Friday, January 15, 2021

Friday, setting the timer


 I had to call Sissie today because I was in a slump.  Have been for a couple of days.  Sometimes I just get like that. A call to Sissie usually kicks my butt into action.  She told me like she usually does to set a timer.  She wanted to know what I wanted to get done.  I told her dressed and at least brush my teeth after all it was noon.  That made her laugh.

So I did.   Every 15 minutes I would do an activity and then if I wanted to sit and do nothing but contemplate my navel, I could, but only for 15 minutes. It worked.  I got my sewing quota done in 45 minutes.  I took a load to good will.  I got all the Christmas decos into the garage awaiting shelving.  I cleaned up the cat box and food area. I swept the garage.

I vacuumed and put the front room back together.  I did some vacuuming. I also contemplated my navel.  It was very happy to be looked at for a while.

I know most of you think I do to much, but there is a deep psychological reason for my behavior. I think I had an epiphany today.  Why do I feel like I have to go, go, go?  If I have down days and I do, sometimes because I just want to do nothing and sometimes because I do not feel my best, arthritis and all, I suffer from extreme guilt and depression.  I don't like it.  It is paralyzing to me. The guilt of having all these things that need to be done can be overwhelming. 

The Christmas things need to be taken to the garage.  I have sewing that needs to be done.  The floors are atrocious. Why haven't I listed that stuff on facebook market place? Why did I eat 1/2 of a 1/2 gallon of strawberry ice cream after 11:00 LAST NIGHT? You know the typical questions we all ask ourselves.

Segue to Kim's younger years:

Kim  and her twin sister were the eldest of a family of 5 siblings.  The typical size of a family in the 60's.  She lived with her maternal grandmother from second grade through 5th grade. It was an upper class neighbor hood and life was good.  But in reality Kim's parents were living the life of Riley at the expense of Kim's grandmother.  In order to get Kim's mother to grow up and take care of her 5 children, grandmother sold the house in the wealthy part of town and put a down payment on a very old dilapidated, large house in one of the poorest neighborhoods in town.  At least her grandchildren would have a roof over their heads.  Kim's father also had a drinking and gambling problem.

Life was good with grandma.  The house was clean, there were piano lessons, and dance lessons, summer camps, camp fire girls.  But this life style was bought with the fact that mom and dad did not have to pay for rent or utilities.   Dad could drink and gamble as much as he wanted.  Mom could shop and go out to coffee with friends and live a lifestyle she could not afford. The only thing she had to do was keep up the house, she didn't dare let it go.

Now the family was dumped in an old house with the most awful furniture.  It was very old and run down.  Kim and her twin were horrified and embarrassed. School was starting in a month and there were no new clothes, no shopping trips. The new school was a culture shock.  These kids were much poorer than they were used to. But one saving grace is that they were also a lot nicer. There were no dance lessons that year.  Mom went back to teaching and she was gone ALL the time.  There was no money.  NONE. Mom avoided being home at all cost.  Dad was always at the bar or the bowling alley.  ( Dad could have been a professional bowler but his drinking got in the way) Mom was out to coffee and pie with friends.  Some one always had to be home to watch the little boys.

Kim and her sister, figured out at the ripe old age of 12, how to outsmart the mother.  They would work for money.  Mother was motivated by money.  IF the girls were working they could buy their own clothes, and pay for their own lessons.  Dad was great, he had many bowling friends that needed regular weekly sitters.  They sat every night of the week and the pay was 5 dollars a evening, usually 2 families at a time.  So at the ripe old age of 12 they pulled in over $25.00 a week or more depending on whether they sat on the weekends.

   Mom started to work at the bowling ally as a cook on the weekends and she got those girls jobs at 14.  So now they babysat in the evenings and they worked the weekends as waitresses.  They could buy all their own things and help with the younger kids things. Kim started to teach dance instead of babysitting it paid $4.00 which was good money in the 70's, but she still waitress ed on the weekends.  Then Kim got a paper route when she was 15. 

