This should say all year, not all summer. I want myself back. Darkness is my old friend again. I have not said hello to it either. Is it the holiday blues? Not really. Just a feeling of blank nothingness that overtakes me. It is hard to get anything done. I do things with Sissie, and she does roust me around, thank goodness.
This, morning we went and paid our taxes on our houses. Ouch! I talked to Sissie, little about my feelings, but no one wants to be that person.... This just keeps going on and it seems to be getting worse.
Yesterday Lil sis and Sissie and I made Rosettes and lefsa all day long. I still have one more cookie I want to remake as we have eaten them all and they are Dan and my favorite. I will probably frost cookies tonight.
Tomorrow I am driving up to the Temple with a friend.
But I have neglected the sewing all last week, so today I really must get things done. What I really want to do is crawl into a dark corner and be left alone. Alone, with my aloneness.
But alas, there is work to do. So, let's make a list that always seems to help.
1. mend a pile
2. mend a pile
3. shorten overalls
4. mend a pile
5. go to JOanns for zipper
6. replace zipper and mend and item
7. replace zipper and mend an item
Say a prayer for me.
Kim
Hugs my dear. Maybe you should seek outside help - a different perspective. People around you see you all the time - someone new might give you some clarity.
ReplyDeleteI do take anti depressants and I am sure this helps, but I am ready to see someone. I feel so weak. I have always been such a strong person.
DeletePlease don't think of it as weakness! The loss of a spouse is one of the biggest life changes, the grief is real and can be debilitating for anyone. I refused therapy for years after a traumatic suicide in my early 20s and finally going after many many years changed my life. There's no way around the grief, only through - and a good counselor can really help you down that path.,
DeleteI know it's hard, Kim. I hate having others look at me like I'm damaged goods, but I think that's how I come across a lot. I am a horrible employee right now...doing the bare necessities and trying to pretend excitement or interest. Thankfully my biggest tasks are dumping my brain into the key board and saving information for my replacement. Therapy helped a bit, but time to refill myself is what I really need.
ReplyDeleteI escape by traveling constantly but it is expensive, and I need a year to regroup. But, I know exactly li8ke you feel damaged goods. Really, we are not we are survivors., It is learning how to survive with grace that is hard. Think of you constantly. I am not alone, but what a crappy way to describe a friendship. You mean so much to me, I wish there was a way I could show it more without breaking down.
ReplyDeleteKim I was going to suggest you might need some antidepressants to take the edge off but I see in your reply to Cheryl that you already take them. I think you need some professional help my friend ... by this I mean a good therapist or grief counsellor to help you through this. You have always just gotten on with things but I think it has never eased or gone away - your grief that is. You just distract yourself with other things but not get to the bottom of it. You need some outside help in order to properly work through it & heal yourself. That is just my suggestion - I don't mean to sound dictatorly. Time to take care of YOU my friend xx
ReplyDeleteI suppose therapy is a good idea. I know sewing was good therapy for me in the past. Maybe it is time for more.
ReplyDeleteWhat temple are you going to? That's interesting. I loved this blog post. I recently got a cabinet painting and that's been a fun addition to our home before Christmas.
ReplyDeleteDear Kim, I have had struggles with depression and anxiety. Unlike you, I could never pinpoint what triggered mine. I refer to it as a dark well that kept calling my name. Thankfully I have been able to climb out of the well and stay out. Not saying it's always easy, but I am able to fight the pull when it tugs. All of that to say that you are not alone and there is no shame in seeking professional help. So many care for you, and all we want is for you to be healthy mentally. Praying for you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteNo great words, but sending you so much love, light & hugs. (Hawaii Planner)
ReplyDeleteHolidays are always hard to get through especially firsts, like first Christmas, first Thanksgiving and all the other special occasions that arrive in a year. Sending hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Prayers head your way all the time. Your struggles are never far from my mind (except maybe when you are in Hawaii or some other place I envy)
ReplyDeleteHi Kim. I was watching a priest that I follow yesterday on the topic about when people die and how that relates to God’s plan for us. He suggested that if we are still here, there is something left for us to accomplish in his plan, and it is up to us to figure it out. I decided after hearing that to spend some effort to try to decide why I am still here and what God might wish me to do…anyway, not sure this thought will help,but it gave me a focus on something other than the endless drone of the future. Love, Hilogene in Az
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get some rest and find a little peace soon. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHugs, dear Kim.
ReplyDelete