Monday, Surviving mentally, not!

Kim, Slugs, Anne, and Sissie

 I need a little weird right now. Worked hard in the yard this weekend and enjoyed every bit of it!  I am a little sore but not bad, I think my body is getting used to it. Kids came down with the truck and helped me get supplies to make soil for the beds.  I still have two walkways to complete and so much clean up,

Sissie took some of the waste to the dump this morning for me.

I am not doing well right now mentally, it is not grief, it has more to do with too many meetings stacked week after week, or even day after day. I leave feeling less than and I am supposed to be uplifted. Too much yammering to my brain about the way I should be makes me feel like a failure. A lot of it has to do with the schedule of events and how they fall in this area. I want to be left alone. I am tired of not doing enough.  When all I do is work and get things done. 

I don't want to complain or justify, but then again, I do want to complain and justify. I am a grandmother, and I have agreed to be responsible for certain things in my children's and grandchildren's lives.  These are responsibilities and I love them.  I am running a business, that is going into its busy season.  I have sisters, and family that rely on me and I on them.  Okay let's be truthful I rely a lot more on them.  I have church responsibilities, which I fail at with remarkable skill. Plus, I am a widow!  It all falls on me. It is a lot. I think I just need a few days in the sun to rejuvenate. 

I have a bride picking up today and another second fitting today.  Then it is onto a couple of piles, and many, many dress hemming's. It will be a busy week. I just want it to be the right kind of busy.  Not the kind of busy where I am being pulled into unnecessary doings, that bring me no joy and a fresh load of guilt.

Sis and I are finally seeing a difference in our pantries and freezers, but I still feel like we have a long way to go. I pulled 7 cans of beans and burger to make a bean hot dish that we all love, and it can be frozen for later. We found a prime rib in the freezer that we will have next Sunday for dinner! I also took stock of all the tomato products I have on hand, and I foresee a huge spaghetti sauce making in the future.  Just pairing down and using what we have.  Saves so much money and we really eat better. I am craving corn chowder; I really want to make that this week.

We are supposed to have weather in the 50's this next 5 days, so I don't think I will be spending hours and hours in the yard. We pulled out the lawn mower on Saturday and both Dan and Nathan say I need a new one. I did a little research, and this one is 12 years old. One more expense I don't need right now. I want a mower that I can start and use.  Dan and Nathan will help me choose. Thank goodness for brother in laws and son in laws, they are a gift.

The boys (Dan and Nathan and William) did so much yard work.  They moved my clothesline, did a lot of weeding and trimming and burning.  We have most of the soil additives for the new garden boxes here.  It is just a matter of putting everything together.  Joel taught me to make soil for the garden.  I also ran a big nursery for a couple of years and made huge truckloads of soil.  Of course, I had a tractor and a front-end loader when I did that work. I did not want to order a truck load of garden soil as it is not heat treated and then it is weed city.  But if you combine, perlite, topsoil, compost, peatmoss, potting soil, and sand you will get a soil that eventually filters in with the clay soil we have here and just makes it better.  It takes a few years and a lot of tilling, but eventually you get soil that grows veggies.

My goals for the week:

1. get two wedding dresses out

2. hem at least 10 dresses

3. thoroughly clean the shop with Sissies help.

4. review March goals and set up new month of April!

5. try and not be so hard on myself

Other than taking care of clients today I am just resting.  I mentally need a day of rest after spending the day yesterday in a pity party of self-loathing and doubt. Onward and upward my friends.  I will not stay down in the wallow.

Have a great and productive day (I plan on not doing much)

God is good

Kim