 This was great mom and dad always had the paper bag money.  When it was time to pay for the papers, mom would scramble and scream.  Kim had not spent it, she had collected it but the money was always short or gone. Kim kept the route for the year and paid for a fancy dance camp for the summer.  But getting up that early in the morning, then going to high school, then after school activities, (speech, drama, playing piano for the choirs, music groups, good grades, teaching and dancing) and working weekends were taking their tole. Plus dad was always (And I suspect mom)into the paper route money and the stress of paying the monthly bill was just too much.

Every year from the time they left living with grandma things got worse.  The house was awful.  Mom was never home and the only way Kim and her sister could keep away was to work.  You fell into bed and you got up again to go to school.  If you were home, you were expected to clean or the screaming began.  It was an impossible situation.  Here were 7 people that had never picked up anything in their lives. Mother wanted a clean house but did nothing to make it that way nor did she give the girls any of the habits to help keep it clean.  She just screamed and belittled.   Her favorite was lazy.  You may have closed a restaurant until 4 in the morning but you had better be up at 8 to start cleaning or you were lazy. A house that could not stay clean, when no one put anything away, or picked up anything.  Remember nothing was worse than being lazy. Kim and her twin were exhausted.  Kim remembered one night going down to the basement and the dryer was talking to her.  She was just trying to make sure her dance clothes were dry for the next evening of teaching and she had just typed a term paper and it was  2 in the morning. But the dryer was talking to her.  It had a mouth and eyes. She knew then she had to come up with a plan

Kim figured out a way to have a peaceful weekend by the time she was a senior in high school.  She would have her dad call her in sick every Thursday.  She would wait until mom had gone teaching and hop out of bed and clean that flipping huge house from top to bottom.  She would sweat and her hair would stick down her neck as she ran up and down those sets of stairs from basement to the upper stories. Laundry, dusting, pickup, scrubbing, laundry, bathrooms, scrubbing, pick up, vacuum, dust the winding staircase, clean the wood stove, laundry, change the sheets, laundry, start dinner.  When mom came home on Thursdays the house was spotless.  Now Kim and her siblings could have the weekend without screaming. By Monday the house looked like it had never been touched and the cycle started over.

Kim learned to work.  Work was an avoidance mechanism.  If you were working you had a reason to not be home.  IF you were working you were earning money. If you were working you were not lazy. You could contribute.

So when I don't work and I let things slide.  I feel all this angst come back.  I become everything my mother said I was.  I become lazy. Now I don't write these things to discredit my mother all though she deserves some reprimand. She was raised in an alcoholic home and left at 17 to start teaching in a one room school house with only 3 months of college.  She never went back home until her parents were divorced and she had 4 little kids.  Her mother owned restaurants and she worked in those everyday.  Mom knew how to work and how to clean.  She just did not want to.  She had 4 kids in three years and and alcoholic husband.  She was angry and she just did not want the responsibility.  Grandma took us in when she saw mom's situation, but when neither of the parents did anything to make it better we were out and the great descent began.We girls got a good work ethic and the drive to go with it, but some damage was done.

I struggle with being enough.  Although I know I am enough, I have always been enough. Just like an alcoholic I am a work a holic.  When I don't have a hundred irons in the fire I feel diminished.  I fight this every day. Covid has not been easy.  I like to be busy, I just have a hard time not being too busy. I have perfectionist syndrome, which served me well teaching and directing, but not so much in life. 

I knew daughter would be down tonight with the kids and the dogs so I ignored the floors which I will conquer tomorrow.  I might have to use my trusty timer again.  Son- in -law is back at the capitol in Olympia  tomorrow , until next Thursday.  He will not get a day off until the unrest is over.  Say prayers for your State police they are all overworked right now.  It is hard on the families. I see how tired my daughter is with two small kids and also watching her little sisters baby all day while she works at her very essential job. Teaching is her release and joy and we love having the grand kids.

Have a great and productive day staying positive while you are in the negative.

Kim


56 comments:

  1. You are more than enough. Always. Cindy in the South

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know and I try and tell my evil twin conscience that every day, but it fights with me. Daughter just called and said she had to look up statutes for child molestation laws before 9 this morning and no amount of money is going to make her job easier.

      Delete
    2. Truth. Child cases are the most gut wrenching. Cindy in the South

      Delete
  2. WOW, that so explains your work ethic. You are great and more than enough. Just ask your family, they will tell you so! Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I just have to fight that little voice in my mind and a lot of the times I lose.

