to move here upon retirement. That will be in a little over a year.  I am so excited. I love my brother-in-law and he is a great comfort to me.  When you marry a twin, it is a package deal. Joel always knew that Kay was my other half, and she was included in all of our dealings. Actually, he always accepted Lil sis in the same way.  He would do anything for her. 

Well, I am off to get something done.  Anything done.

Have a great and productive day.  (I am going to try to)

Kim

Tuesday, GRRRR!

 

I swear if one more thing goes wrong, I will blow.  I am trying so hard to be positive and not let little things get me down.  I have very little patience right now for life's bullsh*t. 

So here is my long tale of woe, or rant which ever seems fit.  Feel free to skip blog at this point.

On February 16th I rec'd corrected death certificates on Joel.

I called State of Idaho to inform them that I had certificate and by that time I had already received payments for January and February.  Those payments were immediately debited from my checking account on February 17th. I told the girl I talked to that I was not sure I had that much money as I used this money to pay bills.  Her response was one of shock.  "Oh, really?" Like every state retiree has thousands of dollars just sitting in their checking account unused.  I wanted to ask her which state she worked for as Joel never made over $40,000 a year after 28 years.  Idaho pays their employees nothing.  

So, this same shocked individual was to send forms out for me to fill out.  It is now the 28 and no forms so I call and find out that forms were mailed on the 22.  But are still not here.  Girl, I talked to couldn't mail them out? No that had to be done down the line.  But again, are still not here.  So young man today said he would email them to me, and he did.  But he failed to email one of the important forms.  

Forms are so complex I cannot figure them out, if they are not absolutely correct it will delay process.  I must send copies of my SSI card (I don't have one) a copy of my driver's license, and special form filled out that I did not receive.  All must be there and processed by March 15 or I will not receive any benefits April 1st.  This process delays month by month.  Oh, and don't send bad photocopies or faxes as then they will not process. SO how do you know if they get a bad copy?  Do they call you?  No that would be someone else's job. Drippy on the 16th couldn't even mail out forms. Why would anyone care?  One hand does not tell another what to do so you are just in limbo.

Now if that isn't enough to send me overboard, SSI has still not sent any widow's benefits (even though I have been approved. 

I have been walking on a torn-up kitchen floor for weeks and the floor men are due in today, they come, and they cannot move the fridge.  I have to call an appliance dealer to come and take it apart and move it and that is $150.00 in cash.  Floor men will return tomorrow.... I used the last of my cash in shop.

My kitchen sink needs new holes drilled in granite; they are also coming tomorrow on top of floor people!  It has taken 6 weeks to get them out here and I do not want to reschedule.  Also $200.00 in cash for house call, to drill 2 small holes.  Then get the sink put in?  

Insurance agent for new Medicare plan calls and wants to take 2 months up front out for Medicare gap. Sure, that is only a little over $500.00 dollars, why not?  Just keep taking money out of an account that has no money going into it....

I spent all day talking to different people at St. of Idaho retirement, everyone told me something different and no one sent all the forms I needed.  Finally, I lost it, and they had a supervisor call me. We spent over 3 hours on the phone and emailing, taking pictures, sending correct forms all of them before my process was done.  Now I am not stupid person. This is complex and without people knowing all the info it is impossible.  Guess what State of Idaho? Your people don't know what they are doing.  Even the supervisor walking me through which by the way is not her real job, was confused and shocked by the process. Changes need to be made folks that's all I am saying.

Thanks goodness I have laid in a food supply so I can eat. I really wanted to get some sewing done today and I am exhausted.

Pray for me.

Kim

Monday, I got Medicare gap coverage!

 Well, this is one worry out of the way.  I also stayed in the budget I had set.  Many of my drugs are tiers 5 and 4 so not paid for in full, but enough is paid that I think the drug company will forgive the rest. Or I hope.

Got the first of the policy changes in the mail, so now only two more to go. I think?

Filled the car with gas, which is now $3.46 a gallon here.  I am trying to use cash for everything, as Joel's death has caused CC debt and they have taken so much out of my checking account and have not returned the money.  So, I am trying to just get by. I am really fine, just using cash keeps me from overspending. 

The kids will be home tomorrow from Hawaii, and I really miss them.  Kelsa has been a joy (except for the potty training).  But I do get more done in the shop when she is not here.

