Thursday, still trying, but that is all

 I did get some things done yesterday, and I was very proud of myself. I have to have a bridal dress ready for a fitting at 8 this evening.  I have it ripped and ready for the machine, but I need to cut the hem first.

I am going to have to make myself do it as I am not feeling like doing anything. I did get to Joanns for 2 zippers I needed and that was an accomplishment. Go Kim.

It is hot here and I want to just go outside and bake.  Maybe tomorrow I will do that.  All day in the sun.

Still battling squash bugs in the garden.  Not as bad as previous years, but I thought the powdered pesticide was supposed to work?

Staring off into space seems to be my new talent.  I do it so well.

Kim

Wednesday, It is 3 o'clock

 I am sending Sissie one-line emails, letting her know I am not dressed, and it is going on late afternoon.  I only send these as I know it will irritate her and that brings me a little joy. Anne and Sluggy can vouch for my black hearted personality.

That which brings me joy is the imagined irritation of my other half (egg I mean).  But hey you do what you can to make yourself smile right?

I know I have shared this picture before, but it brings me joy! Just how far can you spread your pork and beans.  Game on!

I really must do something.  Maybe I will.  Thanks for all the support, I need it so bad. Just not doing my best right now.

Onward and upward, going to find the Oreos.

Kim

Tuesday, Forcing myself

 Look at this wood nymph, she brings me such joy! I had a busy weekend.  No grandkids, and I was able to get things cleaned up around here. It is still not perfect, but the yard is straightened up and may only stay that way until the kids are back in town.

No grandkids here this week, so I have no excuse not to get things done and what do I do?  Nothing. I know Sissie wants to kill me, but I just can't get myself to motivate in any direction.  Well except eating Oreos and watching Netflix. I seem to be able to do those two things.

Sunday was the 6 month anniversary of Joel's death and I spent it with my two youngest.  I slept between them after eating pizza and way too much chocolate.

I have sew so much to do and I just don't want to do anything.  It is awful to feel so useless. But I am trying I really am.

Kim

Thursday, Summer is here!

 Here we are in summer, and I am not Juning like I would normally June. But I am trying.  I really am.

I picked my first tiny zucchini yesterday and that was exciting. I have seen a few squash bugs, but I decided to hit them with a product I bought instead of trying to fight them with dish soap. I hardly got any squash the last two years, and I wasn't about to let that happen again.

Went to my televised Rheumatology appt this morning. They are concerned about the eye involvement.  But I did leave with 6 months of my $5,000 a month med.  So that was a blessing.  Walking out with $30,000 in meds is a pretty good feeling. We will see what the future holds.

I have to pick my grandkids up later this afternoon as daughter cannot get out of the clinic and sone in law was called to some crisis on the other side of the state.

I have army uniforms to do today, among the other piles.   I want to get all my sewing done before I have to go pick up kids so I can just play with them.

On the mom front.  She is home and very weak.  My sister-in-law is with her until next Tuesday.  I was going to cancel a few bridals I had scheduled for next week and go down but need to stay here for eye appointments in the next two weeks. They want to get pictures of my eye every few days. 

Mom really needs to sell her house and move in with any of us.  She does have another daughter that lives in the same town that has a huge house, and she can stay there.  But she does want her independence taken and I can understand that.  As long as we keep running down to stay with her, she will never sell. I am willing to do my part, but she also has to be realistic and that is so hard. Maybe after the 4th I can take a week and stay down there. I don't mind as there is lots of family and she is a joy to be with, it is just making sure Signe' has sitters for Kelsa and Will.  With the shortage of state troopers poor Nathan is running all over the state of Washington almost every week.

I am taking my girlfriend up to the Temple in Spokane tomorrow.  It will be nice to get away, to the peace and quiet as this has been a noisy busy week.  We can get some girl talk in and have a nice dinner, maybe do a little shopping.  Just nice to get away with her.  I hope we can do this at least once a month. It gives us something to look forward to.

So, I am of to get some sewing done before I pick up the kids.  I have to leave here at 2:15 , that gives me about 2.5 hours.  I had better get busy.

Kim

Wednesday, I am here

 Just a bit frazzled and of course in trouble with Sissie as I have not blogged.

My mother -in-law had a heart attack on Sunday night and that threw things into a tizzy here. After a weekend full of company and fun we were not prepared for that news.

She is doing fine and is now home.  It was not fatal but there is heart damage and at her age they will not operate or even do a stent.  She will be given meds.  She asked that nothing be done to lengthen her life, but she also did want some quality. Can't say that I blame her there.

I am going to try and get down next week for a few days.  I have appointments set up for next Monday and Tuesday that I could change, and I do have to play for the choir this Sunday. I will just have to see.  I know one of her daughters is there with her now. I just know Joel would be down there pronto. 

Trying to get to the piles which are of course piling as we speak. Mom's health scare really threw all of us (me and the girls) down a rabbit hole.  Mostly because we all felt this intense feeling of, we can't go through that again.  I know it is selfish it is not about us.  But Grief is such a wicked experience and the reminders. of the pain were ever present.

B stayed with me for a day and a night.  So, Oliver was here to cheer me up. I took them back home yesterday.

We had really cold weather here the last few days and many of our Southern Idaho relatives lost crops to freezing, which is always a possibility on the higher prairies. Hopefully it is early enough in the season that they can replant something they can harvest in the fall.

No wedding dresses' this week which is nice for a change.

Anyway, I am alive.

Kim

Thursday, Dress finished.

 Finally, it is finished!  Lots of hand work sewing that lace back on and attaching seed pearls.

Appliqued lace to cover up gusset under arms. When it is fitted tight on body it lays flat.

Back where I took the lace out of train and then sewed it up. Triple bustle as this train is so long and heavy, I did not think a single hook could hold it up. So all wedding dresses for June are done and I can start on July's.

I really want all July out before the end of the month as I feel dresses need to be out the month before.  I have a July wedding that has 7 dresses to alter. 

I have to get started on the piles I have really let them go bad.

Kids are here to BBQ tonight and I pulled out things for shrimp salad and then realized I have no onions or celery.

DO you remember my post years agon making fun of people who run out of onions..... well

Kim

Wednesday, Fits like a glove!

 Here are the gussets I put into this wedding dress. It was one inch at the bottom and 4 inches at the top.  I have to make a small adjustment at the top seam in front and that is it. I feel pretty proud of myself.

Here is the lace piece I picked out of the train.  I will fold it in half lengthwise and then applique it on top of the underarms to cover up the seams. So, you won't know the dress is altered.

This is the seam I will take in the train to cover up where I stole the lace. It is just a large pleat in the back seam. 

This is a massive cathedral train.  I will triple bustle it as it is too much weight for one bustling hook.

That is my work for today.  Plus, That dress you see in the mirror next to me taking the picture is getting picked up any

 moment.

Went and got my nails done last night, and I paid the property taxes today.  Found out I make $4000.00 too much for a widow exemption and my taxes are $4000. But I will apply anyway as my medical charges me be higher than I expected. 

I have book club tonight.  I am trying to get more involved in some things just to have an excuse to get out of the house with other people besides my sister.  I do love to read, and I read a lot, always have.

Well, I am off to get this puppy put together as it will be picked up tomorrow afternoon and yes Anne, I charged her plenty.  As this was brought in last week and it is to be worn on the 24th of June.  By the way the girl told me it was a small alteration. Choke!  Always know when they say it is small it is usually massive. This is the last wedding dress for June.  Unless another small alteration comes in.......

I am off. (To sew that is, Sluggy I can hear you)

Kim

Tuesday, Doctor's on the war path

 

Well meeting with the doctor yesterday must have made a difference.  This morning I was called by my RA'S office where there is no Rheumatologist in residence just a staff trying to hold things together until August.  The eye specialist called and insisted that I see a specialist immediately. There will be a zoom visit next week to get the ball rolling on staying on the med I am on and not going to a cheaper med.  Because there is eye involvement things are taking a more serious turn.  I call this providence.

Now that is a good doctor.  But then I have done all the alterations for 4 of his 7 daughter's weddings and I am not to retire until they are all married. I have had 5 eye surgeries on my right eye, I am lucky I can see at all.

I was able to get two wedding dresses done yesterday and I have a bugger to work on today for a fitting tomorrow.  Then it is piles and piles.

I am feeling better, and I think it is because I know my Sissie is coming, and my Lil sis is back in town.  Family is everything.

Kelsa had the pukes Sunday night so I did not watch her yesterday and her mom stayed home with her until she was over the worst.  I did not want to get them that was for sure.

She spiked a fever last night of 102.5 and I put her in a luke warm bath for an hour and that brought it down to 100.1.  Then to bed and she is almost back to her old self today, just a little less active.  Not forcing food down her just as many liquids as I can get.  I think she is over the hump.

My sister-in-law that has stage 4 ovarian cancer is feeling so much better and is actually out over doing it.  So I told her I will send Joel to sprain her ankle if she doesn't slow down.

There were questions yesterday about why brides buy dresses that don't fit them. There are many reasons.

1. That is the only one available

2. they can't get your size in on time

3. it is a used dress.

4. You have a pushy salesperson that knows nothing about alterations.

5. The shop where you buy does its own alterations and can charge you more for them.

6. You are just stupid.

Now there are many really good Bridal shops out there that are honest and lovely, but there are a few chain shops that are horrid.  Unfortunately living in a rural area your clients end up at the chain shops.

I do like a challenge, but sometimes it is really not worth it.

Today I am taking a wedding dress from the 80's and making it 8 inches bigger around the bust and waist.  I have to put gussets in the sides and the arms.  Then I have to steal lace from the train to cover up the seams and make it look like the dress always had lace up the sides.  Then I have to figure out how to fix the train.  I could add lace from another dress as on the long train no one will notice it is different. It is like reworking a jigsaw puzzle.

Lots of piles here that need attention but first the dress.

Kim

Monday, RA and eyes.

 

Well, the eye problem is directly related to my rheumatoid arthritis. It is rare but it does happen. It is just that RA usually took people out in their 50's from heart failure but with all the new treatments it is now showing up in the eyes.  Anywhere there is connective tissue, RA can rear it's ugly head.  Or send out blood vessels to destroy tissue.  Lucky me.

Fortunately, it responds well to medication which is very cheap. $2.00 a month.  I was almost pain-free by Friday morning. My eye feels tight but not painful.  I will have to be treated the rest of my life, but this is doable. One more doctor visit. One more specialist.

Spent several hours as Lil sis's pool this weekend and it was lovely and relaxing.

I had that wedding dress appointment on Friday that I scheduled. It was for a very, very hard alteration that I had been dreading. I had pulled the dress out several times and put it back.  I drew pictures of it.  I made patterns and finally realized I just needed her body here while I did the alteration.  I asked her which day she could come and just sit in the shop in a bathrobe.  She chose Friday and even though it is my day off, I needed to get that dress out.  It was causing me sleepless stress.

So, she shows up at 1 o'clock and we get started. I had already ripped all the narrow ribbon off and was ready to start cutting. First, I took darts in the back, so the waist was snug.  I was not going to mess with removing the invisible zipper. She tried dress on and that worked.  Then I took in the sides of the lace to make it fit the curve of the waist and she tried it on again.  Now that was done.  I had to remove the cap sleeves and cut a huge chunk out of the bust area, which was scary.  But I had her hold the dress up to her chest so it could see what needed to be removed, and then zig zagged the arms pieces back into chest area.  The seams were all covered by 1/4 inch grosgrain ribbon. Fun to sew on and remove (not). Then she tried it on again.  Now I had to take underarm seams in and match up. Another try on.  Then the shoulders seams had to come up 1 1/2 inches. and another try on. We were getting somewhere. Now all the grosgrain had to be replaced.  I did the criss cross on the bust first as that would stabilize the shoulders.  Then a try on. That gave a snug fit so I replace the rest of the ribbon. The ribbon acted as a stabilizer for the lace. Now we had a perfect fit and I added two sets of breast pads, one thin and one heavier to fill out cup. It was perfect except for the hem. I just took a pleat seam in the hem from the side to the side in front as there was a scallop on the bottom and I was not going to embroider that crap back on.  But she loved it.  It took 3 3/4 hours.  She left happy and I was so relieved.

That was a bad one may I never get another, but it is gone!  SO happy.

I have two dresses to get out today.

Kim is back!

Thursday, This post will get me yelled at

 

Okay go ahead and lecture.  Sluggy and Sissie and my mother-in-law have already chastised me, but I did it again.

 I had many people picking up today, as Friday is my day off. I was trying to get out of here by about 2 today to go to Lil sis's pool and relax.

When I talked to the family that needed a meal taken in, they requested spaghetti, which I thought great I can put that together in a crockpot and take it over early.  I lined up my clients all at 10 or a little after, so I could cook and get a few more things sewn and then drop off meal.

Well, I woke this morning with my right eye ulcerated again! I knew immediately what it was and went and looked closely and sure enough, blood vessels feeding a pocket of gunk under my right cornea.  So painful.  Can't stand light at all.  So, the doorbell is ringing, and clients are lining up.  I have my eye tearing and my nose running, and I am coughing because of all the crap going down my throat. I finally got a bag of frozen spinach out to put on my eye and I am greeting clients like this. Because you know you want to leave your $8,000 wedding dress with a seamstress who can't see out of one eye right?

In the meantime, I am trying to make a Sunday gravy and a cake and a tossed salad.  Also was going to make homemade French bread. Have you tried to cook when one eye is streaming, and you are in pain and the doorbell will not quit ringing? I have no depth perception and almost had a tragic accident with a butcher knife will trying to slice strawberries.The kitchen was getting more and more out of control and I sent some bizarre txt to the Relief society president.  I don't know I was doing it one eyed. I told her to get over to my house if she could, I was in a lurch. 

She and her sister came over and helped me finish and did up the dishes.  She took the meal over and stopped to buy French bread.  What was I thinking with my superhero cape??????I really never ask for help, I just do.  But this was just ahead of me.

Slugs calls and we laughed and had a good old chat (bitch session) and I heard all about not over doing and then Sissie called same lecture different ear. Then mother-in-law sent same message.  

But If I had not woken with an ulcerated eye, I would have been fine. I will see the specialist tomorrow at 8 in the morning.  He called in drops with an antibiotic, a steroid and a numbing agent which I will pick up this afternoon.  I wanted to get another wedding dress done and two more bridesmaid dresses and few piles but alas I will have to wait until tomorrow and do them after I have my drops.

Sometimes life just throws you a curve ball.  What is causing my eye to do this?  Stress? Crying? Stress and crying? Anyway.  I am not going to volunteer for anything involving cooking for a while. If I can't buy it at Albertson's it is not getting done.

I am going to lay down with a bag of frozen spinach on my eye.

Kim

Wednesday, I am not bi polar

 

If you read the posts from the last two days and did not know the background story you would think I need serious meds.  Well, I do take some serious meds but not that kind.

It was lovely going over to Lil sis's and spending a couple of hours in the sun and the water.  I wish I could do it every day. But alas one must work.  Plus, really not good for your skin to bake daily.

My new food of choice is Hawaiian pizza and pop tarts.  Kind of getting away from potato chips and chocolate. Kim needs to cook again.

I must sew today at least two wedding dresses and three bridesmaids plus make a few phone calls, and maybe a few piles.

Friday I have a bride coming in on my day off as her dress is so complicated that I need her here for several fitings and this is the day she could do it.  I don't really mind plus it will be out of the shop and that will be a relief. 

I need to take a meal into a family that has thier dad on Hospice.  I need to feed 8 people.  I thought about a roast in the large crock pot but it is like 100 here and I thought no that is just too much on a hot day.  But I think comfort food is good.  Still mulling it over. But need to take something out of the freezer.

I took Kelsa home with me last night just because. Having her here although a lot of work is a comfort. She is so funny.  Just a joy to be around most of the time. She loves to swim and will spend hours in the water if we let her.

Okay I will make a list and see if it will help.

1. call people to pick up

2. finish a bride dress

3. finish a bride dress

4. alter a bridesmaid dress

5. alter 2 bridesmaid dresses

6. alter a bridesmaid dress

7. hem two dresses and a pair of pants.

8. hem a pair of pants and mend shorts

9.hem some jeans

Okay let's see what I can accomplish if I put my mind to it!

Kim

Tuesday, lots of company

 

I have learned that I am too hard on myself.  I have learned that I want my old life back and that is not going to happen. I have learned that I can slow down, and it is okay. I have learned that it is okay to cry and it is not a sign of weakness or lack of self-control.

What I have not learned: That I don't have to be productive all of the time. That it is okay just to do nothing, for hours and days if you want. That grief comes and goes. That I have reinvent a new life and that I can make it wonderful if I try.

I am going to Lil sis's today to swim and enjoy the sun.  Kids will join me later. I did what I wanted today.

Yesterday I hemmed and altered 5 bridesmaid dresses and a flight suit.  I am fine. I will be fine. I got some work done.  I don't have to set huge amounts of work every day. I can if I want but I am okay if I don't.  My life is different now. I can make it different if I want. 

I don't have to get down on myself just because I did not meet my expectations. They are my expectations, and I can change them.

 My cousin and his wife are coming for Father's Day weekend, so he can be with the girls.  Surrogate dad so to speak which is so sweet of him.  They love him so much. My Lil sis's friend Becky is coming in less than two weeks! Then my niece Katie will be here on the 2nd of July, then MY SISSIE IS COMING July 12th!   She will be here for 5 weeks.  I am saved!!! SISSIE IS COMING.

I just might make it.

Now I hope I can maitain this attitude. At least for a few days. I still have work to do, but it will get done

Thanks for putting up with me, I have a hard time putting up with me.  But your advice and comments mean alot.  They help.  I feel better. 

Kim

Monday, I am a mess

 

I swear I am starting over on this grief thing, and it is so aggravating. Constantly on the verge of tears. When will it end? Will it ever end?

Had company for the weekend and that was nice. I enjoyed Joel's cousin and wife and his 91-year-old Aunt.  They actually took James home with them saving me a trip down south again. But I miss my little boy.

I went picked Kelsa up last night, so I wasn't alone.  We are back to trying to potty train, but it is slow going. 

I think my Lil sis is home, but I haven't checked.  I am hoping having her home will help with my mood although I don't know how that is going to help. I guess just knowing she is close, and I can run over there.

I am looking forward to hearing about her trip. 

Winco had strawberries for .99 a lb. I weighed a few cartons and some of them were at 1.5 pounds.  So, I bought 24 cartons, and I spent several hours Saturday, Hulling and slicing.  They are all in freezer bags awaiting jam day. I will make jam after I get my raspberries and I might even try and pick Huckleberries this year.

I have so much sewing to do and just no motivation, just too depressed.  But is has gotten to the point that depression be damned it has to be done. I finally made myself get a suit altered that was picked up this morning and I must get some bridesmaid dresses done. Plus, the piles are starting to grow, and I have a wedding dress or two that need to go out this week. Just must find the motivation to get them done.

What is wrong with me? I feel like a broken broken record. BROKEN!!!!!!

Kelsa will be picked up at 1:00 today so I have no excuse but to get things done!

Hopefully tomorrow I can report a new attitude.

Kim

Friday, Where am I?

 

I love this picture of James at his great grandmother's funeral, and this just tells you, his personality. He is a quiet, and reserved, and intelligent little soul. It is a pleasure to have him here.  

Right now Signe' has both boys at a school picnic for the end of the year, and I have Kelsa.  She is pooping up the house as fast as I can clean it.

I have company coming tonight from Nampa. So I have scoured the boy's bathroom, because who knows what has gone on in there and changed the sheets on the guest room bed.

I am not sewing like I should and don't know why.  I am not doing the things I need to get done and putting things off.  It is so hard for me to stay motivated.

I did get all of my graduation cards out all 9 of them and finally went down to the hospital to talk to a supervisor about a $250.00 bill for an MRI Joel had last June.  We did not receive a bill for our portion until February of this year. Yes 8 months after the MRI. I don't remember him having this and I can't ask him.  I called and told them that I would have paid it if it was timely, but it was not and I can't talk to him, so I thought as the bill was over $4000, they could write off the remaining $250. I mailed a death certificate and of course nothing was done just more threats, and trying to talk to a billing service where the woman's accent was so strong, I could not understand her.  

Well, I took Kelsa and another death certificate down to the hospital this time and asked to speak to the person in charge of billing.  A man came out and within a few minutes I got a paid in full. I guess in person is better as it forcers a person to do their job.

It will be a busy weekend, with graduation parties and company.  Have a great weekend.

Kim