      Delete
  3. Your story explains so much. Please know that you are enough, more than enough. You are an inspiration to those of us who also struggle. And you challenge me every day to do a little more than I would really like to do :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well that is good, maybe some small blessing will come out of this angst I call my life.

      Delete
  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I have always understood you, may not have agreed with you but I have always felt that our brains were working in the same environment. In our family, your work ethic was very important. I had to grow up fast too. My mom and Dad were awesome parents but very poor money managers. We had fun on the weekends but then the collection calls (which I had to start answering when I was 5) came all week. I am a worrier, planner, itemizer, list maker, and need a clean and organized house in order to be happy. I have to work hard when I can because I never know when my body will have a flare and take me down. Hang in there, many of us truly understand you. We have a lot in common.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. This means so much coming from you. Isn't having an auto immune disorder Fun? Probably brought on by worry and over work.

      Delete
  5. Dearest Friend,
    Thank you for this.
    For being open and raw and vulnerable.
    Hugs and love from PA!
    You are an inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for sharing your story. It puts perspective on your life. You are an amazing woman!

    ReplyDelete
  7. That explains a lot. You grew up in an extremely dysfunctional and emotionally abusive home. I don't know if counseling would help at this late stage, but try to be kind to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went to a counselor years ago. I listed my problems and his reaction was , Well what are you going to do about it? I never went back.

      Delete
  8. We really don't know what others have gone through. I think you are amazing. You are more than enough.
    Sending hugs and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kathy. No we don't. It is easy to judge. Although I have learned not to let other judgements matter too much.

      Delete
  9. Well, this explains a lot. It is hard to overcome childhood trauma. And, this was a trauma.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Big hugs. This helps me understand you so much more. I grew up in a very stable family home, but it was clear my parents had very little money (they were good money managers, just didn't have much) & I started working when I was 12. I've never stopped. Sometimes I look back & it's so clear how I've ended up where I am - all of that work (when combined with money management & thoughtfulness about best ways to use your skills) pays off.

    I now struggle with how to dial it back & find balance. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I know much of my poor money management skills came from this dysfunctional upbringing. It has taken me years to figure things out.

      Delete
  11. A perfect example of why we should never judge others. We usually have no idea the struggles people have been through. And I'm convinced, everyone has something that has affected them deeply. I commend you for sharing your story. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you are right Lori. No one gets it all. No one gets to come out of this life unscathed.

      Delete
  12. Have you ever considered attending Al-Anon meetings? There are some specifically for adults who grew up in alcoholic households. I think you would get a lot out of them. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have really considered it. I have read so many books on children of alcoholic homes. They really helped me to see where I fit in.

      Delete
    2. If you would ever like more information feel free to send me an email at the address on my blog.

      Delete
  13. Dear Kim, Yes, I understand the feeling and emotions of feeling like I was never good enough or I hadn't done enough. My past is very different than yours. I'm so sorry for your heartache. Tis possible to overcome this horrid damage. Tis possible. May you have peace and a sense of release from the injuries. It would be through much thought and prayer that I became better. There is hope. Change is possible. I appreciate your sharing. Thank you. Hugs. d

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Deanna, I know the Lord loves me and that alone keeps me going. I just thought an explanation might help people to understand why I drive myself so.

      Delete
  14. My sister and I share a similar story. We saw that jobs and doing well in high school were the way out of the mess that was our childhood home. Fifty years later we are as close as ever even through we live 500 miles apart. Thanks for putting it into words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes both Sis and I were over achievers.We had plans and it was to get out. Although I don't know if I did. I can't imagine my life without my sisters.

      Delete
  15. You are a very gifted person. This must have helped you get thru all the trauma. Most of us can't sew so well, be musical or dance well enuf to teach. You have always had that to your advantage and you have used it well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I realize that I am unique in that way. But even that has come back to bite me. I don't know how many times I have overheard women in my church say mean things under their breath when I do something. I was born this way. I did not make myself this way. Things just came very easy for me. I don't do these things to show off, or make you feel bad, it is just who I am. I don't get included in many Reindeer games.

