Tuesday, GRRRR!

 

I swear if one more thing goes wrong, I will blow.  I am trying so hard to be positive and not let little things get me down.  I have very little patience right now for life's bullsh*t. 

So here is my long tale of woe, or rant which ever seems fit.  Feel free to skip blog at this point.

On February 16th I rec'd corrected death certificates on Joel.

I called State of Idaho to inform them that I had certificate and by that time I had already received payments for January and February.  Those payments were immediately debited from my checking account on February 17th. I told the girl I talked to that I was not sure I had that much money as I used this money to pay bills.  Her response was one of shock.  "Oh, really?" Like every state retiree has thousands of dollars just sitting in their checking account unused.  I wanted to ask her which state she worked for as Joel never made over $40,000 a year after 28 years.  Idaho pays their employees nothing.  

So, this same shocked individual was to send forms out for me to fill out.  It is now the 28 and no forms so I call and find out that forms were mailed on the 22.  But are still not here.  Girl, I talked to couldn't mail them out? No that had to be done down the line.  But again, are still not here.  So young man today said he would email them to me, and he did.  But he failed to email one of the important forms.  

Forms are so complex I cannot figure them out, if they are not absolutely correct it will delay process.  I must send copies of my SSI card (I don't have one) a copy of my driver's license, and special form filled out that I did not receive.  All must be there and processed by March 15 or I will not receive any benefits April 1st.  This process delays month by month.  Oh, and don't send bad photocopies or faxes as then they will not process. SO how do you know if they get a bad copy?  Do they call you?  No that would be someone else's job. Drippy on the 16th couldn't even mail out forms. Why would anyone care?  One hand does not tell another what to do so you are just in limbo.

Now if that isn't enough to send me overboard, SSI has still not sent any widow's benefits (even though I have been approved. 

I have been walking on a torn-up kitchen floor for weeks and the floor men are due in today, they come, and they cannot move the fridge.  I have to call an appliance dealer to come and take it apart and move it and that is $150.00 in cash.  Floor men will return tomorrow.... I used the last of my cash in shop.

My kitchen sink needs new holes drilled in granite; they are also coming tomorrow on top of floor people!  It has taken 6 weeks to get them out here and I do not want to reschedule.  Also $200.00 in cash for house call, to drill 2 small holes.  Then get the sink put in?  

Insurance agent for new Medicare plan calls and wants to take 2 months up front out for Medicare gap. Sure, that is only a little over $500.00 dollars, why not?  Just keep taking money out of an account that has no money going into it....

I spent all day talking to different people at St. of Idaho retirement, everyone told me something different and no one sent all the forms I needed.  Finally, I lost it, and they had a supervisor call me. We spent over 3 hours on the phone and emailing, taking pictures, sending correct forms all of them before my process was done.  Now I am not stupid person. This is complex and without people knowing all the info it is impossible.  Guess what State of Idaho? Your people don't know what they are doing.  Even the supervisor walking me through which by the way is not her real job, was confused and shocked by the process. Changes need to be made folks that's all I am saying.

Thanks goodness I have laid in a food supply so I can eat. I really wanted to get some sewing done today and I am exhausted.

Pray for me.

Kim

Monday, I got Medicare gap coverage!

 Well, this is one worry out of the way.  I also stayed in the budget I had set.  Many of my drugs are tiers 5 and 4 so not paid for in full, but enough is paid that I think the drug company will forgive the rest. Or I hope.

Got the first of the policy changes in the mail, so now only two more to go. I think?

Filled the car with gas, which is now $3.46 a gallon here.  I am trying to use cash for everything, as Joel's death has caused CC debt and they have taken so much out of my checking account and have not returned the money.  So, I am trying to just get by. I am really fine, just using cash keeps me from overspending. 

The kids will be home tomorrow from Hawaii, and I really miss them.  Kelsa has been a joy (except for the potty training).  But I do get more done in the shop when she is not here.

Lil sis is here, caulking and painting the trim around the new floors.  So grateful for her.  You do not want me to have a paint brush in my hand.  It is not a good thing ever.

Had another wedding dress come in this morning and also had one I sent back home as her wedding was in 2024.  I will not store a dress and she wanted to lose some weight.  Yeah, come back next year at this time.  Some brides just want to get way ahead of themselves.

