Sunday, February 25, 2018

Sunday, Debt and blame

     When you are deep in debt it is really easy to become defensive and blame everyone but yourself.  I know this because I have been through just about every debt scenario there is. Hub's and my first 10 years of marriage were riddled with almost exclusive  unemployment on his part. If he worked at a sub standard job for more than 4 months a year I was grateful.  Actually I was furious and I made no bones about it to anyone that would listen.  (I am so kind that way) I guess what I am saying is that unemployment can lead to debt.  It is pretty easy to blow through any emergency fund when one has no income.

     Second we had extreme medical bills with the birth of our second daughter, and student insurance that only paid $10,000 a semester. Terrible medical bills will throw you into some bad debt fast.  Thirty years ago people did not have the rights they do today against debt collectors and my life was a shambles for about 3 years after her death.  Everyday I had bill collectors calling, threatening. not an easy time.High medical costs can lead to debt that is never ending.

     My own health crisis lead to debt.  We had gotten to a place where we were saving money and getting out from under, and then bang I was down.  As the primary bread winner, this was a blow.  Thank goodness for my Hub's insurance at work is all I can say.

     So for years I  had three perfect storms on which to blame my debt problems.  They were legitimate, I did not cause them.  Looking back I can certainly see where we should have handled all of these crisis' better.  However, that is in the past and I am looking forward.

    I chose to blame these things on my bad money management. I was sad, I was tired, I was sick, I was most of all very, very angry.  I used anger and blame to justify my spending.  I worked hard and I deserved better.  I deserved to have nice things.  I wanted my girls to have nice things.  I did not want them to have their father's childhood , with a mother that was so cheap, Hub's never had a new suit of clothes.  I did not want my kids to suffer the way I did as a child when my parent's spending and lack of control, pitted my youth with worry and stress.

     So I spent.  I worked hard and I cut corners at every opportunity, but I also spent, and as I spent I blamed, my husband, and yes, he could have worked much harder, but the point is I could have spent less.  I have been trying to get out of debt for the last 30 years.Like an alcoholic on and off the wagon.  I would do well for a few months and then be derailed and discouraged.  I would see my sister in laws (whom I love deeply) buy things for themselves and their houses all the time.  They went on trips and out to dinner all the time.  They did not have to work like I did for every single thing we had.  I was jealous and angry and I was going to make sure I could keep up with the Jonses (or at least the family)

      Guess what?  No matter how hard I tried I was never going to be able to keep up.  I am (and was not) those people.  My priorities were different and they were always going to be different. I could sit back and blame others, and situations, and justify my feelings and behaviors, but it just got me right back where I was before.  Drowning in debt, burying my head in the sand, being unorganized and too busy to really pay attention.  So the bad habits were a viscous life style.  Something had to change.

Right now I need to go cough up my lungs.  The flu is lovely.


     Have a great and productive day, staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim

     
  

    

19 comments:

  1. Wow, that hits a little to close for me - makes you really take stock and realize it is so easy to blame others, circumstances, just about anything for the debt. Was a lot of our debt unavoidable due to job loses, etc, yes, could we have made sure we were prepared and not in credit card debt - ABSOLUTELY!!!

    I think the first step is to stop blaming others and take responsibility which I believe, the two of us, just did :) so from here on out, we will move forward, think positive, and beat the crap out of this debt!!!!

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    1. You are right, we can live in the past and let it rule us and make excuses or we can move on and make progress. Yeah for progress!!!!

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  2. I believe that stopping the blame game is key. Good for you for taking this step. Debt sucks, no matter how we came about it. Best thing is to step up and do something about it! Forget keeping up with the Joneses, they're broke too.

    One of the biggest thing that motivates me is reading about others who are also crushing their debt. Getting out of debt can be done. We will get there!

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    1. I know and then do you every think of what your life will be like? I can't even imagine.

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    2. I've been in debt longer than I can remember, so I have no idea but I'll let you know when I find out. If I decide I don't like it, I can always go back to a life of debt-NOT!

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  3. Oh I get doing the blame game. I know that I am to blame for being in debt. I have paid so much for my daughter's life, it snowballed into huge debt. And then I was spending so much at my cousins.. I could have said no. And I didn't. Like Lucy - I look to real people blogs and not the other high profile ones. We will do this. One debt at a time.

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    1. I find the high profile have too many advertisements. It is like going to the dang mall. I don't mind helping others but I will not be badgered in a blog.

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. I just got offered aloan here:). I sent them you way Rhitter and Lucy:) Okay I am joking.

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  6. Sorry things were less than stellar. To be honest everyone has things that is not perfect. I would love to have never ever had difficult, but we had some trials when we were new. I have never had issues over spending, but there were times the first 10 or so years we were married when the green eyed monster was my everyday enemy. I wanted everything everyone else had and I wanted it then. Didn't happen but it was probably the best thing that ever happened, because I had to learn to appreciate what we did have and learn to be happy for those who were doing better.

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    1. Everyone has trials, and I am sure what I have gone through has been good for me also.

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    2. I've come to realize that having very little concern about what others have and how they live is a great strength in controlling spending. Of course I get envious as welll and jealous of people (especially people who I have deemed unworthy-I'm snarky like that)at times, but for the most part, I'm such a geek I tend not to notice or care for fashion, trends etc. Now, it is my lack of enregy stopping me-I want a nice home, but one that suits me, not other people.

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  7. Lord I wish you could talk to my daughter. She had a credit card in my name and ran up a 28,000 debt and then defaulted on it. MY husband and I paid off the credit card to keep her from going to jail. We are broke and she blames us. We are to have no contact with her family. I have not seen my grandson in 5 months

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    1. I am so sorry, my brother did the same thing to my mom and she still will send him money if we don't stop her. At least you have your eyes open and stopped the siphon.

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  8. Yuck. We're in the same boat, but you're more honest by posting it on your side blog. If I did that, you'd jus tLAUGH and LAUGH! derisively I'm sure... ;) BUT it's our own doing and I know it. I hope to someday dig out from under it.

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    1. So let me get this right. You are married to a bag piper that would rather play the pipes and let Rome burn than to get up and throw water on the fire?

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  9. Kim-I'm getting caught up on blogs, and I had a little tear. No doubt I have been dealt a good hand in life and have had limited, though some experiences, as you have. Our biggest asset, and at the time he drove me nuts, was my husbands drive to save, becaue he knew what he wanted from life, and it didn;t matter what others had-he only saw our future. So even though we had nothing when we tarted out but a huge medical bill to no insurance, we found an inexpensive place to live, and cut corners from day 1. You are so right not to look back-you can't change what has happened, but you can keep with your strategies now. Good luck and best wishes.

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