      Delete
    2. Kim,
      What on earth would they say about you?

      Delete
  16. we must be twins... except Daddy left to marry a woman that was good friend of the family and Aunt and adult brother moved in with Mother and me while I WORKED and paid ALL the bills, bought the groceries and cleaned the home. Working outside the home meant I wasn't in the home being abused in all ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so sorry. I wondered if you had a past similar to mine. My mother never lifted a finger to help me unless I paid her back. Which of course would have always been my intention. He was a user true and true. Except for the boys. She paid all their bills because she was embarrassed and did not anyone to know what they were like. It was all about how w she looked to people. To hell with us girls.

      Delete
    2. in my mother's view girls meant nothing as they didn't carry on the family name. Daddy wasn't like that, maybe because he was the only boy and his dad was the only boy.

      Delete
    3. My brothers were coddled by my mother, girls had to work. Excuses wee made for men.

      Delete
  17. Thank you for being brave enough to share with us.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Gosh Kim - I have great big tears reading your story & a lump in my throat. Please know you ARE enough my friend. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic father too - I can relate to alot of this. Sending hugs to you xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was hard. But boy could our family laugh. We are very funny. Comedy and tragedy are flip sides of the same coin. I was a pretty crappy coin. But it could have been so much worse.

      Delete
  19. You are welcome. It is freeing to say why I am. What makes me,me. Imperfect, always working to be better. Just working a little too hard in some of the wrong areas.:)

    ReplyDelete
  20. (((Hugs))). I would say you deserve to contemplate your navel all you want.

    God bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is very interesting and surrounded by too much, cake and chocolate....:)

      Delete
  21. Thanks for your sharing and I do get it. Both my parents were alcoholics with my dad dying from it at 55 and years ago both of my youngest two sisters (we had a family of five girls) and then my closest sisters daughter. I escaped and survived by starting work around 12. Am known as a wonderful worker! But my financial life has had years of chaos. I’m getting better but still have shame. One kind of funny but not ..... my sister and I are both RN’s and we’ve both had others comment about how we handle chaos and craziness shifts “nothing rattles you” and we laugh how our childhood was like that most everyday you just went on and pretended everything was fine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that funny. I can have 120 kids hollering and a major show to produce and nothing rattles me. People say you have so much patience. Really? This is nothing. I and my sisters all struggle with real financial messes in our lives. We had no skills, and then had instant gratification problems, and just too much money to handle at a young age. We all were CC nightmares and it has taken years to get over these problems and we all still fight them.

      Delete
  22. I mulled over this post so many times before responding. I have never understood why you feel the need to overstretch yourself all the time, but now I understand it better. I hope you can find a way to be a little gentler with yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am a work in progress. I always will be. But in spite of it all, I still love, laugh and endure just like everyone else.

      Delete
  23. Kim, This does, not that it's anyone's business, help me understand your drive and determination. I hooe you keep telling yourself you are enough, but others need to show you too. You do so much for others and it seems that's your mom all over again, so never say no. You're a gem of a soul and I wish you rest and peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks SAM. I just have to take it one day at a time. I am so much better than I used to be. But this is a life long illness.

      Delete
  24. The most amazing thing to me is the love you still had for your mother, and the way you cared for her, after all she had put you through. Clearly you are a good person (and a good enough person!).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe me it was hard. There were 8 of us total who could have cared for her and I was the only one that would take her. What does that tell you? Although Lil sis helped on weekends and in the end Sis would come for a month every three months to stay and give us some relief. But there is so much more to this story than I can post. So much pain. You just have to work through it and keep going. I loved my mother. I did not love the way she treated me, but she was a good if not great person to the outside world. She was very well respected, very funny, very hard working, very talented, so much good, yet so much pain.

      Delete
  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I completely understand why you always have to keep going Kim. I'm the same way. My mom was like the energizer bunny too and we always have to go, go, go. My childhood was way different than yours, but my mom always believed in having everything spotless. She didn't believe in us just sitting around doing nothing.

    It's good to take some time out for yourself though, even if it's just small amounts of time. Sending you a big hug.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love spending time doing nothing, but then I feel very guilty.

      Delete