Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Tuesday, Back and nothing good to report


 Well I am happy I went but boy are things rough right now.  Hubs had offered to go down by himself, but I knew that was not a good idea, as he would just be one more burden to his mom and he would have been as the first thing he wanted when we got down there was to be taken care of, as in will you make me something to eat? I wanted to strangle him.

There was no food in the house to just grab and eat.  She (my mother in law) has lots of meat and things to cook with but really can't seem to cook anymore. They are living on homemade bread (which she is having trouble making) and eggs. She is still buying the cheapest least expensive  food stuffs she can find. This is going to lead into another discovery that has me really upset and there is nothing we can do about it.

We sat down with her financial advisor and found out that mom and dad are worth over 1/2 a million dollars and are living on far less than they take in every month.  She pinches every penny she can to the point of eating rotten food.  She has done this all her life and has not needed to.  Why so you can leave you kids money?  I was so shocked and in tears. I have watched this woman live in penury for 43 years and it is just ridiculous. But we are not going to change her.

She had a list of things to be done, and hubs slowly did them.  He was waiting for me to take charge and I refused, as it is not my place to get involved in the money matters. He sprayed fruit trees, went a bought chemicals for her trees and berry bushes, fixed something on the car, brought wheat up form the basement.  I cooked meals which she ate well at so she will eat if someone cooks, but she is down to a size 2 now and says she just doesn't enjoy food anymore.  Well who would when you eat rotten food to save money?

Dad is much worse although he can still walk very slowly with alot of grunting and groaning.  HE can still talk, but does not make much sense most of the time.  He is very demanding and stubborn and hard for mom to handle. HE seemed to get worse the longer we were there, so I think company is hard for him.  But something must be done now as it is dangerous for mom to care for him and she has grown so weak.  They ( meaning hub's and his siblings) have to face this fact. Either dad goes into a care facility or they have to live with one of us until dad goes.

We are willing to take them.  Hubs does not handle his dad well at all and I saw this first hand as his way of dealing with his dad's dementia is to start yelling.  Not helping.  I can deal with them both better than hubs can. " A soft answer turneth away wrath."  I don't know what the future will hold but it scares me.

One thing I did learn on this trip is that I am going to enjoy what time hubs and I have left.

Segue: Hubs and I always talked and planned on going on a mission for our church. We also planned on buying a small piece of property in the woods, to put a small cabin on.  Someplace for our family to gather and have fun.  We planned to travel.  Going down to hubs folks and looking at the money they have saved and now they have no way of spending it, has made me realize this will not happen to me.

Well sad to say my future and much sooner than I ever thought is going to be much like my mother in laws.  I just want to cry typing this.  In fact I have been in tears off and on all weekend.  Hubs health as far as physical is much better with his weight loss, but his mind is not. Between his hearing loss, and his tremors and medications, his mind is not good and only getting worse.  This is leading to fits of temper (so far only around family).  He is suffering from crippling anxiety because his memory is so bad.  We have given up going on a mission, and we have given up the cabin idea.  He just cannot fulfill these two dreams.

Now he can still do many things. Unless you lived with him you would not notice the changes I am observing, but reality bites  The combination of hearing loss and the essential tremors leads to early onset dementia. This is so hard. All I could see at my in laws house was my future and we will not be in our 90's when this happens.

I have decided we need to start doing a little more traveling and not put off till tomorrow what we can do now.  The future is not really that bright.  I will not be stupid with money, but I will not scrimp and save like my mother in law.  It is just stupid. We still have to pay off the house, and we will, but we have plenty to do things with and we are going to do them. 

Sorry for the long post, but what is your opinion on this information? or I should say this update?

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.  Heck just staying positive?


Kim

36 comments:

  1. Sending hugs.
    I am sorry. Both for your inlaws and you and your husband.
    Would your inlaws allow someone to live with them? Either family or home health aides?
    I'm sorry your husband's health is getting worse. Take those trips now. Enjoy being together. Make some good memories. We don't know what the future will be like, hopefully there will be some medical advances and maybe a cure or delay in dementia. There is always hope. But I think you are wise to enjoy life now.

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    1. Thanks Kathy. This is not something I dwell on, as it is too painful, but watching Hub's dad made things so real.

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  2. Oh Kim, I wish I could just give you a great big hug! I'm sorry that you're having to deal with so much & that hubby's health is declining. You are smart to want to do things with DH while you can. I'm sure you will find lots of interesting places to visit & things to do. Thinking of & praying for you & your family my friend.

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    1. Thanks, I try not to dwell but this weekend was so scary. I am better now. Slugs and I are going on a trip with our hubbies, something to look forward to and get off the old bucket list.

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  3. Oh my dear I was brought to tears as I read this. We save where we can, but the money saved is used to travel (not the past couple of years because of the pandemic). Our sons say to spend our money, but after living frugally for years that is pretty difficult. Still we will help the children while we can still enjoy it, travel when we can, and live life as much as we are able.

    You take time for yourself.

    God bless.

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    1. Well Jackie you hit the nail on the head. It is hard to spend when you have had to live so tight for so long, but this weekend taught me something.

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  4. I relate to your thoughts about caring for elderly in-laws, and in enjoying your years with your hubby now, rather than in some far off date. I would like to travel abroad again but I feel those days are over for me. Unless they can teleport me, ha ha. Your post about your in-laws shows how sad life can be if we put off doing things until too late. One thing I do is I treat myself to any and all healthy delicious things to eat. Cherries, shrimp!

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    1. Good for you. I am really going to try and enjoy myself a little more.

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  5. My dear friend - I have two words for you. Carpe Diem. Seize the day and enjoy life, but do it on your terms.

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    1. Thanks Rhitter. It is hard for me as I have been so in debt and broke and my fear of going back to that is so great. But we are fine now.

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  6. In my humble opinion, from what you have indicated, your inlaws are living in the manner that they chose. Their frugality is fixed in their DNA at this point and nothing will change that.They were probably happy to have the chores taken care of which you did when you visited. Each of their children needs to contribute time and love to these parents; help them continue to live in their home. If they move in with you or anyone else, how long before love turns to hate and resentment. A meeting of siblings involved; a list of required tasks; an equal division of said tasks amongst all is what would be fair. Spouses of the said siblings need to be supportive but not usurp the job required by the blood relative. Step back and leave your husband do a man's job. You are too accommodating for your own good and perhaps enabling bad behaviour. If I am harsh, I am sorry but you asked for an opinion on what you wrote and this is how I read it. Good luck.

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    1. Oh Rita, what good advice. I do beleive this family would allow me to do all the hard work. I do need to step back a bit and let them make the hard decisions. I can help hub's but I will not do it for him. Thanks for you well meant advice it means the world to me.

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  7. It sounds like such a challenging time, without easy answers. I do think you are totally right to make the most of the time you have right now. Big hugs to you & your family.

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  8. Dear Kim, I am so sorry for your upset over this very distressing visit. To be pratical though, if you offer to take in the parents surely the rest of the siblings will seize on this as 'the easy way out' rather than accepting their fair share of the responsibility for care?
    Also to be brutal about it if they moved in with you, and your father in law died first leaving your mother in law living with you, you may find yourself coping with her deterioration as well asyour husbands possible deterioration at the same time. Not good.
    Yes to enjoying yourself in all ways while you both can, while being sensible about clearing the mortgage. Hugs. J.P. in the U.K.

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    1. You are so right, but I really doubt they will end up here and then again I don't know? I just have to be very smart about this.

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  9. Having older parents (we have all 4 of ours) and a husband with health issues is hard.
    No answers for you except I do think enjoying life while living financially responsible but not miserly is the right way to go

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    1. You are so right Rhonda. This weekend was a real eye opener.

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  10. Hi Kim, my heart goes out to you for the rough seas you face ahead. A few ideas based on living through the aging of DH’s parents as well as DH huge health issues. I would strongly recommend that if DH and his father do not get along very well, do not move him into your home. Even best case, aging, illness and pain bring stress and tempter flares. Find a different choice for the father in law. The first priority for your and your husband has to be to take care of yourselves first, and moving them into your home would be destructive, My husband and I learned this lesson the hard way.

    On the positive side, the universe has sent you lots of information that time is scarce so best to use it wisely. Not everyone can see this point so clearly. My best to you and your family. Remember to take care of yourselves first (the old phrase of putting on your own oxygen mask first).

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    1. You know I do have to agree with this, I just can only hope and pray answers are that he goes quickly or into a home.

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  11. Sending lots of strength and love. Every time you go down there, it seems worse and worse - and you say they have folks there to help, but every time you go, it seems like no one (except you) is facing the reality of their situation. Hugs.

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    1. No, hubs has a younger sister who is there a lot. She is 5 hours away. She is by far the preferred child. We have been going down every 6 weeks and it is 5 hours for us also. The sister that lives in the same town as mom and dad could do more I think, but there are really deep seeded resentments in these siblings due to their fathers behavior growing up. HE was mean and the kids all feared and actually hated him. Now he is this helpless old man but still holds onto that I am the king of my castle philosophy. It is just so hard.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear about the in-laws and your DH. None of this is good news and I do not blame you for being so upset. My grandmother had dementia and now my mother does and it is a very difficult thing for everyone involved. All of us need to remember to do what we really want to do and live the life we want much sooner than later. None of us knows how much longer we have left here. As I get older I struggle with the thought that the best has already happened but I refuse to believe that. Miracles and happiness and love are still in our futures. Big hugs to you Kim.

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    1. Teaks Lori, it was such a hard few days, but also enlightening.

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  13. While I do think we have to plan for our older age, the time comes to be using the assets you accumulated for the rainy day (retirement) you planned for. None of us have any guarantees in life. There is an old Sam Bush song Howling at the Moon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XlOCYFs0FE it kind of says it all!

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    1. Thanks Anne. I swear Slugs and I and sis have coming to see you on our bucket list!

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    2. I am ready just about any time! Fingers crossed and leg crossed and any other thing that can cross is crossed!

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  14. Yes! Make the most of the time you have left. It's time to take care of you and treat yourself. It's hard to see your inlaws declining, but use it as a reminder to be good to yourself. YOU are worth it!!

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    1. Thanks Lisa. I certainly have had a change of tune!

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  15. Sorry to hear about your inlaws. It doesn't sound like anyone near them is helping them much on a regular basis. It seems just when we get to the point in our lives we can start actually doing some of those things we always wanted to do, now we really can't as much, because we are now having to take care of aging parents. At least that is how I am feeling, a bit. You are much better than me, to want to take your FIL (and MIL) in to live with you with the dementia. After having my mom here for short visits I really don't think I could have her live here and keep my sanity. Thank goodness she has enough money for memory care, when she gets to that point.

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    1. I really don't think FIL has much time left and MIL is so weak, I don't want them here and will try to keep that from happening. I know MIL would prefer to live with her eldest daughter, just don't know if she will take them.

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  16. My first attempt at a post didn't go through so I will try again. I assume your husband has a hearing issue that cannot be helped with hear aids ? Hearing loss can lead to so many problems when one cannot clearly hear what is going on around them.........depression, anxiety and possible symptoms of dementia to name three that Iam aware of.

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    1. Yes he has major hearing loss we have hearing aids but they only do so much.

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  17. I had no brain to comment yesterday. Your house is smaller, so it seems this would be a problem taking people in. I doubt your husband would be much help. I think the stress would break you both, mentally and physically. FIL needs to be someplace where his wife is not responsible. Hearing issues hastens and exacerbates dementia. This post was just heartbreaking. Rotten and cheap food? Poor mil. Rotten food--so dangerous. Hope you and others can sort this all out. Just don't move them in with you.

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    1. I have decided that we will take them in as a last resort. It is too hard on Hubs.

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  18. Been there, done that with Mother and Pop, then Daddy and now Hubby's parents. I pointed out to Hubby is starting to not finish sentences and lose focus on completing things.

    1/2 mil is not enough to cover both of them in assisted living. we paid $9000 a month for Daddy in Memory care just last year. In Ohio, the children can be held responsible for the nursing home care of their parents. A friend in Alabama is paying $15000 an month for his mother in law who is now broke. Finding places that take Medicaid is close to impossible, having that much money means they might not qualify for Medicaid especially if they own their home.

    You know what is coming... go talk to the doctor about what steps will be needed, then talk to a financial advisor and your lawyer. It's needed done now.

    I will add, that generation will eat bad food, they were raised to not waste food so they won't throw it away. You might want to look into someone going in and preparing meals every 3 days, cleaning etc. Call the THEIR local Senior citizen agency and see what is available. WHOMEVER is in charge of them ... has power of attorney / medical power of attorney is the one that has to be stepping up right now. My brother hated it, I offered but our parents said the son was it. I did what I could for him.

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