I can't believe February will be over tomorrow. It went by so fast, and it went by so slow.  But March always brings spring so that makes me very happy.

My little seedlings are doing great. When these have two sets of double leaves they are ready to transplant into pony packs.

I have 4 more kinds of plants to get started before the end of the week.  I want to do Lobelia, deadnettle, bacopa, and Asparagus fern. Then I will start my herbs and my few garden plants in a couple of weeks. What I am worried about is where I will put all the plant trays in this small house.  It will be a while before I can put them in the portable green house. At least a full month.  We can always get low temps in April.

Kelsa is napping so I had better get sewing. 

Trying to stay afloat one day at a time.

Kim 

Sunday, Baby Goats!

 B, Aunty and I all put on our overalls, and went over to a friend's house, because one of her goats had triplets. We took the kids. They had a ball.  There were chickens and horses, dogs, barn cats and lots of goats. 

These little goats were only 24 hours old. They were so cute.  You could pick them up and cuddle them.  The mom was so patient with the kids it surprised me.

I wear a size 6.5 shoe and Kelsa is just 20 lbs, so this shows you how tiny these baby goats were. The kids had so much fun and did not want to leave.  But we took them to  McD's play place after and they played and played. Then we went home for a nap which was not long enough for grandma.

Toilet training is a disaster, but I will keep trying.

Lil sis watched Kelsa Saturday night and Aunty and I went to Noises Off at our local theater.  It was hysterical.

Yesterday marked 2 months since Joel passed and I swear each damn day gets harder.

I did finally get one package on a 401K to complete so I am going to do that right after this post.  I have a busy day tomorrow.  Have to meet with Medicare counselor, I have another bride coming in, and I am tutoring a little girl in math for a friend.  Plus, Kelsa's toilet training, and sewing and.... 

Made a batch of German sausage soup last night and we will eat the leftovers today along with chicken salad sandwiches. The kids fly home tomorrow but will not make it here until Tuesday as their plane comes in late Monday and they will stay in Spokane and drive home Tuesday.

Well, I am off to complete some paperwork. Wish me luck.

Kim

Friday, Still training....

 

This potty training is not for the faint hearted.  We went through 8 pairs of pants yesterday and then I gave up.  Today it is only 10:30 and we are on pair 4. But look I am still smiling. 

It is Friday and the week is almost over.  I have survived another 5 days. Every day is a survival for me right now.  Not liking it one bit I tell you.

I did not get done much of the sewing I had laid out for yesterday, so I am hoping to do it today. Braunwyn is coming down tonight with Oliver to spend the night and the day tomorrow and that will be a distraction. 

My life should be called distraction. Either I am trying to distract myself from my mind, or I am distracted from what I should be doing.

Hey, I am still upright, and I get dressed and brush my teeth and try to do a few things and that is all I am expecting right now.  Well, that and eating chocolate.

I am kind of in the mood to make some cookies or a cake or something.  Maybe I will. 

I called all those companies last week that are supposed to send me paperwork and then I would not go to the mailbox all week (I did not want the paperwork), as I would have to fill it out and send a death certificate and then that would make Joel more dead than he already is.  Or so my mind told me.  I finally went to the mailbox yesterday and nothing.  All that avoidance and angst and nothing!!!!!

You know when you are grieving all your worst qualities come forward and taunt you. But maybe it is just a little depression. I guess I have the right. I am tired of myself.

Trying to stay afloat one day at a time.

Kim

Thursday, Potty training

 Well, Kelsa arrived last night and this morning we started potty training.  So far, she is training me. We have had 4 accidents, or on purposes, I can't figure out which.  I have had one successful attempt.

We ran to Wal mart for more training pants as we only had 6 pairs, also more socks as I ran out.  Here she is on her 3rd episode of wet shaking her finger at me and telling me she is not wet. The wash machine is going strong. 

Okay 5 accidents.....  This is slow going I tell you.

Do you see the ottoman by Kelsa?  I just recovered that as we old folks need something to put our feet up on. I need one and Aunty needs one. 

I am slowly getting things done in the shop.  Not nearly as gang busters as usual, but a small amount every day.  I guess I have to be happy with that for a while.  I am really expecting way too much of myself. I just want to jump right back into my old Kim, and I am beginning to realize she may never come back.  If she does, she will be different, and I have to come to accept that.