Lil sis is here, caulking and painting the trim around the new floors.  So grateful for her.  You do not want me to have a paint brush in my hand.  It is not a good thing ever.

Had another wedding dress come in this morning and also had one I sent back home as her wedding was in 2024.  I will not store a dress and she wanted to lose some weight.  Yeah, come back next year at this time.  Some brides just want to get way ahead of themselves.

I can't believe February will be over tomorrow. It went by so fast, and it went by so slow.  But March always brings spring so that makes me very happy.

My little seedlings are doing great. When these have two sets of double leaves they are ready to transplant into pony packs.

I have 4 more kinds of plants to get started before the end of the week.  I want to do Lobelia, deadnettle, bacopa, and Asparagus fern. Then I will start my herbs and my few garden plants in a couple of weeks. What I am worried about is where I will put all the plant trays in this small house.  It will be a while before I can put them in the portable green house. At least a full month.  We can always get low temps in April.

Kelsa is napping so I had better get sewing. 

Trying to stay afloat one day at a time.

Kim 

Sunday, Baby Goats!

 B, Aunty and I all put on our overalls, and went over to a friend's house, because one of her goats had triplets. We took the kids. They had a ball.  There were chickens and horses, dogs, barn cats and lots of goats. 

These little goats were only 24 hours old. They were so cute.  You could pick them up and cuddle them.  The mom was so patient with the kids it surprised me.

I wear a size 6.5 shoe and Kelsa is just 20 lbs, so this shows you how tiny these baby goats were. The kids had so much fun and did not want to leave.  But we took them to  McD's play place after and they played and played. Then we went home for a nap which was not long enough for grandma.

Toilet training is a disaster, but I will keep trying.

Lil sis watched Kelsa Saturday night and Aunty and I went to Noises Off at our local theater.  It was hysterical.

Yesterday marked 2 months since Joel passed and I swear each damn day gets harder.

I did finally get one package on a 401K to complete so I am going to do that right after this post.  I have a busy day tomorrow.  Have to meet with Medicare counselor, I have another bride coming in, and I am tutoring a little girl in math for a friend.  Plus, Kelsa's toilet training, and sewing and.... 

Made a batch of German sausage soup last night and we will eat the leftovers today along with chicken salad sandwiches. The kids fly home tomorrow but will not make it here until Tuesday as their plane comes in late Monday and they will stay in Spokane and drive home Tuesday.

Well, I am off to complete some paperwork. Wish me luck.

Kim

Friday, Still training....

 

This potty training is not for the faint hearted.  We went through 8 pairs of pants yesterday and then I gave up.  Today it is only 10:30 and we are on pair 4. But look I am still smiling. 

It is Friday and the week is almost over.  I have survived another 5 days. Every day is a survival for me right now.  Not liking it one bit I tell you.

I did not get done much of the sewing I had laid out for yesterday, so I am hoping to do it today. Braunwyn is coming down tonight with Oliver to spend the night and the day tomorrow and that will be a distraction. 

My life should be called distraction. Either I am trying to distract myself from my mind, or I am distracted from what I should be doing.

Hey, I am still upright, and I get dressed and brush my teeth and try to do a few things and that is all I am expecting right now.  Well, that and eating chocolate.

I am kind of in the mood to make some cookies or a cake or something.  Maybe I will. 

I called all those companies last week that are supposed to send me paperwork and then I would not go to the mailbox all week (I did not want the paperwork), as I would have to fill it out and send a death certificate and then that would make Joel more dead than he already is.  Or so my mind told me.  I finally went to the mailbox yesterday and nothing.  All that avoidance and angst and nothing!!!!!

You know when you are grieving all your worst qualities come forward and taunt you. But maybe it is just a little depression. I guess I have the right. I am tired of myself.

Trying to stay afloat one day at a time.

Kim

Thursday, Potty training

 Well, Kelsa arrived last night and this morning we started potty training.  So far, she is training me. We have had 4 accidents, or on purposes, I can't figure out which.  I have had one successful attempt.

We ran to Wal mart for more training pants as we only had 6 pairs, also more socks as I ran out.  Here she is on her 3rd episode of wet shaking her finger at me and telling me she is not wet. The wash machine is going strong. 

