Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Tuesday, rethinking my plan, a confession,

     Well I just got off the phone with the cleaning company I work for and I had a talk with the big boss and I am not going to take the job as supervisor.  I realize that this will impact me financially but I have to be realistic.  Something I have a hard time doing. (have you noticed?)  My daughter really had a long talk at me not with me yesterday.  I did not get a weekend.  I cleaned hard and I mean scrubbed and climbed ladders for over 8 hours and it showed in my ability to get around yesterday.  She listed my jobs and she said Mom you are going to kill yourself or have a stroke.

  •  I run a sewing shop that is open out of my basement 5 days a week.  It is 10:28 and I have already had 3 customers and 5 phone calls.
  • I own and operate a dance studio that puts on 3 major productions a year,  I teach 5 nights a week.
  • I help run a college program for dance 8 hours a week.
  • I clean a large bank six days a week and sub extra hours when needed.
  • I choreograph and costume and direct 4 musicals a year for local schools.
     Often times these duties all occur on the same day.  I will have back to back performances.  It was fine and fun when I was 35 but I am not as young as I used to be.  My daughter can see it.  My husband will not argue with me but he sees it also.  He was just letting me figure it out.
     We were hopelessly in debt and working this hard has really paid off.  We have a long way to go.  I think the plan I set up was so stringent and over zealous that my mind set twisted and I just keep taking on more and more work.  I realize that I will never truly slow down until I have to,but I am over doing it on a daily basis.  As long as we don't add new debt, this plan will work, it will just take longer and that is okay.
     I have been really trying to help B our youngest with college expenses, we did not allow her to take out very many school loans.  So now I am trying to work extra to keep my budget the same as last year and I can't do it.  She may have to borrow another $2000.00  a year or figure a way to earn more money, but I can't work any more.

     Out My Window:  I think we will try to get out and trim some bushes this weekend,  fall is so beautiful, I think it is my favorite season.

     My confession:  I went to the doctor 3 weeks ago and he has known me for 15 years personally and been my specialist in the valley for 5 years.  He told me that the lab work is coming back indicating full disability within 5 years.  He wants me to start disability papers.  I knew it was coming, I can feel it in my joints and my exhaustion levels.  I just did not want to admit it.  I am in constant pain, some times quite severe, but because I am a dancer I ignore it.  To dance is pain.  Scary, I just can't see myself disabled.  He told me to quit running 10 years ago.  I quit last year, so maybe I can ignore this diagnosis for another 9 years.  But I do know this it is taking it's tole.  I am not fooling any one but myself.  Work is my life.  So I will continue for as long as I can, and I will get out of debt.  But I am not going to take on any new large projects.  Daughter has agreed to shoulder most of the Jr. High Play.
     I am trying not to feel like a failure, I am just slowing down.

Have a great and productive day!



  1. You need to take it slower! You seem way too busy.

  2. I read the whole entry....several times. There is NOT ONE LINE that would indicate you are a failure in any way, shape, or form. You have busted your arse to do right by your family, and at this point, you NEED to slow down. Maybe if you do slow down a bit, you can stave off disability a little.

    You have nothing...and I mean NOTHING to feel like a failure about.

  3. I agree with Mysti I do NOT see failure in anything you wrote. I saw a mom, and a wife and a teacher who has been giving everything she has to everyone else. I think we all get so involved in getting out of debt or getting ahead that we dont see the physical toll it takes.

    Slow down. You do more in one day than most people I know do in one week. You sew, then you teach, then you clean, then you teach. You are wearing yourself out. If your daughter needs to take another loan or job then she does, my daughter and son had to do it to.

    I think I speak for a lot of people when I say how much I admire you and want you blogging and talking to us for years and years. Let some of it go. Listen to your doctor. Please.


  4. Holy moly Kim, I don't think I could have done all of that in my 20's when I had the most energy?

    SLOW down!!!

    Most importantly, LISTEN to your body. It knows best.

    You are an amazing woman, Kim, and if you just got rid of a couple of things, I think you would feel a whole lot better. The kids have many years to pay off student loan debt. You have to take care of you.

    Sending {{hugs}}!!!

  5. Long-time reader, first time commenter. Just wanted to say that I think you are doing amazingly well, and your body can only do so much. I agree with Sharon that your kids will have years (and, healthy young ones, at that!) to pay off student loan debt. You need to focus on yourself and your health.

  6. All of the above!! Kim - we love and respect you and want you around for years and years to come. I can tell that I can't do as much as I used to and I don't suffer the pain that you do. It's just part of aging (and EVERYONE in the world is aging right along with us) and we need to be kinder to ourselves. I think its harder for mothers than anyone else. I'm 55 and I would be silly to try to work and play as hard as I did when I was 25. (Once in a while I do but then I pay for it for days and days!!)
    My dad used to say: "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good ONCE as I ever was!" I have NO idea what he was referring to LOL but I believed him! :)

  7. Thanks guys, just hard to admit that I can't do it any more. I truly love what I do, but I love my home life also and I don't have any of that left. I mean to reclaim it. Working hard at not working hard!

  8. it's hard when you love what you are doing, but your daughter is right, time to slow down so you are around to enjoy your family. Your an amazing, talented lady!

  9. Wow! I'm exhausted just reading this entry! Totally agree with everyone else, nothing says failure at all. You really do need to slow down, health is everything. I'm a social worker in a hospital and believe me when I tell you this. Take care of yourself! Love your blog

  10. How old are you and what vitamins are you taking???

    You forgot to list laundry, gardening, laundry, cleaning, bill paying, errands, cooking....

    I think you should cut back to 2 of those things and let your kids or others take over some of the others. They need responsibility and money too and if they work and earn more themselves its less you have to pay and more time for you.