Lil sis came by this morning and helped me do a little organizing in the shop.  She is keeping tabs on me and reporting to Sissie.  It is so good to have these sisters that watch out for me.  I am blessed.

Went and paid my virus protection today for the year.  I also went to the insurance agent for my new Medicare plan.  It doesn't look good for drug coverage, but I have another appt. on Monday to square things up. Just what I need more paperwork, because I don't have enough....

Today is hemming.  I have 8 pairs of jeans to hem and a couple of mending jobs and two large tablecloths to hem.  So easy day actually. But tomorrow even though it is Friday I do have to get two wedding dresses done and called. I have started on one and just have a little left to finish.

I am not doing a Thrifty Thursday post this year, as my income is not stable with all the changes. But I will report that I have $220.00 in my 5-dollar bill savings.

Aunty and I are eating well, on what we have in the house. Trying not to spend any extra money right now until finances stabilize. These people sure like to take money out of my account but don't want to let me know when I will be getting any back.

Well, no one is going to do this work except me.  So, I had better get busy.  I wish I had more exciting things to write about, but I don't. Just chasing a 1/2 naked child around...

Trying to stay afloat one day at a time.

Kim

Wednesday, Kelsa comes today!

 I am pretty sure this picture was taken a year ago, but I am so happy I get my granddaughter for almost a week. She keeps me so busy I can't think of anything else.  I really have to stay on my toes to get things done.

I sewed mostly hand sewing almost all day yesterday. I am hoping to get at least 3 piles out of here by today.  I have 2 wedding dresses slated for tomorrow.

It is food pantry day today, so I am taking my neighbor up this afternoon. We also go a skiff of snow last night and it is very cold and windy out.  And this might just be our winter.  I hope it is, as we rarely get a lot of snow here.  Once in a while we will get a deluge and it sticks for a while, but not very often.

Kelsa's parents are having fun in Hawaii, and Poor eldest just had a school shooting threat in her town.  But it was a false alarm, it just made her phone blow up.   I just can't believe people. On one end of the world, I have a child in paradise and at the other end I have one in crisis.  Fun being a mom.

Thanks for all the well wished on my post they sure do make me feel better. Grief makes you feel alone, even in a room full of people.  It is a weird place to be mentally. 

Well, I had better get to work.  No one is going to do it for me.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Tuesday, I slept well, I had a good day!

 Look at my little babies!  I have Merigolds, and geraniums. So excited.  I will seed lamium, alyssum, and wave petunias later this month.  Also got seeds for asparagus fern. 

I actually went to sleep last night and stayed asleep.  I woke at 7:15 and then rolled over and went back to sleep and woke at 10:15. So shocked. The shop opens at 10 and here I was in pj's and hair up on my head with curlers.  But I did not care I would have hugged the first person through the door.  I slept!  The first good sleep since Joel's death.

I also had a great day yesterday.  I was productive.  I did a lot of sewing and got things done around here. I was so proud of myself.  Not that this will happen every day and night, but it is so good to finally feel like I might be okay even if it is just for a moment.

Aunty started a new baby shark quilt for Kelsa.  Speaking of Kelsa, she will be here tomorrow and will stay with us until next Tuesday as her parents are in Hawaii. That will keep me busy.  I really can't wait.  She is a comfort.

Sissie bought me this new quilting ironing board and this new iron while she was here.  It is so lovely.  Very wide and sturdy.  I can't believe I did without this for so long. I set Aunty up out in my dining room as it is too hard to have both of us going in the shop.

I did a lot of ripping and prep work for today, so I have several piles ready to tackle.

I am reading blogs but still having problems commenting and I am sorry.  My brain just does not process what to say yet.  Although know I am reading you.  It will come back.

I did see SAMS blog, and I cried and cried.  I cried for her, for me, for Hilogene. I just wish I could hold them and weep until it was all gone.  But I can't right now.  I have had a card for SAM that I can't even face.  I start and then I melt down, it is all so painful. I am proud of the fact that she could even write after a month as this is so hard.

I think it such a blessing that we have each other.  I know Cheryl (Cheryls frugal corner) has been such a huge blessing in my life before Joel passed.  I am so eternally grateful to her good sense, and for her having to experience this before me.  She has shown me the way and is so helpful. Then Hilogene having the same experience, a soul sister, someone that you don't really know as she does not blog, but she has commented for years.  Such a great connection.