Okay 5 accidents.....  This is slow going I tell you.

Do you see the ottoman by Kelsa?  I just recovered that as we old folks need something to put our feet up on. I need one and Aunty needs one. 

I am slowly getting things done in the shop.  Not nearly as gang busters as usual, but a small amount every day.  I guess I have to be happy with that for a while.  I am really expecting way too much of myself. I just want to jump right back into my old Kim, and I am beginning to realize she may never come back.  If she does, she will be different, and I have to come to accept that.

Lil sis came by this morning and helped me do a little organizing in the shop.  She is keeping tabs on me and reporting to Sissie.  It is so good to have these sisters that watch out for me.  I am blessed.

Went and paid my virus protection today for the year.  I also went to the insurance agent for my new Medicare plan.  It doesn't look good for drug coverage, but I have another appt. on Monday to square things up. Just what I need more paperwork, because I don't have enough....

Today is hemming.  I have 8 pairs of jeans to hem and a couple of mending jobs and two large tablecloths to hem.  So easy day actually. But tomorrow even though it is Friday I do have to get two wedding dresses done and called. I have started on one and just have a little left to finish.

I am not doing a Thrifty Thursday post this year, as my income is not stable with all the changes. But I will report that I have $220.00 in my 5-dollar bill savings.

Aunty and I are eating well, on what we have in the house. Trying not to spend any extra money right now until finances stabilize. These people sure like to take money out of my account but don't want to let me know when I will be getting any back.

Well, no one is going to do this work except me.  So, I had better get busy.  I wish I had more exciting things to write about, but I don't. Just chasing a 1/2 naked child around...

Trying to stay afloat one day at a time.

Kim

Wednesday, Kelsa comes today!

 I am pretty sure this picture was taken a year ago, but I am so happy I get my granddaughter for almost a week. She keeps me so busy I can't think of anything else.  I really have to stay on my toes to get things done.

I sewed mostly hand sewing almost all day yesterday. I am hoping to get at least 3 piles out of here by today.  I have 2 wedding dresses slated for tomorrow.

It is food pantry day today, so I am taking my neighbor up this afternoon. We also go a skiff of snow last night and it is very cold and windy out.  And this might just be our winter.  I hope it is, as we rarely get a lot of snow here.  Once in a while we will get a deluge and it sticks for a while, but not very often.

Kelsa's parents are having fun in Hawaii, and Poor eldest just had a school shooting threat in her town.  But it was a false alarm, it just made her phone blow up.   I just can't believe people. On one end of the world, I have a child in paradise and at the other end I have one in crisis.  Fun being a mom.

Thanks for all the well wished on my post they sure do make me feel better. Grief makes you feel alone, even in a room full of people.  It is a weird place to be mentally. 

Well, I had better get to work.  No one is going to do it for me.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Tuesday, I slept well, I had a good day!

 Look at my little babies!  I have Merigolds, and geraniums. So excited.  I will seed lamium, alyssum, and wave petunias later this month.  Also got seeds for asparagus fern. 

I actually went to sleep last night and stayed asleep.  I woke at 7:15 and then rolled over and went back to sleep and woke at 10:15. So shocked. The shop opens at 10 and here I was in pj's and hair up on my head with curlers.  But I did not care I would have hugged the first person through the door.  I slept!  The first good sleep since Joel's death.

I also had a great day yesterday.  I was productive.  I did a lot of sewing and got things done around here. I was so proud of myself.  Not that this will happen every day and night, but it is so good to finally feel like I might be okay even if it is just for a moment.

Aunty started a new baby shark quilt for Kelsa.  Speaking of Kelsa, she will be here tomorrow and will stay with us until next Tuesday as her parents are in Hawaii. That will keep me busy.  I really can't wait.  She is a comfort.

Sissie bought me this new quilting ironing board and this new iron while she was here.  It is so lovely.  Very wide and sturdy.  I can't believe I did without this for so long. I set Aunty up out in my dining room as it is too hard to have both of us going in the shop.

I did a lot of ripping and prep work for today, so I have several piles ready to tackle.

I am reading blogs but still having problems commenting and I am sorry.  My brain just does not process what to say yet.  Although know I am reading you.  It will come back.

