Thursday, February 9, 2023

Thursday, Little things


 The morning Joel passed and the ambulance was on its way, I remember going through his clothes thinking, I have to have something for him to wear home.  It was a frantic fast time and even though he was responsive and could talk to the attendants, I decided to just leave things as Sissie could run those things to me later.  These were my thoughts.

To come back to the house within a few hours without him was surreal. We left the house at about 8:30. But the ambulance stayed and stayed out in front of Sissie's house as things went from bad to worse. Of course I had no clue, even when two more ambulances showed up and more men got out.  They lost Joel's pulse in front of the house and then they got it again.  I had no idea.

They lost it again when they had him in the ER.  We were met by a woman who put purple stickers on us that said screened.  I thought that was odd.  She told us to go sit in a certain area. One of the ambulance attendants came out and told me how sorry he was.  Then a handsome tall black minister came out to greet my sister and I.  Dan was parking the car.  He took us to a private room.  I remember reaching back to take Kay's hand as I knew then it was not good at all.  I remember saying to her, "If there was anyone else in the world I would want to be with right now it would be you."

We sat for a few minutes in a room and the minister asked us a few questions.  We found out he was a twin. What a wonderful soul to work Christmas day.  Within minutes a doctor came in, (I asked if he was Jewish because of his last name and who else would be working Christmas morning).  I told him I was very pragmatic and not to be shocked but I wanted to know exactly what my husbands chances were.  I told him I would want to do for Joel what he would do for his own father.  He said that Joel had a large blood clot in part of his heart and it had starved that muscle of oxygen to the point that it would not beat on its own.  If they could get is to beat on its own they would whisk him to surgery and remove it.  But there was too much damage.  I told him I wanted to see him and the doctor started running and I ran after him.

The machine keeping Joel's heart beating was loud and horrible. It was literally breaking his ribs.  He had never been without oxygen and they said he could likely hear me.  SO I got close to his ear and I hollered that I loved him and he was to go find Franka.  Go find our daughter.  I gave the doctor a sign and he turned off the machine.  It was dead silent.  Then the doctor whispered, "Time of death, 10:07."  That was it.  It was over.  They had kept him alive long enough for me to say goodby.

I remember leaving the hospital.  It was a beautiful, sunshiny Christmas morning.  Right as we got through the doors to the outside there was a shiny new penny right between my feet!  His last goodby. He knew how I loved to find pennies.

When I got back to Sissie's, I could not even look at Joel's things. I would not touch the pants he had worn, even though they were flung over his suitcase.  I left things like that until after Sluggy and Dan were taken to the airport. Kay and Dan took care of everything. I took important insurance cards and things out of his wallet and I kept his reading glasses.  That was it.  They took everything else to Good will.  But I keep his reading glasses buy his spot at home.  Just a little bit of him.

Isn't this dressing table pretty?  I just love the wood and it goes so well with my bedroom set. The mirror came out of Lil sis's boyfriend's house.  He said the mirror was too feminine. Perfect for me! Joel's forestry bookcase was here. He wanted me to have a makeup table, but he needed a place for all his books. By the way I still hate putting on makeup no matter how pretty the place is.... Ungrateful little wench that I am.

Had a check up today.  Back on an antibiotic for 10 days for sinus infection. As I have had drainage for over 6 weeks, yippee. Tomorrow I see the eye specialist again. Had blood work done, for thyroid at eye doctor's request. I feel fine and I have to take all this crap, got to love it!

Now today I am going to start sending out thank you cards.  I am going to try and do 10 a day until I am done.  But it is very emotional for me. This is so hard.  I know I keep saying that.

Bare with me, kind of in a rut right now.

Went and got a soda this morning at Micky D's and I had a 20 dollar bill and of course got back 3-5's.  I am so short of cash because I have not sewn for almost 2 months.  Now I know I am saving my 5's, but I really did not want 3 back as it cuts into my spending money. The only solution is to sew more. Drat!

Trying to stay afloat in more ways than one.

Kim



61 comments:

  1. Aww Kim. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you right now & make everything better for you. Reading this broke my heart. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know it's hard. I hope you feel better soon my friend. Love & hugs. You are in my prayers.

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    1. Such an awful experience. Yet peaceful and beautiful at the same time.

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  2. Take your time. I lost my sister unexpectedly in 2017. I cry almost everytime I think of her. I miss her so much. Lost my Mom in November and it still doesn't seem real.
    Hugs to you, Janie

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  3. (((((Kim))))) My heart goes out to you.

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  4. Sorry for what you are going through Kim.
    Mary

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  5. Hey, Kim, don't know when I'll be able to blog again, or think about it, but letting you know I've been with you, and feel you with me. I can't type more as just this much is gut wrenching. I didn't have an email for you, so this will have to do to send you at least a bit of my heart.

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    1. Grateful to hear from you, Sam, because was very worried. Take all the time you need, and if that is forever, that is ok. Self care is the only thing that matters now. Virtual hugs. Cindy in the South

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    2. Sam, we're all thinking about you.

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    3. Thinking of you, Sam, and like others, grateful to hear from you.

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    4. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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    5. Oh SAM, knowing that this has happened to you has really almost ki9lled me and I am not exaggerating. I am so sorry. We have to get together. I have your email and address and will be sending something private, I just haven't had the courage, as you can well understand. I am crying as I type this. I am just so, so sorry. If I could be there to put my arms around you and we could just cry and scream together.

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    6. Thinking of you often, SAM. Take care.

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    7. Glad to see you here, SAM. Know that there are a number of bloggers and readers who have been sending you prayers, positive thoughts and good karma. It must all seem very overwhelming for you, your kids, and extended family. Take the time to care for yourself.

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  6. Oh Kim, it was gut wrenching to ready your account of events. When you said goodbye made me break into tears. Just know that your husband will always be with you and knows how much you loved and adored him.

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    1. But there was also a palatable love in that room that was so peaceful.

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  7. Your description made me cry for you and the pain and loss. I had to quit sobbing before I could go on. I hate all this for you! I love the mirror! I am so sorry and think about you often. And, I am so glad to hear anything from SAM.

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    1. I know I am so worried about her. Isn't it funny how we just love each other?

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  8. Kim, thank you for this beautiful post. Yes. I understand. Though I haven't lost a husband, I understand. I don't talk about my own loss, mainly to protect others, but I am intimately familiar with the many faces of grief and I wouldn't wish them to be introduced to my worst enemy. My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Well, I can honestly say that losing a child is much more painful, now that I can compare that is. Love you

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss! God bless you and your family!

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  10. Thank you for having the strength and courage to type these words, I am also a widow.
    Some healing is just being able to say it out loud, sharing with the world those last precious moments. The deep pain and grief will not leave for a long time but you have taken the first step into a new world without Joel. He would be proud, he knows you are going to be okay because his love will never leave you. Just take it a day at a time, the best way you can. We go on because there is no choice, we have children and family that need us. I will keep you in my prayers and I am so sorry for the loss and heartache your family is enduring.

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    1. I do remember the first day if I had been given the choice I would have gone with him. Now it is the kids and grandkids I live for.

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  11. Continued prayers Kim. Words can not adequately convey my condolences, so I shall just sit here with you, virtually. You are (I use “are” because families are forever) a good wife, fabulous mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, and great friend to those in need. Please rest and take care of yourself. Cindy in the South

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  12. Such a memory, but isn’t how those moments and in such detail replay in your mind. For so long it’s just the “it can’t be real” over and over again. This so sad, my continued sympathy. Jre

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    1. I still have moments of it can't be real.

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    2. It’s some details that even after 26 years I can’t think of and I cry. My husband died at 11pm. When my 6 year old daughter came out into the living room in the morning (his bed had been there) and I told her, she then ran down to her 5 year old brothers room yelling out “Andy, Andy guess what! Daddy died last night”, I thought I’d collapse. Also I’d never seen such grief as on my 16 and 17 year old. I’m sorry to share but you just have moments that are forever etched. But I’ve posted in the past, we’ve still led a very happy life, the 4 children have married, and I have 13 grandkids! (and still now cried over that memory). Jre

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  13. Oh Kim hugs from Texas. My heart just aches for you but the fact you were with Sissie and had just had a beautiful vacation is not lost.

    Melissa

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  14. Continued hugs and prayers. You have experienced a devastating loss and it is going to take time.

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  15. More healing sparkles. I debated writing this since today is about Joel and you. I wrote and erased a bit then decided to go ahead and write it. Hope that is okay. My husband had a day and a half in ICU heavily sedated while they tried to rest his heart enough to recover, alas it didn’t. He had a collapsed stent (which they replaced) but also a huge clot that they couldn’t remove that did the damage. I had more time to mentally prepare. Having less than two hours is so sudden. The day I took him off the heart pump and ventilator, I had gone home at 8 am to take care of our dog and got back to the hospital at 10:15. As I was walking up to the front door, I heard a helicopter take off from the roof and fly off. I knew that meant that Stu’s soul had just gone to heaven at that moment. He had been a helicopter pilot for much of his life. I just knew that and stood there and cried. Hilogene in Az

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. sending you love, thank you for sharing.

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    3. Sending prayers to you Hilogene and what a wonderful sign regarding the helicopter that he had transitioned to the next life. Cindy in the South

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    4. Oh Hilogene, how sweet and how awful at the same time.

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    5. So sorry for your loss! I believe in signs, and I see them all the time. Jre

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  16. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it helped you to be able to write it out, in some way. Your table looks beautiful and I hope all your appointments go well. Good luck in writing out the thank you cards, take your time, but I know the task is important to you.

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  17. Loved hearing about the shiny penny that Joel sent you. He'll always be in your heart.

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  18. Thank you for posting. I am trying to work through the death of my mom. It's helping me.

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    1. Well at least someone is getting some good out of this disaster. I am so sorry for your loss.

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    2. You are saying the things out loud that I can't bring myself to say. I went and picked up her belongings and they came in 4 big boxes. I quickly found the few things my brother and sister and I wanted and took the rest to Goodwill. I felt awful at the time. They weren't my mother. They wouldn't bring her back.

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  19. Oh Kim, so heartbreaking. And on Christmas day makes it seem even harder. I'm glad you were able to say goodbye. I'm glad that we have the hope that we will see our loved ones again, and what a reunion that will be for all of us. Sending hugs and prayers for comfort.

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    1. I know. I cried a lot last night wondering where he was. Is he happy? COuld I just talk to him for a moment?

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    2. Oh Kim, I'm sorry. Our faith may be a little different, but I believe that if we trust Jesus, He has prepared a place for us. He told the thief, that today shalt thou be with me in paradise. So I believe that Joel is happy. I pray for peace and comfort for you.

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  20. I'm so glad you got a chance to say goodbye. I can't imagine how difficult that was, but something you needed for yourself. You don't need to apologize - you are grieving. Hugs to you.

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  21. Your remembrance of your husband's sudden death brought back memories of my father's passing. I watched his heart in his chest knot up and stop and I felt transfixed, empty and alone. I am so very sorry for your loss; you just go on because you must and all the threads of life that connect you to other loved ones keep you going. Treasure your dear ones and enjoy each moment with them; life is such an opportunity for joy and happiness and wonder. Your husband will never be forgotten by any of you and he will be missed. Hugs, Rita

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  22. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you as you work through your grief. Suz in WA

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  23. After 34 yrs I still have the coin purse of my late husband. I put pennies of his birth year in it until it was full. They are still there.

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  24. I'm sure that it was so hard for you to relive your husband's last day by writing about it. Thank you for sharing it with us. Hoping that you have a calm weekend so that you can recharge. The number of comments here is a testimony to the fact that lots of people care about how you are doing, even if they have never met you in person.

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