Then my dear, sweet SAM.  None of us deserve this.  It is crap I tell you, just crap. It is not fair. But we can be here for each other, and I do believe that God has a plan in all of this.  Not that I like the plan. We can support one another.  Just like Cheryl was a support to me in the years before Joel's death.  Teaching me patience and kindness when I was so frustrated with Joel.  We can get through this together.  I think.....   It is very hard, and we have no choices.  We can't bargain, we can only accept, and I don't want to do that right now.  

Thank you all for your support at this time.  It means the world to me and to SAM and to Hilogene.  Even if we can't write or comment.  There is such strength in connections.  It is that strength that we all need right now to get us through this.

I am going to try and go sew some.  I hope I can have another good day.  A productive day.  But if I can't or don't I know you will be there for me.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Thursday, Starting my plants

 The plug trays I ordered came in and I am excited to start my geraniums from seed. I love geraniums, they are my favorite planter flower.  But last year I was so disgusted by the flowers that were for sale. You could not get a pony pack of anything.  Everything was in deep 4 inch pots and spindly little plants, with enough dirt for 8 plants. You essentially were paying for dirt and the prices were atrocious.  So I had decided last year I was going to try and start many of my flowerpot plants this year.

I have had great success with my vegetables and herbs, so now let's try flowers.  This will save me several hundred dollars a year. I also have decided not to grow a really huge garden.  I can't eat all of it and it is so much work.  Much of that work was done by Joel.  I will be putting the larger part of the garden to flowers. So one of my goals for the day is to get a small table out of storage and put it in front of the window and start these plants. 

I switched out the Valetine for the St. Patty's Day.  Anything to try and feel normal.  Auntie was amused by this.  But it makes the grandkids happy. 

I am really tired and sleepy.  I know part of it is that I stay up late but I cannot sleep in like I used to.  I wake up early and my first thought goes to Joel and then I cannot go back to sleep.  Also, depression makes me tired. Trying so hard to skip over this phase. 

I just force myself to move forward.  Just get something done, anything no matter how small or trivial.

The longer it is the more I miss him. I don't like this. 

But I am going to get something done.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Wednesday, trying to sew...

 I have no idea what she was thinking when this picture was taken, but it was probably about making a mess somewhere. She is such a blessing to me, constant entertainment.

I ran to the bank with a death certificate to get Joel's name off his mom's checking account as he was her executor. Not only do I have my paperwork, but I also have hers.  I was able to get eldest daughter on one account, yesterday, but this is a process.

I have to go and feed the neighbors animals every day and the ducks and chickens needed new water and the hose was frozen.  I left it on and came back a few minutes later to find it shooting in the air.  I actually think the ducks enjoyed it. But what a mess.  I put on muck boots to feed the ducks and chickens as I had made a mess of the pens. You just can't hire good help these days, and I am free...

So today I am really going to try and sew.  For some reason I am having a hard time staying motivated. I don't feel like it is grief that is making me spacey, I think it is pure laziness.  Now how do you cure that?

Things to get done today:

1. get Joel's certificate to bank

2. mail check to garage door people

3. call flooring place

4. finish military coat

5. replace zippers in two coats

6. hem a bridesmaid dress

7. get mending done on 3 shirts and bind cuffs on 4 shirts

8. go get a zipper from Jo anns

9. hem two table clothes

I think if I can get these things done, I will feel better about my situation. I think.

This is just so hard, I feel so useless, and scattered. I know I am not, but I can't shake this feeling of undoing in my brain. Every day it gets a little harder and I expect it to get easier.  Keeping myself busy does help.  So, I guess that is what I should do.

I hate this.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Tuesday, Happy Valentines Day!

 The new wing back chairs came in for Valentines Day.  They look really good with the sofa, but they looked more rust to me that burgundy/red also I think the room looks very dark now.  Although I love the chairs and the quality. 

Maybe I will have to switch the rug out to something lighter.  We will see. Still waiting on the kitchen flooring to call with a day that will be done.

Can't wait until all the mess is over.

Started the paperwork for Joel's investment accounts and it looks like I can just leave the money there and roll it to my name.  The problem one is his State retirement.  They have to take back January and February money and then give it back in my name.  Like I just have $3,800.00 dollars laying around in my checking account.  But it will all work out in the end.  It is because of taxes. The money has to be in my name. 