I did see SAMS blog, and I cried and cried.  I cried for her, for me, for Hilogene. I just wish I could hold them and weep until it was all gone.  But I can't right now.  I have had a card for SAM that I can't even face.  I start and then I melt down, it is all so painful. I am proud of the fact that she could even write after a month as this is so hard.

I think it such a blessing that we have each other.  I know Cheryl (Cheryls frugal corner) has been such a huge blessing in my life before Joel passed.  I am so eternally grateful to her good sense, and for her having to experience this before me.  She has shown me the way and is so helpful. Then Hilogene having the same experience, a soul sister, someone that you don't really know as she does not blog, but she has commented for years.  Such a great connection.

Then my dear, sweet SAM.  None of us deserve this.  It is crap I tell you, just crap. It is not fair. But we can be here for each other, and I do believe that God has a plan in all of this.  Not that I like the plan. We can support one another.  Just like Cheryl was a support to me in the years before Joel's death.  Teaching me patience and kindness when I was so frustrated with Joel.  We can get through this together.  I think.....   It is very hard, and we have no choices.  We can't bargain, we can only accept, and I don't want to do that right now.  

Thank you all for your support at this time.  It means the world to me and to SAM and to Hilogene.  Even if we can't write or comment.  There is such strength in connections.  It is that strength that we all need right now to get us through this.

I am going to try and go sew some.  I hope I can have another good day.  A productive day.  But if I can't or don't I know you will be there for me.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Thursday, Starting my plants

 The plug trays I ordered came in and I am excited to start my geraniums from seed. I love geraniums, they are my favorite planter flower.  But last year I was so disgusted by the flowers that were for sale. You could not get a pony pack of anything.  Everything was in deep 4 inch pots and spindly little plants, with enough dirt for 8 plants. You essentially were paying for dirt and the prices were atrocious.  So I had decided last year I was going to try and start many of my flowerpot plants this year.

I have had great success with my vegetables and herbs, so now let's try flowers.  This will save me several hundred dollars a year. I also have decided not to grow a really huge garden.  I can't eat all of it and it is so much work.  Much of that work was done by Joel.  I will be putting the larger part of the garden to flowers. So one of my goals for the day is to get a small table out of storage and put it in front of the window and start these plants. 

I switched out the Valetine for the St. Patty's Day.  Anything to try and feel normal.  Auntie was amused by this.  But it makes the grandkids happy. 

I am really tired and sleepy.  I know part of it is that I stay up late but I cannot sleep in like I used to.  I wake up early and my first thought goes to Joel and then I cannot go back to sleep.  Also, depression makes me tired. Trying so hard to skip over this phase. 

I just force myself to move forward.  Just get something done, anything no matter how small or trivial.

The longer it is the more I miss him. I don't like this. 

But I am going to get something done.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Wednesday, trying to sew...

 I have no idea what she was thinking when this picture was taken, but it was probably about making a mess somewhere. She is such a blessing to me, constant entertainment.

I ran to the bank with a death certificate to get Joel's name off his mom's checking account as he was her executor. Not only do I have my paperwork, but I also have hers.  I was able to get eldest daughter on one account, yesterday, but this is a process.

I have to go and feed the neighbors animals every day and the ducks and chickens needed new water and the hose was frozen.  I left it on and came back a few minutes later to find it shooting in the air.  I actually think the ducks enjoyed it. But what a mess.  I put on muck boots to feed the ducks and chickens as I had made a mess of the pens. You just can't hire good help these days, and I am free...

So today I am really going to try and sew.  For some reason I am having a hard time staying motivated. I don't feel like it is grief that is making me spacey, I think it is pure laziness.  Now how do you cure that?

Things to get done today:

1. get Joel's certificate to bank

2. mail check to garage door people

3. call flooring place

4. finish military coat

5. replace zippers in two coats

6. hem a bridesmaid dress

7. get mending done on 3 shirts and bind cuffs on 4 shirts

8. go get a zipper from Jo anns

9. hem two table clothes

I think if I can get these things done, I will feel better about my situation. I think.

This is just so hard, I feel so useless, and scattered. I know I am not, but I can't shake this feeling of undoing in my brain. Every day it gets a little harder and I expect it to get easier.  Keeping myself busy does help.  So, I guess that is what I should do.

I hate this.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Tuesday, Happy Valentines Day!

