Thursday, January 26, 2023

Thursday, I'm a mess


 Sissie is making me blog.  I am a mess. When I found out about SAM it put me under.  I am in a very bad place.  Hilogene was bad enough and now my SAM.  Just the thought that someone else has to experience what I am experiencing is almost more than I can take. Love you SAM and Hilogene.  Words cannot express my sympathy for you.

I am through the denial phase and into the anger phase,  I swear I have used the F bomb more in the last week than I have my whole life.  Not proud of that. 

Sissie will be here until the 11th of February.  Aunty comes the 2nd of February and will be with me until the 15th of March.  Still don't know how I will let Kay go home.  Can't even think about it.

The house is torn up.  We have all the furniture from the dining room, living room and family room stashed in bedrooms and garage.  The grandfather clock cannot go out there and neither can the instruments.  The baby grand is on it's side in the spare bedroom.  I really miss it.  Every time I was going to lose it, I would go in and start playing the piano.  I almost memorized an entire songbook.  I had no idea what a comfort this would be.  But Joel played a lot. Playing brings me peace.  Funny things that you would not think would do that.  

All the flowers are dead.  We had so many.  But the two plants I received I cherish. They are alive.

I went to Missoula for 3 days last weekend, as the floors were getting put in.  They are not quite finished and will finish up this weekend.

I have taken all the old trim and sanded and removed all the old caulking.  That was a job.  Then I had to wash each piece with a special cleaner and putty the holes, sand again and wash and then two new coats of paint. It will not be perfect but to get  new oak trim throughout the house with all the cuts and special rounded corner pieces would be about $3000.  I cannot afford that right now.   But the old trim will be fine.  Most of it is covered by furniture anyway.

The kitchen floor is torn up and I am waiting for the hardwoods to be done so I can order flooring to somewhat match. I don't have the money for that either so I may wait awhile and just walk on the mess.

I have not started sewing yet.  Just too scattered. But I will need to start as I need the money. 

This weekend I will be up at Braunwyn's, as they will be sanding and staining and sealing the floors. I think B is taking her Dad's death the hardest, but then she is the youngest and her children ( if she has another) will never know her dad. 

I am still trying to get into a routine, and so far, that is not happening. I just wander.  It is so very hard.

Thanks for the support, and I will try to get better.

Kim

55 comments:

  1. Oh I was so happy and relieved to see your post! I was worried about you. And I heard about Sam as well, although I didn’t follow her blog often. Holy cow, having your house torn up is even more stress, but it might help having so many distractions. I have found doing the estate stuff almost therapeutic, I make calls, spend 45 minutes on the phone and end up with more action items…makes the day go by. I seem to be doing okay, have ups and downs, but I am now able to focus better. Trey gowdy just wrote a book about how to make decisions, I just started it. And since I am facing a whole bunch of decisions, to sell the house, move etc etc, I could use the help ;). Anyway, my love to you and I am sending healing sparkles your way. Hilogene in Az

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    1. Virtual hugs and continued prayers for you as well, Hilogene. Such life changing decisions on whether to sell house and move and I pray for comfort for you. Cindy in the South

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    2. I'm still waiting for death certificates, but we really did not have an estate, so it is try and figure out how to live on less money here. But I will be fine. I still hate this. But we can do it together. You are a comfort to me.

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  2. It is great you have good and steady support. Taking out all the trim and cleaning it is a daunting job! I can understand how playing the piano helps you. I can't wait to see the pictures of the sewing rooms.

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    1. I am excited to show you also. But everything is so torn up right now. I want to get your apporval!

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  3. Just ((hugs)) for you my dear Kim.

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  4. Unfortunately, with grief, the only way out is through.

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  5. Sounds like craziness yet perhaps the work was therapeutic? I mean, why not swear at the wood?

    Be sure to apply for SS Survivor benefits as soon as you can. That will help you through the coming months.

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    1. I have an interview with them on Feb. 2nd so we will see.

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  6. My heart hurts for you .
    I'm so glad you are surrounded by family.

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  7. I'm so sorry things are such a struggle right now. And, agree with others. Maybe the distraction is good? I'm so glad to hear that you have such a strong support system available. I was also so very sad to hear about Hilogene & SAM. It just feels surreal, really.

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    1. I feel like there is a virus out to get all of this blog group.

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  8. (((((Kim))))) Don’t worry about being a mess as no one expects anything else from you at this time. Take all the time you need and come here to vent if need be. We will be here for you. 💕

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    1. Well staying busy really does help, but I think it is avoidance.

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  9. I am glad to see your post. Anger is perfect at this time. I know how long each stage lasts when we lost our 6 year old daughter. Scream, swear, do what you need to do.

    God bless.

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    1. Oh jackie I am so sorry for that loss. I can honestly say it was harder to lose my daughter than it has been to lose Joel, but who knows months from now I may feel different. Hug right back to you my dear friend.

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  10. Continuing prayers and hugs to you , Hilogene, and SAM.

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  11. You are so loved, Kim. We all just want to support you. Take care of yourself, let Kay & Aunty take care of you for now. Sew as you can - start small - just a few things, when you feel ready. Just so heartbroken for you, Hilogene & Sam. Life is so hard and just not fair sometimes. Wishing your broken heart some peace.

