Tuesday, believe it or not?

     I am still in a state of shock and disbelief, but I received a letter last Thursday that stated I was to receive SSI benefits.  No fighting, no hassle, no reapplying, no lawyer.  I have applied 4 times in the past and have always cancelled as I went into remission and felt better.  I wold get really bad and say this is not going to get better.  I would apply and then boom I would be in remission.  About 5 years ago I had a really bad experience (personal) and I have never been able to get back into remission, it has been a steady downhill slope. But this time, I went through with everything.  Just fill out the paper work, phone interview, more paper work and I am done.  My biggest problem is and always has been that I don't feel I am disabled.  I know I have bad days and I try to work through them.  I know those days are becoming more and more common.  My doctors just want me to preserve the life I have left as comfortably as possible.  Slow down!  But I can't slow down because of debt.  I must work really hard and work through the pain and exhaustion to get my debts paid. I have really tried not to complain too much but I am so tired all the time.  Sometimes it is hard to convince myself to breath because I just want to go to bed.  It is not depression, but unmitigated exhaustion.

      This is going to change everything.  I feel so unworthy and yet so blessed.  I don't feel I deserve to take it easy, but I also know I must.  I think the biggest thing for me is that I now see my life as having possibilities.  I can see my way to my husbands retirement without so much fear and resentment.  My medical insurance issues will work out much more in my favor.  What have I done to deserve such a break?

     Now work is not over, but I certainly will be able to work much less.  The studio will be turned over to my daughter and into a non-profit.  I can sew when I feel good without constantly putting myself under so much pressure.  But I must be a wise steward the next couple of years.  I will need help putting together a new pay off plan that includes my two dreaded credit cards.  How can I do this with the least amount of interest and time?  Decisions, decisions.  When I get it all figured out I will list it and let you guys help me decide.  But you must be nice as I have very tender feelings. BLAH!

     Rose ( the Irish dancer) and I were able to put all the rock up around the pond yesterday so that is finally done.  Hubs could not do it and my hands were just not strong enough to do most of the rock, but with her help it looks great!  It was over 90 here yesterday and today it is cool and rainy.  Kind of nice.  I need to get the laundry caught up and make bread today.  I also have sewing to do, but I think I might be catching up?  I always say that and then I get bombed.  It is right before the 4th so I expect I will get vacation clothes for people.  We will see.


     So what do you guys think?  Freaky, scary, in denial that is how I feel.  I also love the feeling that my life will change for the better and with this new found hope I can be more of a blessing to others.

Have a great and productive day!

Kim