 The new wing back chairs came in for Valentines Day.  They look really good with the sofa, but they looked more rust to me that burgundy/red also I think the room looks very dark now.  Although I love the chairs and the quality. 

Maybe I will have to switch the rug out to something lighter.  We will see. Still waiting on the kitchen flooring to call with a day that will be done.

Can't wait until all the mess is over.

Started the paperwork for Joel's investment accounts and it looks like I can just leave the money there and roll it to my name.  The problem one is his State retirement.  They have to take back January and February money and then give it back in my name.  Like I just have $3,800.00 dollars laying around in my checking account.  But it will all work out in the end.  It is because of taxes. The money has to be in my name. 

Everyone has paperwork that is being mailed to me and I have to fill things out and send back a death certificate. 

Kim has spent money, like a drunk sailor. Her income has been cut by $1000.00 a month and she has not been working or sewing like she should in order to bring in money. I have hospital bills from Joel in the thousands, but hopefully those will be paid, without much left.  We had no life insurance, as Joel had aged out of his plan and because of his tremors and health no one would cover him.  But I don't tell you these things because I am worried.  I am fine.  Things will all work out. I have enough to live on.  I have the skills to keep working, I just have to do it. :)  That my friends is the hard part.

I think the chairs look great with the sofa. I also love the blue bath towel on the arm of the sofa, so classy.

I am trying so hard to get on a schedule and I am failing, but I will try again tomorrow.

When I was at the dentist yesterday, he asked if I had any plans for the summer?  I wanted to shout, "SUMMER", I can hardly get through today."  But I didn't.

Slugs called yesterday and we had a nice chat.  I miss her.  She makes me laugh. 

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Monday. Sissie has gone

 Sissie left at noon on Saturday.  I had a really hard day Friday.  Lots of tears.  We took Aunty out for her birthday and came home for cake.

Sissie made it home about midnight.  I am sure her hubs was glad to see her.  She had been gone over 6 weeks. Auntie is still with me, and she is a comfort.

I spent yesterday making Valentine cookies. I bought a new rolling pin when I was in DC.  It will roll cookie dough absolutely flat at different heights.  So, these cookies rolled out perfectly. It was so nice and fast.  Love it!  Signe' needed 2 dozen for Williams class and I wanted to continue my tradition of taking cookies to a few shut ins. 

Also made two pans of shortbread.  William goes to a Catholic school and the Priest there is from Scotland.  We took him shortbread a few years ago and he requests it every year. 

Chocolate dipped shortbread is so good.  I try and only make it at Valentines Day.  SO much butter. So delicious.

I am trying to get back into the swing of things.  Sissie spoiled me so bad.  I did no cooking, no laundry, no real cleaning.  She just did everything, and she was sick the whole time she was here.  Some kind of rotten cold and cough.

I had a specialist appointment this morning and got paperwork to try and get my meds reduced once I go on Medicare.  I can find no drug policy that will pay more than 20% of my $6000.00 a month in meds.  So now we begin the great paper chase.

I have a dental appt. at noon today and then it is home to sew and get more paperwork done. My goal this week is to get all of the investment accounts into my name and fill out all paperwork for medical.  I also have to meet with a Medicare specialist. I will be glad when this is all done and then I must worry about taxes.... Ugh!

Well at least I cannot say I am bored.  Just very, very sad.

Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement it really does help.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Friday, For crying out loud!

 I know I have used this picture before, but it sums up my feelings today so well.  I went to bed last night and cried and cried.  Woke up at 5:30 about 3.5 hours later and cried. Went to Eye specialist.  My eye is much better, but as it is a rare condition, I must continue on steroid eye drops twice a day for another month and then report back.  My GP called and wants me on a statin for high cholesterol. It runs in my family.  This means I have to take 10 different drugs a day.  I can't remember them all or the times and it is just a huge pain in the butt, plus expensive.  Gripe, complain, whine.

Now I get to go to my RA specialist on Monday and I wonder what joyful news he will have.....  Really I am not even sick.  I don't look sick, I may act a bit sick, but when will this crap give?

I had to go feed the neighbors, dogs,cats,pig, ducks, chickens and turtle this morning.  Oh, I forgot the parrot who was angry they were gone and would not talk to me.  But tomorrow he will.  I have a ton of errands to run, and I have to make Auntie a birthday cake.  We are taking her out to dinner.