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    1. It does seem like life is not fair, but then it never has been. I always told my kids a fair was where they put ribbons on pigs.

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  12. Sending love and hugs across the miles to you, and Sam, and Hilogene. Grief and love, tears and laughter, all mixed up in a new not-yet normal. You are more cared for than you know. xo

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  13. You can call and use those F bombs on me....I can take it. Just don't mention any stools. ;-) Love, me

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    1. I do love you. I miss you. Crap just the stupid laughter, at anything. ..

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  14. Continued virtual hugs and prayers for you, Hilogene, and Sam, and your families. Cindy in the Soith

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  15. Kim, I'd love your mailing address (so I could send a card), if you're comfortable sharing. My email address is thehawaiiplan@gmail.com, if you are okay to share.

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  16. I'm so glad to see this post, and good on Sissie for making you blog. Love you!

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    1. Well it is hard to think of what to say. Like my brain is not working.

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  17. Chiming in to say it's good to see a post from you again. I know you want to stay busy and exhausted but please don't overdo it!

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    1. Well exhaustion is not my goal, but I am not sleeping well so it is a given.

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  18. I am praying for comfort for you and sending you hugs.

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  19. I was glad to see your new post. I am so sorry this has happened. My husband has so many health issues & I worry day and night. I am so glad you have siblings & support. I have learned so many things from you. May I ask which Sam you’re referring to? Is it the Sam I’m thinking of? I do follow her blog & I noticed she hasn’t posted since the 18th which is unusual for her. I’m just concerned. I pray for all involved.

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    1. Yes it is that SAM. Her husband was so young. At least I got the last 6 years with Joels retirement.

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    2. Thank you for your reply. I am just shocked. She was just speaking earlier in the month about him retiring 4 months earlier. I wonder what happened if he had an accident? My father died of cancer early at 54 unexpectedly. He talked often about retiring (he had a very physical outside job) & he’d never been sick a day in his life. My FIL could have retired but he kept working (workaholic). My in-laws wanted to travel so she finally got him to retire & 4 months after he retired she got colon cancer at 65 & died 3 months later. All this to say when you are able to retire do it. Our days are not promised & life is too short. Sorry I’m rambling. Prayers for all. I’m just so sorry.

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  20. Glad to see the post. Huge hugs dear. It is so hard - yes it is. You F bomb all you need to. I am so glad you have family around. SO much sadness lately - my heart hurts for each of you. I know it doesn't seem so now, but you will get through this. Take your time - there is no schedule to follow. Each person is different. Sending much love.

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  21. I am so glad to hear from you. Your Sissie is right in making you blog. We are all here thinking about you and we all love you. How else can we be there for you? Sending you the biggest hugs. Flooring is a big job. My home needs it badly too but, honestly it will have to wait until I get fed up with it. Take care and please do not overexert yourself.

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  22. Just blog when you can, and take it one day at a time. But yes I am glad sissie made you blog. *hugs*

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  23. Thank you for posting. Some of us are going through stuff and it helps.
    Amy

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  24. Thanks for the update. I'm so glad you have your sister there to help. Prayers for comfort for you and your family.

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  25. if you aren't up to blogging... make Sluggie post how you are doing. Prayers for all that have lost someone.

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  26. I'm so glad you are still posting as I often wonder how you are doing. We are in the middle of renovation work too and I can't imagine how hard it is for you to be grieving AND have your house in pieces AND be taking care of everything else all at the same time. It sounds utterly overwhelming! Take care of yourself and please keep blogging. {{{{Hugz}}} from Las Vegas!

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  27. Continued prayers for you, Sam and Hilogene. The blogging community supports you!

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  28. ((((((HUGS)))))) and I am so very sorry Kim. My heart aches for you.

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  29. I too can’t seem to get it out of my mind. The untimely deaths! I’m so sorry and can offer no advise. Losing my spouse at 40 devoured me. I’ve actually been grieving more the last 5 plus years since I’ve retired, the kids left home…. His two brothers look just like him and I see them with their grandchildren oh wow, so sad at what he missed and they missed and what my kids missed and I think of this for you. :(. But you cry and forge ahead and make the best of it with some days harder (sometimes knocked to your knees). But happy moments and memories come and are more and more easy with flares in between. I do think in the beginning I worked too hard, house renovations etc., I redid the yard etc. plus 4 kids (5 and up) and full time job but I think I was running full speed to more or less push everything out of my head and not feel so deep. That doesn’t work well and I don’t think in the long run it was healthy for me. Hence maybe why I’m so full on grieving now. Well thinking of you, Hilogene and Sam with prayers. Sam I’m in the Midwest Mn should you ever need anything. Jre

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  30. I am glad you posted too. I think about you everyday. Its good you are with family......
    Ellen

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  31. Did not know the news of Sam. Been reading her blog forever. Can someone point me to where that need was shared?

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  32. First time commenter here. So sorry for your loss. Hoping that you and your loving family will find strength and comfort from one another. I hope that you will find that with time, you will have little reminders of Joel pop up that will make you smile. We lost my dad almost 12 years ago, but he still comes up in conversation so often (for example, when one of us messes up an electronic device by pushing the wrong buttons). Know that Joel will be with you always.

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  33. Hello, Kim. Thinking of you tonight. Just wanted you to you. Hugs.

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