Everyone has paperwork that is being mailed to me and I have to fill things out and send back a death certificate. 

Kim has spent money, like a drunk sailor. Her income has been cut by $1000.00 a month and she has not been working or sewing like she should in order to bring in money. I have hospital bills from Joel in the thousands, but hopefully those will be paid, without much left.  We had no life insurance, as Joel had aged out of his plan and because of his tremors and health no one would cover him.  But I don't tell you these things because I am worried.  I am fine.  Things will all work out. I have enough to live on.  I have the skills to keep working, I just have to do it. :)  That my friends is the hard part.

I think the chairs look great with the sofa. I also love the blue bath towel on the arm of the sofa, so classy.

I am trying so hard to get on a schedule and I am failing, but I will try again tomorrow.

When I was at the dentist yesterday, he asked if I had any plans for the summer?  I wanted to shout, "SUMMER", I can hardly get through today."  But I didn't.

Slugs called yesterday and we had a nice chat.  I miss her.  She makes me laugh. 

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Monday. Sissie has gone

 Sissie left at noon on Saturday.  I had a really hard day Friday.  Lots of tears.  We took Aunty out for her birthday and came home for cake.

Sissie made it home about midnight.  I am sure her hubs was glad to see her.  She had been gone over 6 weeks. Auntie is still with me, and she is a comfort.

I spent yesterday making Valentine cookies. I bought a new rolling pin when I was in DC.  It will roll cookie dough absolutely flat at different heights.  So, these cookies rolled out perfectly. It was so nice and fast.  Love it!  Signe' needed 2 dozen for Williams class and I wanted to continue my tradition of taking cookies to a few shut ins. 

Also made two pans of shortbread.  William goes to a Catholic school and the Priest there is from Scotland.  We took him shortbread a few years ago and he requests it every year. 

Chocolate dipped shortbread is so good.  I try and only make it at Valentines Day.  SO much butter. So delicious.

I am trying to get back into the swing of things.  Sissie spoiled me so bad.  I did no cooking, no laundry, no real cleaning.  She just did everything, and she was sick the whole time she was here.  Some kind of rotten cold and cough.

I had a specialist appointment this morning and got paperwork to try and get my meds reduced once I go on Medicare.  I can find no drug policy that will pay more than 20% of my $6000.00 a month in meds.  So now we begin the great paper chase.

I have a dental appt. at noon today and then it is home to sew and get more paperwork done. My goal this week is to get all of the investment accounts into my name and fill out all paperwork for medical.  I also have to meet with a Medicare specialist. I will be glad when this is all done and then I must worry about taxes.... Ugh!

Well at least I cannot say I am bored.  Just very, very sad.

Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement it really does help.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Friday, For crying out loud!

 I know I have used this picture before, but it sums up my feelings today so well.  I went to bed last night and cried and cried.  Woke up at 5:30 about 3.5 hours later and cried. Went to Eye specialist.  My eye is much better, but as it is a rare condition, I must continue on steroid eye drops twice a day for another month and then report back.  My GP called and wants me on a statin for high cholesterol. It runs in my family.  This means I have to take 10 different drugs a day.  I can't remember them all or the times and it is just a huge pain in the butt, plus expensive.  Gripe, complain, whine.

Now I get to go to my RA specialist on Monday and I wonder what joyful news he will have.....  Really I am not even sick.  I don't look sick, I may act a bit sick, but when will this crap give?

I had to go feed the neighbors, dogs,cats,pig, ducks, chickens and turtle this morning.  Oh, I forgot the parrot who was angry they were gone and would not talk to me.  But tomorrow he will.  I have a ton of errands to run, and I have to make Auntie a birthday cake.  We are taking her out to dinner.

Writing a response to my poor SAM about did me in.  Just too close to home.

Love you guys, can't believe how you help me. Like having 25 mental health counselors at one time.

Trying to stay ahead of the damn grief but it keeps catching me. Dirty bugger that it is.

Kim

Thursday, Little things

 The morning Joel passed and the ambulance was on its way, I remember going through his clothes thinking, I have to have something for him to wear home.  It was a frantic fast time and even though he was responsive and could talk to the attendants, I decided to just leave things as Sissie could run those things to me later.  These were my thoughts.

To come back to the house within a few hours without him was surreal. We left the house at about 8:30. But the ambulance stayed and stayed out in front of Sissie's house as things went from bad to worse. Of course I had no clue, even when two more ambulances showed up and more men got out.  They lost Joel's pulse in front of the house and then they got it again.  I had no idea.

They lost it again when they had him in the ER.  We were met by a woman who put purple stickers on us that said screened.  I thought that was odd.  She told us to go sit in a certain area. One of the ambulance attendants came out and told me how sorry he was.  Then a handsome tall black minister came out to greet my sister and I.  Dan was parking the car.  He took us to a private room.  I remember reaching back to take Kay's hand as I knew then it was not good at all.  I remember saying to her, "If there was anyone else in the world I would want to be with right now it would be you."

We sat for a few minutes in a room and the minister asked us a few questions.  We found out he was a twin. What a wonderful soul to work Christmas day.  Within minutes a doctor came in, (I asked if he was Jewish because of his last name and who else would be working Christmas morning).  I told him I was very pragmatic and not to be shocked but I wanted to know exactly what my husbands chances were.  I told him I would want to do for Joel what he would do for his own father.  He said that Joel had a large blood clot in part of his heart and it had starved that muscle of oxygen to the point that it would not beat on its own.  If they could get is to beat on its own they would whisk him to surgery and remove it.  But there was too much damage.  I told him I wanted to see him and the doctor started running and I ran after him.

The machine keeping Joel's heart beating was loud and horrible. It was literally breaking his ribs.  He had never been without oxygen and they said he could likely hear me.  SO I got close to his ear and I hollered that I loved him and he was to go find Franka.  Go find our daughter.  I gave the doctor a sign and he turned off the machine.  It was dead silent.  Then the doctor whispered, "Time of death, 10:07."  That was it.  It was over.  They had kept him alive long enough for me to say goodby.

I remember leaving the hospital.  It was a beautiful, sunshiny Christmas morning.  Right as we got through the doors to the outside there was a shiny new penny right between my feet!  His last goodby. He knew how I loved to find pennies.

When I got back to Sissie's, I could not even look at Joel's things. I would not touch the pants he had worn, even though they were flung over his suitcase.  I left things like that until after Sluggy and Dan were taken to the airport. Kay and Dan took care of everything. I took important insurance cards and things out of his wallet and I kept his reading glasses.  That was it.  They took everything else to Good will.  But I keep his reading glasses buy his spot at home.  Just a little bit of him.

Isn't this dressing table pretty?  I just love the wood and it goes so well with my bedroom set. The mirror came out of Lil sis's boyfriend's house.  He said the mirror was too feminine. Perfect for me! Joel's forestry bookcase was here. He wanted me to have a makeup table, but he needed a place for all his books. By the way I still hate putting on makeup no matter how pretty the place is.... Ungrateful little wench that I am.

Had a check up today.  Back on an antibiotic for 10 days for sinus infection. As I have had drainage for over 6 weeks, yippee. Tomorrow I see the eye specialist again. Had blood work done, for thyroid at eye doctor's request. I feel fine and I have to take all this crap, got to love it!

Now today I am going to start sending out thank you cards.  I am going to try and do 10 a day until I am done.  But it is very emotional for me. This is so hard.  I know I keep saying that.

Bare with me, kind of in a rut right now.

Went and got a soda this morning at Micky D's and I had a 20 dollar bill and of course got back 3-5's.  I am so short of cash because I have not sewn for almost 2 months.  Now I know I am saving my 5's, but I really did not want 3 back as it cuts into my spending money. The only solution is to sew more. Drat!

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim

Wednesday, Auntie QUILTS!

 Auntie and I went through my quilting box and found the pieces to this already cut out. When I am not sewing, she is sewing.  It is like a round robin here. Isn't this pretty?  I can't wait to see it done.

I have a wedding dress to do a small alteration on today, and then I have to iron it.  I was pleased that I was able to get through my list yesterday.  It seemed so daunting. But I did it.

I got up this morning and made 8 pie crusts as Sissie is making chicken pies for the freezer and for other people. She has her ingredients all done and ready to put into pie shells. Slave driver she is.

We went to lunch today with an old director friend of mine.  The Civic theater called and asked if I would do the costumes for "Grease."  I declined.  I am not up for that abuse at the moment. But it was nice to be asked.

   I saw the board of directors at Joel's funeral.  I thought where are they going to get someone who can pay, the viola, the violin, the cello and direct at the drop of the hat?  Also, he rewrote the orchestrations for the last musical for many of the instruments as they came in poorly written. He said they were way to complicated and could be played much better if he rewrote them.

I don't know if I already told you, but they also asked me to take Joel's job at the school district. I also said no.  First of all, the pay was not good, so they said name your price.  Still don't want it.  I can make much more sewing and I don't want to be at someone's beck and call. Boy I am getting grouchy, or maybe just smarter.... ?

I need to sit down and pay bills and so many of them are doctor bills and I just don't want to face them.  But it has to be done. I can do this. I think.

The house is slowly coming together, and I am just waiting for the flooring for the kitchen to come in and then the kitchen sink will be replaced.  The man who is doing it, already has the sink, it is just a matter of him finding time to install it. I feel like I have a brand-new house and I practically do.  I have been blessed.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one!

Kim

Tuesday, Day 2 of Kim trying to be normal!

 So Sissie has been reorganizing me and here is my new food storage wall.  She has also gone through the freezers.  She did chuck some stuff, but most was given away. She also had me use a large ham this last weekend for when the kids came for dinner.

She has bean soup on the stove, and she is making small containers of scalloped potatoes for the freezer. I still have a good size prime rib in the freezer that I must use and a Turkey.  But I am not allowed to buy any food.  Only fresh things. It is crazy but I think I have enough food here for a good two years. 

Dried beans, potatoes, and dried milk which I use in baking and cooking.  Will I ever really cook again?  Well, I guess I did make a large ham dinner for 12 people last Sunday. That included, mashed potatoes, two pans of homemade corn bread, beans, two peach pies.  So, I guess yes.

I do plan on doing my Valentine shortbread and Valentine cookie cutouts with cherry/almond frosting.  Just a little normal here in the future.

Talked to Slug yesterday and then cried, as I wanted to see her so bad.  Like if she was in the same room with me, I would feel better.  Same thing happened this morning when I was typing a reply to Anne in the kitchen. I cried as I typed.  If I was with her, I would not be crying but laughing about something stupid.  As we can laugh at just about anything.  And it usually is stupid. (or it is Sissie, or Sluggy, Anne and I are not ever stupid) But I am determined to get my life back, although I feel like it is a 1/2 life without Joel.

It has only been 6 weeks and it seems like forever.  But when I wake in the morning (way too damn early) I am right back in that hospital room sitting next to his body. I hate this.  I hate it. 

Okay, pull yourself together.  Today I am going to get these things done.

1. put a zipper in a vest

2. shorten 3 pairs of pants

3. call some clients

4. complete a wedding dress

5. start another wedding dress

6. vacuum the two large rugs both top and bottom and put back on hardwoods

7. help Sissie with whatever mess she is working on in the kitchen 

I can do this, I think.  Thanks so much for the comments, they got me through the morning.

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one...

Kim

Monday, Starting over maybe?

 Here is a picture of my sweetie at the Panama Canal.  He was so happy.  We had so much fun.  I do have to say it was a great way to end a life.  Good times, good food, good friends. Who could ask for more?

Boy do I mis him. I am racked with guilt, and remorse and sadness, but I am also blessed with such great memories, laughter, and more joys than I deserve.

I opened the shop back up last week, and I am trying to work, but it is hard still. I start to blog, and then I get distracted, or I can't seem to think of anything to say.  Yes, note that on the calendar. There was a day when Kim could not think of anything to say!!!!

Bridal dresses are coming in, in droves and I am starting to answer the phone again. I put everyone off until February. The house is almost finished.  Lil sis is out caulking the floor trim as I type.

Sissie will be leaving the 11th and my Aunt is here from Minnesota until the 15th of March, (or the ids).

Sissie has gone through this house like a white tornado. My closet is decluttered and organized.  I have a new makeup table in place of a bookcase. We bought a beautiful antique Birdseye maple table that looks really nice with the bedroom furniture. We flip flopped the spare room and the shop and I now have a lot more room and new flooring. Trying to pick pins out of carpet is a nightmare.

 

This window does not get the full hot sun as the bedroom window did. This room is also about 50 square feet bigger.

I have three times the hanging space so I can attempt to be more organized. I am still not done tweaking the shop as I have not worked in it enough to know where I really want things, but eventually it will be perfect, or almost perfect.

 I also always had my cloffice in this room, so there was no hanging place for company clothes when they came. We took the doors off and Sissie organized much of my sewing paraphernalia into these baskets, and it looks so nice. Now I can blog and sew in the same room. 

I love the new linoleum floor; it sweeps up and mops without streaking.  Love it, Love it!  Linda what do you think?  Can't wait to get your opinion.... Inquiring minds must know.

Last night I had the kids down for a ham dinner and I had Nate and Signe' finally get the grandfather clock wrapped and taken to the garage. I think Nate got a little carried away with the wrapping. 

When my grandfather could no longer drive at 94, his car was sold,
and he purchased this clock for over $8000.00. He said it kept him company as he would wind it every day. When he passed it went to mother and then to Signe'.  But they had no room for it in their new house, so it came back to me. I really have no room for it, plus Joel always took care of it.  

I have a cousin who lives in Montana. He is going to come and get it and it will stay in the family.  This cousin was a 25-year Navy man and never had children. He is gruff, grizzly, mountain man and my girls loved him to distraction from the moment they laid eyes on him.  They were all little and they called him Uncle Vigo, as he looks like Vigo Mortenson.  No matter how grouchy and stern he was, they loved him more.  He called immediately after I got home and said he would come in early for the girls and to help with anything I needed. They so needed his support and what is funny is that the grandbabies love him too. I don't think he quite knows how to handle this.  He had Kelsa asleep in his arms for much of the funeral dinner.  He is such a blessing to this family. He will become the grandfather figure for them, and I am so grateful.

We were able to paint Auntie's room and I hung the handmade quilt Jethelyn bought me in Hawaii, behind the bed. 

  My sisters went with me to a thrift store so we could buy a Hollywood frame.  The old footboard was just too big for the room. Lil sis found these brand-new lamps for $12.00 and it was 1/2 price day, so we got both for $12.00.

This window gets full hot sun.  I bought a new light and heat window shade for the room, to help with that problem. It is a nice little sanctuary for Auntie.  She is so happy here.  It was 57 and sunny one day and the weather in her area of Minnesota was 21 below, with the wind chill factor.  She will be 88 this Saturday and we are having a party Friday as Sissie flies out Saturday. 

The new hardwood floors. We can't put any rugs down for another few days. I had the piano placed facing out.  (This is how Joel always wanted it) It allows the pianist to see the string group they are accompanying.  And actually, I like it better now that I have tried it. I am playing much more now as it brings me comfort.

Kelsa is here today. She is a pistol. 

Look at how the entryway was done.  This man took every kind of wood he could find and made this design in memory of Joel. He would be able to identify every species.  

All the trim on these rooms was very badly done. It had to be sanded, cleaned with a special cleaner, holes filled, then sanded again, and then two coats of paint. After it is placed, it has to be filled, sanded and repainted in some places.  SO much work. But a little every day and it will be done.

 

I still have not picked out a floor for the kitchen, as I wanted to see what samples would look like next to the wood floors.  So, we are still in this mess. It is a work in progress.  I want a high-grade hospital linoleum.  As I am a messy cook and drop a lot of stuff. I have had tile and hated it, also hated pergo, and laminate, so lino it is.

I have 8 brides scheduled already this month and I have a dress to get out before Thursday.  Had a bride here this morning and have one coming in at 4:30 today.  The season has started.

Finances are a mess here and we still have no death certificates.  I have to wait to see where everything lands. 

I am still saving a penny a day and all my change.  I also started saving, 5 dollars bills for my trip to Hawaii with two of my daughters in April.  Jethelyn was taking her dad to Hawaii, so she changed the ticket, and I am going. So far, I have saved $120.00 in 5's.

I had so many plans for the new year, and they are all up in the air right now. But it will hit even keel in a few months, and I will be able to see the way ahead.

I am going to try and get back to regular posting.  I really need to just get a schedule again. It is just so hard. I miss Joel so much. Grief is a monster.

I pray everyday for Hilogene, and SAM.  I just hate that they are suffering.

Thanks so much for all of your support and caring it really does help, when people say they are thinking of me. That sounds so self obsorbed, which I hate, but it helps. 

Trying to stay emotionally afloat.

Kim