Writing a response to my poor SAM about did me in.  Just too close to home.

Love you guys, can't believe how you help me. Like having 25 mental health counselors at one time.

Trying to stay ahead of the damn grief but it keeps catching me. Dirty bugger that it is.

Kim

Thursday, Little things

 The morning Joel passed and the ambulance was on its way, I remember going through his clothes thinking, I have to have something for him to wear home.  It was a frantic fast time and even though he was responsive and could talk to the attendants, I decided to just leave things as Sissie could run those things to me later.  These were my thoughts.

To come back to the house within a few hours without him was surreal. We left the house at about 8:30. But the ambulance stayed and stayed out in front of Sissie's house as things went from bad to worse. Of course I had no clue, even when two more ambulances showed up and more men got out.  They lost Joel's pulse in front of the house and then they got it again.  I had no idea.

They lost it again when they had him in the ER.  We were met by a woman who put purple stickers on us that said screened.  I thought that was odd.  She told us to go sit in a certain area. One of the ambulance attendants came out and told me how sorry he was.  Then a handsome tall black minister came out to greet my sister and I.  Dan was parking the car.  He took us to a private room.  I remember reaching back to take Kay's hand as I knew then it was not good at all.  I remember saying to her, "If there was anyone else in the world I would want to be with right now it would be you."

We sat for a few minutes in a room and the minister asked us a few questions.  We found out he was a twin. What a wonderful soul to work Christmas day.  Within minutes a doctor came in, (I asked if he was Jewish because of his last name and who else would be working Christmas morning).  I told him I was very pragmatic and not to be shocked but I wanted to know exactly what my husbands chances were.  I told him I would want to do for Joel what he would do for his own father.  He said that Joel had a large blood clot in part of his heart and it had starved that muscle of oxygen to the point that it would not beat on its own.  If they could get is to beat on its own they would whisk him to surgery and remove it.  But there was too much damage.  I told him I wanted to see him and the doctor started running and I ran after him.

The machine keeping Joel's heart beating was loud and horrible. It was literally breaking his ribs.  He had never been without oxygen and they said he could likely hear me.  SO I got close to his ear and I hollered that I loved him and he was to go find Franka.  Go find our daughter.  I gave the doctor a sign and he turned off the machine.  It was dead silent.  Then the doctor whispered, "Time of death, 10:07."  That was it.  It was over.  They had kept him alive long enough for me to say goodby.

I remember leaving the hospital.  It was a beautiful, sunshiny Christmas morning.  Right as we got through the doors to the outside there was a shiny new penny right between my feet!  His last goodby. He knew how I loved to find pennies.

When I got back to Sissie's, I could not even look at Joel's things. I would not touch the pants he had worn, even though they were flung over his suitcase.  I left things like that until after Sluggy and Dan were taken to the airport. Kay and Dan took care of everything. I took important insurance cards and things out of his wallet and I kept his reading glasses.  That was it.  They took everything else to Good will.  But I keep his reading glasses buy his spot at home.  Just a little bit of him.

Isn't this dressing table pretty?  I just love the wood and it goes so well with my bedroom set. The mirror came out of Lil sis's boyfriend's house.  He said the mirror was too feminine. Perfect for me! Joel's forestry bookcase was here. He wanted me to have a makeup table, but he needed a place for all his books. By the way I still hate putting on makeup no matter how pretty the place is.... Ungrateful little wench that I am.

Had a check up today.  Back on an antibiotic for 10 days for sinus infection. As I have had drainage for over 6 weeks, yippee. Tomorrow I see the eye specialist again. Had blood work done, for thyroid at eye doctor's request. I feel fine and I have to take all this crap, got to love it!

Now today I am going to start sending out thank you cards.  I am going to try and do 10 a day until I am done.  But it is very emotional for me. This is so hard.  I know I keep saying that.

Bare with me, kind of in a rut right now.

Went and got a soda this morning at Micky D's and I had a 20 dollar bill and of course got back 3-5's.  I am so short of cash because I have not sewn for almost 2 months.  Now I know I am saving my 5's, but I really did not want 3 back as it cuts into my spending money. The only solution is to sew more. Drat!

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim